Admonishing dreams

A couple of weeks after I had written the text about my spiritual journey, in January 2013, I did not want to post it anymore in the online forum for which I had intended it. I just felt exhausted after the usual Christmas busyness and there was no motivation in me to share the text I had written so elaborately before. It would sit in my drawer forever. And I was fine with that. The writing would have been merely for myself for therapeutical reasons. To become clear about everything that had happened, to make sense of the course of my life and to find peace with it.

I could not really pinpoint what exactly my fears were of posting it. On one hand, I felt the urge to share what I had experienced. But more during one-on-one lunches with open-minded friends and not publicly on the internet.

Could I really be sure about all the signs and synchronicities? Or was it maybe just coincidence? I would have liked to gather a few more years of experience to have a more reliable database so to speak so that I could really be sure that I did not make these things up. I came from a scientific background and my worldview had shifted so much that I had a hard time really being sure that there was more to life than the visible world of form and what can be scientifically observed. I was afraid of criticism from the materialists. If anyone of them attacked me, I wondered, would I be able to defend my point of view?

On the other hand, I thought about the potential reaction of other spiritual seekers on the path. Had I come already far enough to feel entitled to share? Did I have something important to say at all? Wasn’t there this proverb from the Tao that said ‘Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know.’ ?

So far, I had almost only read stories of people who had become enlightened and then would share their stories, after a proper integration period of about 10 years, that is. But I wasn’t enlightened. So how could I claim the right to tell my story? Wouldn’t it be presumptuous to share this material prematurely? What if the desire to share was just a clever trick of my ego to gain attention?

But it wasn’t only fears which kept me back. The sense of urgency and mission that I had felt before when I thought that I wanted to shout from the rooftops that God is everywhere suddenly had vanished.

And on and on I doubted and pondered. Until I felt nothing but apathy and a general sense of ‘why bother?’.

But my guidance would not let me off the hook and bluntly gave me their opinion in the following dreams.

Dream: ballet rehearsal

On January 18, 2013, I dreamed that I was going to a trial lesson of a ballet rehearsal. I had already bought and put on a beautiful ballet dress. But I did not participate. I just sat at the side on a bench watching how gracefully the other dancers moved their bodies.

The message was clear to me. Why did I just sit on the sidelines watching even though I had already dressed up? Why wasn’t I going to participate in the online forum with my text?

Dream: procrastinating

On February 2nd, 2013, I dreamed that I went into a house. Carrying a bunch of paperwork, I told some friends that they should wait outside. I just needed to get a few things done quickly and then I would be back soon.

But once inside the house, I got sidetracked. There were 5 calls on the answering machine, but I did not listen to them. Instead, I found chocolate in various forms and indulged in it. Hot chocolate and chocolate ice cream. I drank so much hot chocolate that I felt nauseous.  But while I indulged in the sweets, my friends outside were waiting for me.

The interpretation was clear again. This was mirroring my situation regarding the sharing of my text. I did not listen to the calls, indulged in sweet distractions, and kept my friends waiting.

I understood the stern reproach. But that did not change my sense of apathy.

Dream: choir, poorly prepared

On February 19, 2013, I dreamed that I participated in a rehearsal session of a choir for a festive event. We rehearsed and tried to sing the songs, but it didn’t work. We could not find the sheet music. The music which was playing in my mind was an instrumental version of Hark! The herald angels sing.

On awakening, I understood that it described my situation. I should sing for a big awakening event in the world, but I was poorly prepared for it and wouldn’t succeed if I kept procrastinating like this.

Nothing matters?

The next day, I was deep in apathy again and thought, ‘Nothing matters. Why bother?’ But the inner voice replied, ‘Yes, no-thing is really mattering, meaning that the void is appearing as matter. Isn’t that great?

Even though I was partly in awe of this wisdom, I also felt kind of pissed at this smartass inner voice that wanted to pull me out of my apathy.

The three dreams described above should have been enough of a reproach and a call to action. But I just registered their message and thought that I still did not feel the inner urge to post my text to the forum.

And therefore I would not do it.

I felt justified in my non-action and fine with that because earlier in my life  I was used to doing only things which I felt the inner urge to do (- at least, for stuff which I did in my leisure time). For example, when I felt the inner urge to do a lot of competitive ballroom dancing or to learn a lot about homeopathy, then I did that. I took a deep dive and followed my passions. Of course.

