Guilt comes up

End of August and beginning of September 2013, around the time when I was treated by the spiritual healer, I hit the guilt layer full force.

According to A Course in Miracles which I had read a couple of years ago, there was first the thought of separation, and that created the thought of guilt. Which in turn created fear.  Which in turn created the universe which features the illusion of separateness of things in time and space. (That’s the root-cause analysis of the human condition in a nutshell according to ACIM and The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard).

In Gary Renard’s book, it was explained that the underlying guilt is unconscious. When I read that, I thought, ‘Guilt? What guilt? I feel like the most innocent person on the planet. After all, I am always making sure that I keep my promises and that I don’t harm anyone.’

Yes …- but the guilt was  unconscious. And therefore I didn’t notice it.

Hitting the guilt layer

It took only a tiny event – I just misbehaved slightly – to make that guilt come up. The tiny triggering event was that I interrupted someone at lunch in mid-sentence. Okay, I that was impolite.

But then, all of a sudden, I didn’t feel guilty just for my slightly impolite misbehavior, but for everything. Oh my God, how could I have been so stupid to assume that I am separate from God? How come I was hooked by that tiny mad idea of separation and had run off into an incarnation with all its physical pain? How come I was so stupid that I had agreed to forget that I was spirit?

And on top of that, I felt guilty because I was so disobedient and didn’t share my story because of fear even though I had been told to.

I was sooo sorry, so full of regret. It gave me a stomach ache.

The feeling of reverence towards the divine was mixed with guilt and remorse and resulted in a new feeling state which was formerly unknown to me.

Even though I did know intellectually that separation had never occurred and therefore guilt was not real, the feeling of guilt in the body was still there. And it was extremely uncomfortable. Since it is so difficult to convey the heaviness of the feeling, I give an example. Imagine how awful you would feel if you just discovered that you had killed your beloved child accidentally with your car in your parking lot. That is how awful it felt for me. It manifested as a strong pain and nausea in the stomach, a pain in the heart and head.

Now I understood why that guilt had become unconscious. It was because it was such an awful feeling that we swiftly invented new layers in order to cover it up. I could witness this in myself.  Together with this guilt the desire for punishment arose. If only I could be punished then my slate would be wiped clean and I wouldn’t have to live with this horrible guilt any longer.

All of a sudden, I could understand why some Christian monks used self-flagellation. Maybe they thought they could trade the horrible emotional pain of guilt with physical pain.

Of course, I understood intellectually that guilt is unreal and therefore punishment is never justified, but my ego would insist on punishment just to get rid of this awful feeling. Silly, isn’t it?

I also pondered how much of my striving for perfection in my life was meant to cover up this feeling of guilt. All this achieving of good grades, striving to not make mistakes and making sure that I act responsibly and always keep my promises. Did I secretly hope that never breaking a promise and never making a mistake in an exam would help me not feel guilty?

Was this the reason for my self-reliance? If I had asked someone for a favor I would have felt guilty because then I owe them something. Maybe this was because  in German we have the same word for debt and guilt – which is ‘Schuld’.

If I didn’t find the right homeopathic remedy for my children, I felt guilty. The responsibility for the health of another person was too much of a weight for me.

I didn’t like to drive a car. I could do it if I had to, but I found it stressful. Was this due to the assumption that if I made a mistake I would be guilty of harming someone else’s life?

And what about the fear of freely expressing my view even if it went against the social norms? It seemed like much of my life so far had been fueled by trying to avoid guilt.

But I was so deeply enmeshed in these feelings that I started to manifest events only a week later. One night I was in bed, feeling horribly guilty and sorry and desiring punishment as a relief. Guess, what happened! All of a sudden, a thunderstorm came, with its center directly above us. Thunder and lightning at the same time. Afterwards, a lot of rain poured down. That was like a metaphor for the divine stern lecture that I had wished for followed by washing off of my sins. Okay, thanks, that was another lesson in ‘you get what you wish for’.

I was overwhelmed by these new emotions. Anger was something I had become used to. That is, I knew how to watch it without suppressing it and without engaging in it either. But guilt and the wish for punishment were totally new to me. As so often on this journey, I was wondering again, ‘Am I still on the right path? Is this normal?’

