A couple of weeks after I had written the text about my spiritual journey, in January 2013, I did not want to post it anymore in the online forum for which I had intended it. I just felt exhausted after the usual Christmas busyness and there was no motivation in me to share the text I had written so elaborately before. It would sit in my drawer forever. And I was fine with that. The writing would have been merely for myself for therapeutical reasons. To become clear about everything that had happened, to make sense of the course of my life and to find peace with it.
I could not really pinpoint what exactly my fears were of posting it. On one hand, I felt the urge to share what I had experienced. But more during one-on-one lunches with open-minded friends and not publicly on the internet.
Could I really be sure about all the signs and synchronicities? Or was it maybe just coincidence? I would have liked to gather a few more years of experience to have a more reliable database so to speak so that I could really be sure that I did not make these things up. I came from a scientific background and my worldview had shifted so much that I had a hard time really being sure that there was more to life than the visible world of form and what can be scientifically observed. I was afraid of criticism from the materialists. If anyone of them attacked me, I wondered, would I be able to defend my point of view?
On the other hand, I thought about the potential reaction of other spiritual seekers on the path. Had I come already far enough to feel entitled to share? Did I have something important to say at all? Wasn’t there this proverb from the Tao that said ‘Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know.’ ?
So far, I had almost only read stories of people who had become enlightened and then would share their stories, after a proper integration period of about 10 years, that is. But I wasn’t enlightened. So how could I claim the right to tell my story? Wouldn’t it be presumptuous to share this material prematurely? What if the desire to share was just a clever trick of my ego to gain attention?
But it wasn’t only fears which kept me back. The sense of urgency and mission that I had felt before when I thought that I wanted to shout from the rooftops that God is everywhere suddenly had vanished.
And on and on I doubted and pondered. Until I felt nothing but apathy and a general sense of ‘why bother?’.
But my guidance would not let me off the hook and bluntly gave me their opinion in the following dreams.
Dream: ballet rehearsal
On January 18, 2013, I dreamed that I was going to a trial lesson of a ballet rehearsal. I had already bought and put on a beautiful ballet dress. But I did not participate. I just sat at the side on a bench watching how gracefully the other dancers moved their bodies.
The message was clear to me. Why did I just sit on the sidelines watching even though I had already dressed up? Why wasn’t I going to participate in the online forum with my text?
On February 2nd, 2013, I dreamed that I went into a house. Carrying a bunch of paperwork, I told some friends that they should wait outside. I just needed to get a few things done quickly and then I would be back soon.
But once inside the house, I got sidetracked. There were 5 calls on the answering machine, but I did not listen to them. Instead, I found chocolate in various forms and indulged in it. Hot chocolate and chocolate ice cream. I drank so much hot chocolate that I felt nauseous. But while I indulged in the sweets, my friends outside were waiting for me.
The interpretation was clear again. This was mirroring my situation regarding the sharing of my text. I did not listen to the calls, indulged in sweet distractions, and kept my friends waiting.
I understood the stern reproach. But that did not change my sense of apathy.
Dream: choir, poorly prepared
On February 19, 2013, I dreamed that I participated in a rehearsal session of a choir for a festive event. We rehearsed and tried to sing the songs, but it didn’t work. We could not find the sheet music. The music which was playing in my mind was an instrumental version of Hark! The herald angels sing.
On awakening, I understood that it described my situation. I should sing for a big awakening event in the world, but I was poorly prepared for it and wouldn’t succeed if I kept procrastinating like this.
The next day, I was deep in apathy again and thought, ‘Nothing matters. Why bother?’ But the inner voice replied, ‘Yes, no-thing is really mattering, meaning that the void is appearing as matter. Isn’t that great?’
Even though I was partly in awe of this wisdom, I also felt kind of pissed at this smartass inner voice that wanted to pull me out of my apathy.
The three dreams described above should have been enough of a reproach and a call to action. But I just registered their message and thought that I still did not feel the inner urge to post my text to the forum.
And therefore I would not do it.
I felt justified in my non-action and fine with that because earlier in my life I was used to doing only things which I felt the inner urge to do (- at least, for stuff which I did in my leisure time). For example, when I felt the inner urge to do a lot of competitive ballroom dancing or to learn a lot about homeopathy, then I did that. I took a deep dive and followed my passions. Of course.
But here, posting something without feeling the inner urge to do so – why should I do it? Having some inner or outer voice tell me what to do did not replace the felt intrinsic urge or passion.
But my guidance would not let me off the hook that easily.
This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).