But here, posting something without feeling the inner urge to do so – why should I do it? Having some inner or outer voice tell me what to do did not replace the felt intrinsic urge or passion.

But my guidance would not let me off the hook that easily.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Should I write? Tarot

While the previous posts  were about the integration phase of my awakening,  the following posts are about the guidance I got that I should share my spiritual journey. I write about gentle nudges and not so gentle kicks by my guides, and about my doubts, resistance, and surrender.

I think about this part of the journey as going downhill in a river. When I resisted, then I was like staying on the river bank, procrastinating and feeling safe. But eventually, it became clear to me that I was just running in circles at the river bank, returning over and over again to the decision fork in the road which would ask me every time, “Do you want to follow the river or do you want to resist?” And also life on the river bank became too painful because there were consequences to resisting the guidance. Eventually, I surrendered to the river – but only to get out at the next point when my comfort zone was challenged too much.

Should I write? Tarot

On November 5, 2012, I sat in front of my computer screen, looked at the online tarot and focused on my question.

Should I write a book about my spiritual journey or not?

I had never used tarot cards before, but when one of my kids wanted to buy a deck of tarot cards, I thought I’d give it a try.

I drew 7 cards which would show me what to expect when I would write and what to expect if I would not write. After the results showed up, I eagerly read the explanation of every card.

I was shown that the background of my urge to write a book was that there needed to be a storm that would clear the air.

I could relate to that. After what I had experienced at work, I probably needed a pressure valve to let it all out.

One card said that I needed to be vulnerable. And the sooner I could do that, the less I would have to suffer.

Another told me that my endless pondering and doubting of whether I should write or not was bordering on the pathological.

Whew! That blew me away. Such a blunt statement felt like a slap in the face.

There were other cards that told me if I would not write, then I would focus all my attention and energy towards my job in the corporate world.

Writing and doubts

I was amazed by the accuracy of the tarot and pondered these choices. And then, three weeks later, I sat down and wrote a candid text about my journey which I intended to post in an online forum. Basically, it was a short version of what you can read here on my blog (

I wrote about homeopathy, spirituality and my changed worldview. About anger and burned out light bulbs. And about forgiveness, inner peace and miracles. About the destruction of the false sense of self on the trajectory of the spiritual journey. And I wrote about guidance, resistance and surrender.

I wrote everything into one single posting. Afterwards, I even corrected all the typos and tried to make sure that all the commas were in the right places.

But then, I put the file in my drawer and procrastinated. Should I really post this? I was planning to do it anonymously, of course.  But doubts had crept in and I wasn’t comfortable even with that. Too early, too dangerous, too whatever.

But the universe had other plans.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


What happened after publishing the previous posts

As a side note, I want to share some observations about what happened while I published the weekly posts about my journey (from January – August 2020):

In December 2019 / January 2020, I had noticed that my too high blood pressure would drop every time after I had published a post. Obviously, holding the material back was like building a dam and it was bad for my body. That was when I decided that I would aim for publishing a post about my journey once a week in 2020 – after I had posted nothing for more than two years.

In addition to the reward of better health, my guides congratulated me for making this decision and told me that they appreciated this and wanted to give me a reward for it. I should just tell them what I wanted.

I thought a while about it. I was happy and content with what I had and did not have any big wishes. But because I enjoy yummy food, I said, “Good food! I would love to have something yummy to eat.”

And, lo and behold, it seemed to work out every time.
In the beginning of this year, my husband was the one who did the weekly grocery shopping, and often came back with some unexpected and very welcome treats.

Getting back what I sent out
I wrote these posts about my journey in a book-like format and put them on my blog for free. I noticed that after starting to publish the material in this way, I ‘coincidentally’ came upon several other interesting websites who also had free online books which were published chapter by chapter. Sometimes it was about people’s spiritual journey and sometimes it was channeled material.

It was like a reassurance that it would be okay to put the material out in this form (vs writing an entire book first and then publishing it when it is done).  I was shown that there are others who are also doing it in this way.

And it also meant  I got back what I had sent out.