Communication by patterns: the lid is off

However, the universe found a way to communicate to me that everything is fine. Within one week, two events with a metaphorical meaning occurred. At first, I put a bottle of orange juice into the fridge, but I had to lie it down since there was not enough space in the door of the fridge. Apparently, the lid was not properly closed and all the juice started to drip out slowly  and make a mess in the fridge after a day or so. I cleaned it up, not thinking much about why that had happened.

But then something similar happened. I started brewing coffee with a filter machine. And apparently, I hadn’t closed the lid properly, so the coffee didn’t flow out through the bottom of the filter, but instead the filter would fill up and the coffee would spill out over the top. And make a mess. My husband cleaned it up and told me to close the lid next time.

How strange.

But I had learned to interpret the language of the universe. And this was a communication attempt by a reoccurring pattern. ‘If the lid is off, things start flowing.’ Ok, that makes sense. Thanks for the mess(age). Apparently, the lid from the unconscious guilt had been removed – maybe by the healing session? – and now thing started to flow out.

I think the recent dream about the stolen green labels and the feeling of guilt in that dream had paved the way for this tremendous feeling of guilt.

Suppressed emotions need to become conscious, be felt and acknowledged,  and then we can let them go. That is the way it happens with suppressed stuff. Similar to how it is not useful to put a band-aid around a wound with a splinter in it. It will suppurate. So, first the band-aid must come off. Then the splinter can be removed and the pus will flow out. The process is not blissful and does not look pretty. But only afterwards the wound can heal.

Layers of emotions

I realized that there were layers of emotions. Below the anger about unfair treatment at work, there was not only sadness, but also fear, and then guilt. Amazing! Even though guilt, desire for punishment, and fear are very uncomfortable emotions, I was glad at the same time that I got the chance to trace them back and to witness it all consciously. Like a scientist watches an experiment, or like I would watch my physical reactions after taking a new homeopathic remedy, I watched these unfamiliar emotions, noticed the thoughts, and noticed the areas in the body that would tense up as a consequence of the thoughts.

Guilt as a tool for guidance

I mention the guilt topic  here in the downhill part of my journey which is about guidance and sharing because now I also started to feel very guilty about the fact that I did not obey guidance and did not share my story publicly.

I had managed to suppress this uncomfortable feeling, but it only resulted in physical issues in the throat chakra area. But now after the recent healing session of my breathing issues, I felt the guilt full force.

After all previous nudges and warnings and the breathing trouble had not helped, I think that the feeling of guilt was another way for my guides to get a foot in the door, so to speak. Maybe I would be more willing to comply now in order to get rid of this awful feeling.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A healing session

The breathing issues in my throat were still bothering me a lot. Often I could not sleep properly at night because I feared that I would suffocate if I relaxed too deeply. And no homeopathic remedy seemed to help.

On July 18, 2013, I met with my homeopath. She agreed that homeopathic remedies did not seem to help here anymore and that she would now recommend that I go to a certain spiritual healer.

Breathing issues and surrender

On July 23, 2013 , I was lying in bed and could not breathe properly. The issues were aggravated after strong bouts of anger again, and now I could not sleep. Breathing out fully was not possible because then the inbreath would become too difficult.

After struggling with the breathing for a while, I gave up and thought, ‘Okay, God, I give up. You have to breathe me.’

To my amazement, the breathing became easier after this act of mental surrender and asking for help.

Dream: grandma takes me to the healer

Then I dreamed that I met my deceased grandmother and she took me on a train ride to the healer which had been recommended by my homeopath.

I interpreted that as a message that I was urged by spirit to go to that healer. I did not want to travel there by train, but fortunately, he offered remote healing sessions. That was okay for me and I made an appointment.

An amazing remote healing session

On August 29, 2013, I finally had the remote healing session.
I lay down in my bed at the appointed time and tried to meditate and relax. Then the healing session started.

The first thing I noticed was that all the way through the half-hour session, my neighbor gave a singing performance of opera music. She has a beautiful soprano voice,  but it was quite loud and earplugs didn’t help. I wanted the noise to stop so that I could meditate better, but I didn’t succeed.

