In May 2014, I had an experience that made me question my assumption about myself. Here, I repost the blog entry I’m not the doer :
A while ago, I was inquiring into the aggregates of the little ‘me’, this separate entity, which is a sticky illusion.
And one thing I was stuck with was the sense of being the author of an action. I know I am awareness, and the body-mind arises in awareness (and not the other way round) – and yet there is this sense that this body-mind can choose to do an action. I was reading Consciousness Speaks by Ramesh Balsekar, and he repeats over and over that we are not the ‘doer’ of an action but that the action happens through us.
Theoretically, I understood that, but I longed for an experience that would make it clear to me.
Now, imagine Source smiling behind the curtain, thinking, ‘Let’s have some fun with her and teach her this lesson.’
On the next weekend, I went for a short walk to the woods. The rest of my family stayed inside. I left the house, shut the door, and walked 20 minutes to a bench. I sat down, relaxed and enjoyed the beauty of the hillside and the trees. After a while, I decided to get up and go back home.
All of a sudden, I realized I didn’t have my waist pack with me (which I usually use for keys, money, etc).
OMG! Panic. My mind started racing. The keys, credit cards, driver’s license… I went back to the bench. No waist pack there. Then, I started running back home. Was it lost along the way?
After a few minutes, my mind calmed down. No way, I could have lost the waist pack. I would have noticed that. I probably had forgotten to take it with me in the first place.
I arrived at home , my children opened the door and the waist pack and keys were safely at home.
What a relief!
What did I learn from that?
I have never forgotten my keys before. I used to assume that this is due to the fact I am a well-organized person and in control of my actions.
Ha! How wrong! I am not in control.
That lesson proved to me that the thought ‘Now take the waist pack with me before I go out’ is put into my mind from outside. That means this body-mind is not the author of the action.
How humbling for my ego to realize that the body-mind is on remote control!
I’m always fascinated to see how the universe acts as a teacher and how requests for lessons are answered in a gentle but powerful way.