Does writing about things create reality?
Several times I noticed  that when I had published a post with a certain topic, this same topic would show up in my life in the week after that (in a slightly modified way). For example, after the post about the mess in my kitchen,  I would then drop a raw egg on the kitchen floor in the following week. Or after the post about finding the lost keys, we would need and find another key for my son’s bike lock.

I found it remarkable that the topic of the published post would show up, but  not the topic of the posts I was just writing. The published posts could have been written a couple of weeks before the publication date, but its theme would show up in my life only after the publication date and not while it was being written.

The incidents in the following week were ususally not as emotionally upsetting or exciting as the original material for the blog, but I observed a pattern. And it made me wonder whether I really want to share the more difficult stuff (- I mean, when I write about the Dark Night of the Soul or the frequent kicks in the butt by my guides, will I have to endure this again?)

I think this point and the one above (getting back what I had sent out) is about showing me that the outside mirrors what is going on inside of me. I am consciousness which contains an experience. I am not the person here and then there is people and events on the outside which together make an experience for the person. But I am the experience. And I think that these mirroring experiences are like constant reminders about my true nature.

I was urged by my guides to create a short youtube video about my posts. But I resisted serveral months because I find doing videos awkward (-talking into a lifeless camera lens and looking almost directly into a bright lamp, ugh, I’d rather avoid that) . And besides, I thought it was too early. I mean, marketing is important. I get that. But usually this is done when the book-like project is finished. And mine isn’t finished yet.

So, I resisted and procrastinated. But the guidance would not let me off the hook. The inner voice persistently told me, ‘You will speak. There is no way around this.’
Then I gave in, invested some time into finding the right camera position, lighting, creating and then sort of memorizing a script, and then I did a short (5:40) youtube video and uploaded it end of July 2020.

If you are interested, you can watch it here.

I still don’t know why I had to do the video already at this point in time, but my guides were happy with it and sent me signs of appreciation – and a lot of yummy food.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).



Synchronicities at work

I have found that things tended to fall more into place after awakening, not only in my private life but also at the workplace. The following two stories illustrate this.

The hotline ticket

Sept. 2014. ‘Oh, no, ‘ I thought. ‘Not another complicated hotline ticket for me this morning, please!’

I stared at my computer screen at work and thought how my day would be ruined if I had to take care of this issue. It would probably take me a while to find time slots for meetings with two other colleagues who were involved, let alone discuss the issue and offer a fix.

Discouraged I did what I usually do when faced with trouble. I went to the restroom, got a fresh cup of tea afterwards, all the while trying to get back into inner peace.

When I arrived back at my desk, I was in a better state of mind. Things would be resolved, I thought. I would be able to handle it – somehow.

Then, later this morning, one of the colleagues who were also involved in the hotline issue came into our office and started to talk with my colleague.

I thought, ‚How convenient. Now I can get hold of him and ask him.‘ So, after they were finished, I asked him. And he could give me helpful information.

Later on the same morning, the other colleague who was involved also dropped by ‘coincidentally’ in our office, and I could ask him too.

With the help of these synchronicities, the hotline issue was resolved in no time without any sense of struggle on my part.

The godsent empty battery

I had worked on a project with a tight time schedule and a high workload. One of my colleagues had scheduled a meeting to discuss my results.

But I would not be ready for the meeting. It was just too much work.

I got tense and slightly stressed and anxious. I tried harder and harder to get things done faster and be more efficient. But I had little hope that I would make it for the deadline.

On the day of the meeting, I was not finished, but I had calmed down and decided  that we could try to discuss the results I had so far.

But when we sat down in the meeting, just after a couple of minutes , the battery of the headset of the colleague was empty and he could not continue. And – the next time slot which would suit him for a new meeting was in about a week.

What a relief!

Without having to do any additional struggle, I got one more week to finish my work.

I have found that this happened quite often that life got easier and things would fall more into place after awakening. It was as if there was an invisible force of support which would take care of everything. Maybe this flow of support had always been there, and it was only after awakening that I became aware of it. Or maybe I was more able to access that magic place of inner peace that would cause miracles to occur.


In the metaphor of the mountainhike, I had started to go downhill again. And that meant a phase of integration. This consisted of lessons, tests, training in intuition and courage, manifestations, and divine help.



This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).