The link between consciousness and creation

I had been very interested in the awareness which I am.  And I looked back at it in the AWA meditation and found peace and joy there.

Okay. So far, so good.

But then there was this visible, tangible 3d world going on which was not at all formless awareness.

What was the connection between that and the pure potential no-thing-ness of awareness? How come there is so much stuff which can be seen and touched in this emptiness of I AM? According to the teachings, this is all one. Yet it seems so different. I couldn’t wrap my head around this. So, I kept begging to get this secret answered.

I want to share three stories that provided answers to these questions.

Manifesting french fries

One morning in November 2013, I was with colleagues in the office and we were chatting about diet. Everyone contributed their favorite tips and strategies.

I said, “Usually, I try to avoid carbohydrates for dinner and sometimes even for lunch. But here at work, when there are french fries in the cafeteria at lunch, then I cannot resist. I must have them. Because I love french fries.” And I repeated it three times to emphasize how much I love french fries – with plenty of mayonnaise.

About two hours afterwards, I went to the cafeteria for lunch and was delighted to see that burger and french fries were on the menu on that day. How yummy!

So, I put a burger and one serving of fries on my tray.

Then I left the tray on the side and took just the plate with the burger to another table where I could get onions and other toppings.

But when I came back to my tray, there was a surprise.

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a second small bowl of french fries on my tray. How come? Who put it there? I made sure that this was in fact my tray and not anyone else’s.

Then I burst into laughter. Hadn’t I just told my colleagues several times how much I just loved french fries. No wonder, I got a second bowl of them on my tray.

That story would fit rather into the category of manifestation and not in the category of lessons and tests. But I place it here under “lessons”, because that was the day when it really sank in that things are created by what I think and say and how I feel about it. Thinking about french fries, talking about them, feeling the emotion of ‘how yummy, I just love’em‘ – all of that together was what brought surprise gift of the second bowl of fries to me.

About the creation of challenges

I have a friend who is a helper type personality. She is loving and generous and helps many people. And boy does she have many people to help!

When I listened to her stories, I always wondered how come that she attracts so many people into her life who need help in so many different areas. In my own life, this would never happen. Why did it happen for her?

I figured that the answer was probably that she defined herself as someone who helps others. And that she therefore needed this constant interaction of being helpful for others for keeping her sense of self alive. And so, this need for others whom she can help literally created and called people and circumstances into her experience.

Now, it can be easier to see these dynamics at work in others. But what about myself?

The insight hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had my own set of attributes of my self-definition. For me, they were not about helping others, but about being smart.

And what did I constantly need to reinforce that sense of self?

Intellectual challenges which I had to overcome and solve in order to feel good.

These challenges would show up in many ways. It could be that my kids got sick and then I had to figure out which homeopathic remedy would fit best (- which was often like solving a difficult puzzle). Or it could be a challenging mathematical proof to solve (during my PhD thesis) or  bug in the computer coding at work which was tricky to fix. And at the end, even though I would always find myself exhausted and pissed that life is such a struggle,  I would always have my sense of self reinforced as someone who is smart and able to solve these challenges.

That insight pulled the rug out from under me.

What if the all the troubles in my outside world were not just there because the outside world existed independently of me? What if I had attracted them to me as a sort of entertainment? So that I could reinforce my sense of being a smart and capable person?

Would I still need all these challenges in my life to feel that I am a valuable person?


And I decided to drop that need for self-definition. And in turn the challenges started to fall away.

So, the above stories were two answers about how the visible and tangible 3d realm was created by the invisible no-thingness, the pure potential in us – by focus and intention, be it conscious or unconscious.

Idea precedes 3d form

But still, I could not understand how exactly are 3d forms made from consciousness? There just seemed to be no connection. So, I kept begging and begging.

Then in August 2014, I had the following dream:
It was dark and I was with many people standing marketplace. We were all watching a blacksmith with hammer an anvil who was in the middle of the square. On the anvil, there was a transparent light-blue form. To my surprise, I realized that it looked like an overly long and thin, erect penis. The transparent light-blue color of it was the only color in the dream scene. Everything else was dark and black.

Suddenly, a voice said, “This is designed to be cuddled.”

Then I woke up.

“I get that this was meant to show me how an idea (represented by the transparent light-blue shade) precedes the 3d physical form,” I said to my guides. “But why did you choose a penis to illustrate this?”

The inner voice replied, “To grab your attention.”

LOL. Sometimes, my guides have a weird sense of humor.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Two revelations about awareness

In 2012, I had focused my attention back on awareness itself which gave my joy and peace. But still, I wanted to dig deeper. Around June 2013, I was still focused on awareness. If awareness is what I am and if I am at the same time in everything, then I yearned for a clearer experiential understanding of that. How can I experience that I am pure awareness? And what is the connection between the awareness and the visible 3d world?

And as it often happened, such an intense wish had the power to call experiences to me which would answer my urgent questions.

The balloon-skin experience

One day around June 2013, I was waking up slowly in my bed. I felt as mere consciousness. There was nothing in me, not even my body. The strange thing was that I felt expanded. What came to my mind as a metaphor was that it was like the skin of an inflated balloon.

Then, slowly my body , the bed, and the walls of the room would come into my field of awareness. And they appeared to be as if painted on the balloon-like skin of consciousness.

I had read about Ramana Maharshi’s  metaphor that we as awareness are like the screen on which movies are playing. What we are is the changeless movie screen. And the ever-changing bodies are appearing on it. But the screen is untouched by what is appearing on it.

