A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II

I am grateful that I have been invited to Barbara Franken’s challenge to share our awakening experiences, Part II .

     Since I didn’t participate in the first part of the challenge, I start with a short description of my awakening journey.

      During a period of overwhelm, I realized that I wanted inner peace more than anything else and that all usual self-help methods had failed so far. This was the start of my journey in 2006.

      After that, the universe led me on a trail. I read a lot about NDEs and reincarnation stories, all of which was mind-blowing to me coming from a scientific background. Then I devoured channeled stuff about spiritual principles (we are consciousness; consciousness is one and creative), as well as A Course In Miracles (ACIM) which is a Jesus channeling about forgiveness. I also consumed many personal accounts of contemporary enlightened ones. I had become a hardcore spiritual seeker in the non-duality department, aiming for enlightenment.

      In 2009, I got my major ‘forgiveness opportunity’ where I could practice the principles of ACIM; I found myself in a situation where I felt exploited. This brought on the feeling of helplessness and huge anger attacks. For the coming years, it was my main challenge to deal with this anger.

      I never went to any spiritual meeting and never had a teacher (other than books and youtube videos). But the universe acted as my teacher, with stick and carrot. When I was off-path (i.e. angry), I got burned out light bulbs and all sorts of weird electrical behavior around me. When I was in inner peace, little wishes tended to be fulfilled in miraculous ways.

      Apart from this stick-versus-carrot-teaching, there were many experiences on the path which I interpreted as lessons. I started to realize that inner peace seems to be very much encouraged by the universe. It is not just another emotion, but it is Home. I found out by experience that thoughts coupled with emotion do manifest reality. Some dreams about the future  seemed to teach me that there is a timeless place in me which just knows the future. I was taught by experience that we are connected via consciousness.

      I went through a dark night of the soul and was forced to let go of the attachment to many parts of the former ‘me’.

      By focusing attention backwards at the ‘sense of I AM’, I found a place inside which is very peaceful. Staying in that peace inside granted access to a  new navigation mode. Wishing and allowing instead of striving and struggling. Learning to read the communication signs of the universe instead of relying on other people’s opinions and best-of-breed processes.

      I had some experiences that showed me  that I am consciousness and that the world is like painted on me.

      Access to the still small inner voice became clearer and offered me advice. I realized that divine guidance showed up in many different ways, via dreams, songs in the head, and patterns of events with literal or metaphorical meaning.

      Up to 2012, my path was characterized by the hunger for books about spiritual knowledge, the awe about all the formerly unseen realms, and also by the huge anger attacks (which lessened somewhat with the help of ACIM lessons).

      In 2012, something new happened. The inner voice asked me to share what I had experienced. But I did not feel ready for it nor entitled to do so. After all, I still have very much an ego and a self. How can I write when I am not enlightened yet? And I reacted with huge fear and panic to that request.

      Slowly and in baby steps, I went forward, sharing anonymously in a forum first. Then, end of 2014,  I started this WordPress blog (only upon request by the inner voice and only after much resistance and some health issues).

      2015 was about meeting fellow travelers on the spiritual journey. Oh, how many different paths there are! But I don’t seem to fit into any of them. Where do I turn when I have no clue about astrology, when I have a hard time appreciating poetry, when I am confused by lightworker lingo and Buddhist vocabulary as well? When I have no knowledge or desire to quote any of the philosophical ‘-isms’ out there. Can’t read auras. Can’t see ghosts. Haven’t had a spectacular Kundalini awakening. I am a mixed breed of everything and nothing.

      But in a dream I was encouraged to ‘just share my peanuts with fellow travelers’.

Where am I now?

      I find myself drawn to bloggers who share their spiritual journey, with all its ugly and beautiful aspects. I realized that despite all the differences of the various paths, the underlying subject is the desire to regain the lost paradise.
I have become more at ease with sharing on my blog and more spontaneous in commenting.  The community here with the large variety of spiritual bloggers is wonderful. Even though I don’t fit into any path or tradition in particular, I still can connect with many of you.

      Since I have decided to remove myself from the exploitative situation, the anger has lessened considerably. Anger and grief do still come up at times, but less frequently and less severely.

      Frequently, I wonder about the many different spiritual paths, their advantages and disadvantages. How come they eventually end up with the same insight, the falling away of the illusion of the separate self,  if they start out with  different belief systems? Are there common milestones for everyone on this spiritual journey? How to create a map for this uncharted terrain? How to use a common language?

       I am also wondering about my day job. Working in a corporate culture sometimes feels like a field study of the coping mechanisms for the illusion of separation. With detached amusement, I watch the rat race and sometimes wonder about the pointlessness of the human endeavors. I see the mechanisms of fear and all its ugly stepchildren. On the other hand, the universe does not make a distinction between private life and work, and therefore the dynamics of the single invisible hand of Source (e.g. synchronicities, miracles, ego-shredding dynamics) can be observed at my day job as well as in any other circumstances.

      After I had overcome this big hurdle of fear regarding blogging, I thought, ‘Now, I can relax.’ But I continue to get these little homework assignments from spirit (youtube video, maybe a Facebook page, prepare workshop about forms of divine guidance and more).  And I struggle with my resistance to each and every new request. Why isn’t blogging enough? I don’t want to have my lifestyle disrupted. Yes, I do like to talk about the spiritual journey one-on-one over lunch. But the thought of having to organize workshops, of traveling, and of marketing makes me cringe with fear. The inner discussion with my spirit guide about this topic would probably fill a book.

      I realize that this phase is about overcoming fear. Surrender is the way forward. And it is not a one time thing. It is a new surrender to every request from spirit.

      Sometimes I think that everything is perfect as it is and that my resistance is perfect, too. It is the only way I can get the full range of divine guidance, in dreams, signs, songs in the mind, etc.. Soft nudges as well as stern warnings and threats. Only this way I am well equipped enough to share about divine guidance.

      But often, the requests of the inner voice bother me. Then, I wonder whether Buddhists hear a still small voice of guidance, too. If not, maybe I should become Buddhist and tell the inner voice to shut up because it is just an illusion, hehe.

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The next post in this blogging challenge is by Marga on http://lifeasimprov.com/ .