Eventually, I accepted the situation and started to wonder what this synchronicity was about. Maybe it was because the healer (Aldo Berti) had been an opera singer before he followed his calling and started a healing business? Or maybe it was showing me that this session was about the throat chakra and raising one’s voice? Even though I wasn’t sure what to make of it, I was able to calm down and relax.

I tuned into my body and observed all the physical sensations. At first, I felt a knocking sensation at the left side of my ribcage. Then I felt something like a stream of light or vibration flowing down from the top to the bottom which resulted in giving me warm hands and feet.

Afterwards, I felt a knocking sensation at the back of my spine around where the navel chakra is located. Then in an inner vision, I saw my third chakra spinning counter clockwise in the colors yellow, orange, and bright red. I wondered what the color ‘red’ meant regarding that chakra. I thought it was supposed to be yellow according to the texts I had read about it. Was it my anger, maybe? That was the first time that I had felt any of my chakras.

After the amazing chakra vision, I felt a hammering sensation on my head. It started to become uncomfortable, even painful. What was was this guy doing? It felt as if he was attempting to open my skull with hammer and chisel.

At the end of the session, I felt a stitching sensation at the left side of my chest.

Afterwards, I was totally exhausted. I had expected to feel very relaxed and refreshed after this half-hour session. But, no, I was exhausted and went to bed early that evening. During the following night, I had three dreams with the subject of communication and setting boundaries.

The amazing thing about the healer session was not only that I could physically feel something even though it was a remote healing session. I was also surprised and grateful that it helped my breathing issues.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Further instructions and the check mark sign

After the stern warning with the feather in the throat had become manifest as breathing issues, I was given further instructions.

Dream: contact guides

On June 7, 2013, I had the following dream. I was sitting in amphitheater and behind me on the left side, there was my former chemistry teacher Mrs. Steinke who had already passed a couple of years ago. I liked her a lot when I was at school. Sometimes she visits me  when I need encouragement, and I am always so happy to meet her in my dreams.

All the people in the amphitheater were given instructions that we should contact our guides and then we should begin to sing a tone in the same pitch. It was clear to me that my former chemistry teacher was the guide I should contact.

But even though I felt so happy to meet Mrs. Steinke again, I did not comply. Instead I took out my cell phone and thought, ‘They want us to contact our guides? Very well, here we go, I will call Mrs. Steinke from my phone.’ even though she sat right behind me. It was an attempt to cheekily play a round of hide-and-seek again.

I woke up, very happy about having met my former  teacher, but with breathing trouble in my throat again. And this time no homeopathic remedy would help.

Dream: be transparent

On July 9, 2013, I dreamed that I wanted to learn to see fairies and elves. In my vacation apartment, I was hosting an event with a bunch of people where a woman was invited who could see fairies. With much anticipation and excitement, I waited for this woman. Would she teach me how to see fairies?

Then, an old lady came in ( – but she was not the one who could see fairies – ) and told me that I should dress myself in light turquoise transparent dungarees with frills at the top. She also requested that I wear only that and no underwear.

I was uncomfortable with that suggestion. The fabric was very thin and see-through. But I gave in.

The woman who could see fairies still had not arrived. But now, many people came in and the room was full.

I sat across from another woman and thought maybe she could read my aura. But she didn’t. Instead, she gave me a slip of paper. It said that I should write down my full name, email, and my address. And then I should tell all the people in the room what I had experienced on my spiritual journey.

I was appalled by that suggestion. I did not want to tell people my story in connection with my real name. My privacy was sacred to me.

Then I woke up.

Interpretation
The light turquoise pointed to the throat chakra which is about communication. I was invited to communicate and to be very transparent (just like the fabric of the transparent dungarees).
This dream contained very clear guidance about how I was supposed to continue. To come out of hiding with my full name and address and tell what I had experienced.
But I resisted. That was way out of my comfort zone. I felt too vulnerable.

On one hand, I was secretly dreaming of sharing more and writing about all the incredible stories I had experienced on my journey. But on the other hand, it still felt too early and premature, too vulnerable, too dangerous.

The check mark sign

Part of the reason that I was hesitant to share my story was that I wasn’t really sure that I had really grokked that I am awareness and that I am in a different dimension compared to the visible world, at the same time surrounding it as well as permeating it. Everything in everyday life still looked so normal, except that the sense of the silent observer in me was more present. Was that enough? How could I dare to speak up and write what I had experienced?

