One important feature of the time on the mountain top was joy. My heart was singing. This awareness watching awareness meditation led me to a profound joy. And the best thing was that it didn’t depend on anything external. It was there without any reason for it. Unconditionally.
What had changed since my emotional turmoil about the work? I had come to accept that I could not change my angry thoughts. All I could do was to ignore them and turn my attention to something else.
I had lost my fear of the listlessness at work. Before, I was so sure that giving up my engagement would lead to depression. But that hadn’t happened. Neither did the sky fall down just because I had a more laid-back attitude. Everything that was important was taken care of – either by me or by someone else.
Remember the dream on Jan 1st, 2010 with the fork in the road, where the left road led past a dead stag to the seashore, and the right road led to a volcano? Here is a follow-up story to that.
In August 2012, we were on a vacation by the sea. We had rented a lovely house, and when I walked to my bed in the bedroom, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw what was on the carpet which was just at the side of my bed: among other ornaments, there was a stag!
There it was again. The combination of stag and the seashore. I took this as a sign that, while I had taken the road to the unsurmountable volcano in the dream, now I had taken the proper road – the one with the stag and the seashore. That was like a confirmation that the inner work I had done with forgiveness and getting into inner peace had been fruitful and would lead me to freedom.
Urge to journal
On the mountaintop, one of the first things I noticed was that the urge to journal took off big time. While before, I used to write only a handful of journal entries per month, since mid of May 2012 I would journal almost daily. Obsessively. Dreams of the previous night, synchronicities, things I was angry about, and things I was pondering about, things I was grateful for, and miracles. Everything. It was like only writing it down would let me mentally digest everything that showed up in my life.
Urge to share
August 2012. One day during our summer vacation, I relaxed in the bathtub. Above the bathtub in the ceiling, there was a roof window which was slightly opened.
As I relaxed and enjoyed the bath, I had the thought, ‘I will not stop before I see that God is in all things. And when I have found that, then I will walk around and share that God is in all things.’
Just after thinking this thought, a little feather came sailing through the maybe three-inch-wide opening in the roof window. In amazement, I watched as it floated down slowly and landed in the bathtub.
I took that as a sign that the thought I just had was heard and appreciated.
Later, when I was pushed to share and often resisted it so much, I often thought back to this moment in the bathtub. Was this the moment when I signed some contract?
Urge to declutter
In September 2012, right after the vacation, I felt an intense urge to get rid of everything in our house which was superfluous. So, I went into an intense decluttering phase. It was more like an obsessive-compulsive decluttering diarrhea. For about ten weeks in a row, I would obsess over getting rid of stuff in the entire house. Clothing, kitchen items, books, CDs, the children’s toys – no stone was left unturned.
After I had gone like a tornado through the entire house, I discovered that there were some things that I used to like but that I had long forgotten about. I used to write and to draw and paint.
The decluttering was like clearing away all the gravel from a huge mountain, and eventually I would find a handful of sparkling gems that were dear to me.
And something else happened in connection to that decluttering phase.
At work, our mail server was restructured. After that upgrade, my emails of the last 30 days were lost.
Fortunately, I had already read all of them and there were no action items left. But still, I wanted to keep them just for the record.
My initial reaction was self-righteous upset. “Oh boy, they messed it up!”
Of course, I asked whether the emails could be restored. But somehow that wasn’t possible without unwanted side effects.
Then I became quiet.
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) teaches to turn within and ask, ‘How can I see this differently?’
Lately, that translates for me into, ‘How the heck have I manifested that one?’
Suddenly, it dawned on me.
This was connected to my obsessive decluttering phase. The universe merely seemed to say, “You like to throw things away? Let me see how I can help you.” And with a mischievous grin it cleaned away my emails, too.
I became quiet and didn’t get upset, knowing that I had called this issue into my experience.
Four weeks later and without any further action from my side, the lost emails suddenly reappeared.
This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).