Now, this consciousness-as-balloon-skin experience was somewhat like the movie-screen metaphor. One could probably argue about what the balloon-shape meant. I sensed that it pointed to the fact that the awareness was something which was one dimension higher (3d) than what was ‘painted’ on it (body, bed, wall = 2d) even though that interpretation is not totally consistent with a 2d balloon skin (bent in 3d) and 2d things painted on it (also slightly bent in 3d).

Vast nothingness

The second revelation was preceded by the following dream in June, 2013:
I see a man on a metallic staircase. There is a little boy of maybe 2 years of age, naked with diapers, who is running after the man on the staircase. It appears as if the boy is begging or bothering the man somehow.

Then a second man  comes into the scene and talks to the first man. After that, the first man seems to have made a decision. He says, “Okay, at one time it has to be done. He cannot procrastinate forever.” And with these words, he pushes the little boy down the staircase.

The boy falls down and lands on his diapers. I cringe and think, ‘How cruel! I hope they have used a stunt for this scene.’ I watch as I see a baby tooth and some blood come out of the boy’s mouth. He seems unharmed and says, like in astonishment, “Papa!”.

Interpretation: I was the little boy running after my guide (man no 1). A second guide came in and convinced the first guide to give me what I was begging for. Then my guide made a decision to give me a push to get me to grow up (losing the baby tooth) and to get to see the Father (‘Papa’).

As it turned out, that dream was like an announcement of what was to come.

The next evening, I went to bed and could not breathe properly. I had had one sip of red wine during dinner, and that seemed to cause some allergic reaction in my throat. So, I did my best to try to fall asleep, always thinking that I would suffocate if I relaxed too deeply. So, my state was not totally relaxed, but a strange mixture of alertness and relaxation. I figured later that the red wine and the suffocating sensation were probably necessary for the following experience to occur.

In the middle of the night, I had the experience that I was a point of  consciousness in a vast nothingness. I was conscious, aware, but I had no form, no body (neither the physical nor an astral one). There was no thought in me. And around me, there was huge, black nothingness. Then the thought appeared, ‘Wow, this is so vast!’  And after that, I woke up.

I regard these two experiences together with the awareness-watching-awareness meditation as very important milestones on my spiritual journey.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).




A dream pointing to an important book

On Dec 22, 2012, I had the following dream, I was sitting at a table across from a  guy. We were playing a board game that was designed like a map.

Behind me, stood a slim, tall man with a bald head. With a friendly smile on his face, this bald guy suddenly said, ‘Now I have to take this map away from you.’

Then the map was gone. And my opponent for the game was gone, too.

Astonished, I got up and wandered through rooms with white tiles on the floor and on the walls.

There were naked dancing women in these rooms. I asked them, ‘Have you seen the other player of my game?’ No, they were clueless and totally oblivious of anything except their own dance.

I was pissed. Who dared to take my map and my opponent away?

Then I woke up.

On Christmas Eve 2012, I got the book The Direct Path by Greg Goode, which I had put on my Christmas wish list. The book consisted mostly of exercises pointing to the awareness which is always there for every experience we have.

Then I noticed that the picture of the author featured a bald guy with a friendly smile. Was he the guy in my dream which I had just two days ago? I thought so. And because the dream seemed to point out that this book would be important for me to read, I made my way through the exercises even though I am usually more fond of reading stories.

The book pointed consistently to the background of silent awareness, which is always there prior to every experience. And this gave me a crucial insight. I had always thought, ‘Yes, I have understood that I am awareness. But it still feels as if I sit in my head right between my ears and as if awareness comes from my brain.’  But after doing the exercises, I got it that the feeling that there is a head is something that is contained in awareness – and not the other way round.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Troubles and tests

End of September 2012, during the time where I was decluttering the house like crazy, I sat down and thought about what I wanted our house to be like. I wrote down words like ‘space, light, color, yellow, white, beauty, simplicity, clean, relaxed, easy, natural, joy, peace, freedom, carefree’.

It was an attempt to create some sense of serenity by rearranging things ‘out there’. My inner state at that time was very active regarding the decluttering and decoration of the house. However, regarding communicating and sharing my insights about the spiritual journey, I felt nothing but tremendous apathy. So, it wasn’t the case  that I was missing inner peace, but I wasn’t on track regarding what my soul wanted either.

This little writing exercise seemed like a natural thing to do – focus and envision what I want and then write it down.

However, I wasn’t prepared for what would follow.

Immediately, my family members started to act up. My husband yelled at my older son for no reason at all. My younger son misbehaved at school and we had to talk to his teacher. My older son demanded that I help him with his homework, but then he wouldn’t let me into his room. And he kept slamming the doors just in order to make a lot of noise and wake me up from my nap. It was like a conspiracy of the entire family to make life like hell. And in addition, my youngest son got pneumonia again which added to my stress level.

Eventually, the situation resolved after a couple of days and I found back to inner peace and gratitude. But what was going on? It seemed as if my wish for a peaceful environment and my visualization exercise provoked exactly the opposite of peace. I wondered why. And I still haven’t come up with a definite conclusion. Maybe it was that the wish for peace brought everything to the surface which was not in alignment? Or more likely, maybe I was shown that peace has to come from my inside of me rather than wishing for a peaceful environment?

I included this example here because it shows that things do not always go according to what we have been taught in books. It also shows that I found it not always easy to interpret what happened on my spiritual journey. Often, there was a lot of questioning and doubting what a certain combination of inner state and outer events meant.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).