End of September 2012, during the time where I was decluttering the house like crazy, I sat down and thought about what I wanted our house to be like. I wrote down words like ‘space, light, color, yellow, white, beauty, simplicity, clean, relaxed, easy, natural, joy, peace, freedom, carefree’.
It was an attempt to create some sense of serenity by rearranging things ‘out there’. My inner state at that time was very active regarding the decluttering and decoration of the house. However, regarding communicating and sharing my insights about the spiritual journey, I felt nothing but tremendous apathy. So, it wasn’t the case that I was missing inner peace, but I wasn’t on track regarding what my soul wanted either.
This little writing exercise seemed like a natural thing to do – focus and envision what I want and then write it down.
However, I wasn’t prepared for what would follow.
Immediately, my family members started to act up. My husband yelled at my older son for no reason at all. My younger son misbehaved at school and we had to talk to his teacher. My older son demanded that I help him with his homework, but then he wouldn’t let me into his room. And he kept slamming the doors just in order to make a lot of noise and wake me up from my nap. It was like a conspiracy of the entire family to make life like hell. And in addition, my youngest son got pneumonia again which added to my stress level.
Eventually, the situation resolved after a couple of days and I found back to inner peace and gratitude. But what was going on? It seemed as if my wish for a peaceful environment and my visualization exercise provoked exactly the opposite of peace. I wondered why. And I still haven’t come up with a definite conclusion. Maybe it was that the wish for peace brought everything to the surface which was not in alignment? Or more likely, maybe I was shown that peace has to come from my inside of me rather than wishing for a peaceful environment?
I included this example here because it shows that things do not always go according to what we have been taught in books. It also shows that I found it not always easy to interpret what happened on my spiritual journey. Often, there was a lot of questioning and doubting what a certain combination of inner state and outer events meant.
This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).