In the Eastern traditions, spiritual students usually had their guru who would confirm to them that they ‘got it’. And it was usually only after that confirmation (AND after an additional integration period of about 10 years) that they would dare to write and share. But I was on my own and had no guru, except for my spirit guides, that is.

But on one day in July 2013, in the middle of this arduous pondering and doubting, I stared at the bathroom door in our house and was amazed by what I saw.

Just in front of my eyes, in the middle of the door, there was a tiny green checkmark. It was a piece of the fabric of a green plastic net which was used for packaging zucchini in the supermarket. In German, we use the verb ‘to check’ also as a synonym for ‘to understand something’. I assumed that some invisible power behind the scenes had placed that tiny piece there in front of my eyes to let me know that I had indeed understood that I am awareness.

I wondered how this piece of plastic got to the door and admired the abilities of my guides to communicate with me. This confirmation gave me a new sense of peace. But I still wasn’t willing to go ahead and share more publicly.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Throat chakra issues

Dream: a feather in the throat

After my resistance to share my spiritual journey and some admonishment in dreams,  I was given a warning. In a dream on February 26, 2013, I saw a transparent model of a throat. And in there was a tiny blue feather tickling the throat.

Were my guides going to tickle my throat until I would finally give in and post my text? That prospect should cause me some concern. But I didn’t have any health issues in my throat at that time and dismissed the warning.

But then I got the following dreams that were also warnings.

Dream: the violent dance teacher

On May 10, 2013, I dreamed that I talked to a dance teacher. He told me that he believed in violent teaching and education methods.

I felt deterred when he said that, and I thought about whether I should better flee and get away from him.

In the dream, I was drinking from a cup of tea with loose peppermint leaves in it. It tasted disgustingly bitter.

Interpretation

The next day, I remembered the dream. I also happened to make cup of green tea for myself – with loose tea leaves in it (which was unusual as I normally use tea bags). And because I took to much of the tea leaves, it tasted horribly bitter – just like the tea in the dream.

I used to dance a lot and passionately when I was younger (ballroom as well as latin in competition). And when dancing comes up in my dreams in the context of the spiritual journey, it usually means communicating and sharing my stuff and also letting myself be guided (just as I would let myself be guided when I was on the dance floor).

I think this was a guide who warned me that I would be pushed violently if I didn’t obey.

The bitter tea was an allusion to bitter medicine. And what a synchronicity that I made a bitter tea in waking life the next day! I think it was meant to make the recall of the dream easier and also to underline its message.

Dream: guilt after stealing labels

On May 29, 2013, I dreamed that I was in a shop and stole a bunch of neon-green freezer labels. Afterwards, I felt a terrible sense of guilt. Expecting a penalty, I wanted to flee and hide what I had done.

I needed the green labels for a Christmas gift. Then, at Christmas, a woman came and signed the gift. Somehow, I felt calmed and assured that I would not get a penalty for stealing the labels after all.

After that, I dreamed that a mixture of milk and blood were pouring out from a big hole in the middle of my chest.

Interpretation:

I wasn’t sure what to make of the color neon-green and the hole in my chest. Did the combination of these point to the heart chakra?

But the feeling of guilt was significant and more easily to interpret. I used to feel like an innocent person. I did not feel guilt usually. But that dream changed the situation. After this dream, a lot guilt came up. Not only the guilt in the dream about stealing, but also long forgotten guilt about little forbidden things I had done as a child, like plucking flowers from some random front yard.

At that time, I did not connect the guilt to my resistance to the guidance I got that I should share. But in retrospect I think that it was connected. This dream prepared the way for the feeling of guilt to come up full force later during that year. And I think that I was supposed to feel that way for being disobedient and not following guidance.

Breathing issues

It was only shortly after the dream with the labels that I got breathing issues. I had been angry again about the unfair situation at work, so angry that I got a feeling of swelling and constriction in my throat and could not breathe properly. This time, I was able to heal it with a homeopathic remedy. But the breathing issues would occur again later, and then no remedy would help.

The dream from about three months ago  with the feather tickling in the throat had obviously been a warning that this sort of trouble would occur. Because I resisted expressing myself, my body reacted with issues in the throat chakra area.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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