The relief of sharing and connecting

After my spirit guides had made it clear in so many different ways that it was important for me to go online and share, I made my first hesitant babysteps in the online world.

Commenting on a blog

In May, 2014, I discovered a blog about the highs and lows on the journey of awakening on the blogging platform blogspot. The woman who wrote it had also found great value in the technique of resting in awareness and shared how she dealt with the challenges in everyday life. My interest was hooked and I wanted to connect.

So, I summoned up all my courage and left a few comments, but always as an anonymous guest commenter (but signed by my first name) as I was still too afraid to create an account and have a user on blogger.com.

This was my first step to share my experiences not only with friends, but also online where it would be visible to anyone in the world (eek!).

On one hand, I was afraid. But after I had conquered my fear, it felt so good to connect with someone who was going through the same journey and had to deal with similar issues. That blog became one of my favorite places for a while.

Dream: losing myself in irrelevancies

On May 28, 2014, I dreamed that my Dad wanted to take me and the rest of our family on a hike. Not very long, but quite steep. And when we would return, it already could have become dark.

Because I was concerned about the darkness at the end of the hike, I went home and wanted to get my hiking boots and a flashlight to be better prepared.

But at home, I got engaged in a lot of minor, unrelevant unnoyances which caused some delay. And when I went back to the hiking group with my boots and my flashlight, I had to go a long way through sand wearing slippers. It was terribly arduous and slow and unfortunately, I did not make it to the group. Then I woke up.

Interpretation I thought it meant a reprimand again that I was about to lose myself in irrelevancies. While I thought that commenting on the blog was about being prepared, some guiding force in me thought it was just a distraction

Posting in a forum

Also in May 2014, I had discovered an online forum for people on the spiritual path. It was about awakening, enlightenment, awareness, non-duality, but it also contained discussions about near-death experiences (NDE) and out-of-body experiences (OBE).

I circled around it a few times with hesitation. And around end of May, 2014, I came out of hiding there, created an account with a nickname, and on June 3rd, 2014, I shared my weird experiences with anger and burned out light bulbs, inner peace and miracles, and with resistance and the resulting breathing issues.

Again, like for the blog where I commented anonymously, I had to go through fear, but afterwards it felt so good to be able to connect with folks who were on a similar journey.

Shouldn’t I feel blessed?

On June 4, 2014, I saw a video about an autistic girl named Carly. She shared that she had difficulty to talk and connect with others due to her autism, but she also shared how happy she was that at least her writing helped her to communicate with others.

I was very moved by her story. But I was also moved because it seemed to be like a message from beyond that I should consider myself blessed to be able to connect and communicate with others through writing and speaking easily. It was like another nudge to come out of hiding and share more.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Mother’s Day encouragements

I knew I was told to share my story. But resistance crept in again.

As the following stories illustrate, my guidance continued to push me forward through my fears of coming out of hiding, using a mixture of gentle and stern dreams, signs, and songs playing in my head.

Dream: Dare to take the plunge

On the evening of May 5, 2014, before going to sleep, I asked my guidance what I could do to speed up the process of writing. I was still working on my book project, but it had become slow and tedious. I felt this by now familiar sense of reverence and submissiveness towards the divine, but because I knew that I was off track, it was mixed with fear, hesitation, and the ensuing feeling of guilt and expectation of punishment again.

The following night, I dreamed that I was standing at the side of a large public swimming pool. In the pool, there were around five people swimming and having fun.

But the strange thing was that even though the water was quite shallow, they were all wearing ridiculously oversized, white life jackets. I thought, ‘Why do they have these huge life jackets on? It is not dangerous at all.’

But I did not enter the water. I stayed at the side, watching. Shy, reserved, and hesitant.

Then I woke up with the song playing in my head ‘A little party never killed nobody’ .

After I got to work and had logged on to my PC that morning, an advertisement of a phone company popped up with a picture of a girl standing in hesitation on a spring board high above a swimming pool. The (German) text on the picture said something like, ‘Dare to take the plunge!’

Interpretation
I found it remarkable and impressive how I first got such a blunt dream and then saw a picture in real life which transported the same meaning. It probably referred to communicating more with other people, in an online forum, for example.

Dream: If you go online, it will be a downhill ride

About a week after that, I dreamed that I was riding my bike in our town and wanted to go home. While waiting at a crossing at a red traffic light, I saw a huge computer screen on the way straight in front of me. It showed a street which was going downhill for a long stretch.
I wanted to go there, right into the computer screen and on this long downhill road. The ride would be wonderfully effortless. But I waited and waited and the traffic light would not turn green for half an hour.
Completely annoyed, I finally gave up and took a right turn instead. But here, I had to go uphill over a small hill. This way would take longer to get me home. And I should better call my family and let them know that I would be late for dinner on that day.

Interpretation
Going online with my writing (computer screen) was the fastest path home (it was an easy downhill ride). But I should not wait for the green light. If I would choose not to go online, then my journey to go ‘Home’ (spiritually) would be more arduous and take longer.

Dream: Finger pointing to the moon

Then I dreamed that I was in a lab with several scientists. One of them wore a black T-shirt with a picture of the moon in several different moon phases printed on it. The scientists were all pointing with their fingers to these moons. And they asked me when I would finally join them.

But I shook my head, still hesitant. And because I was so stubbornly resistant, one of the men pulled me over his lap and started to spank me.

Interpretation
‘The finger pointing to the moon’ is used as a metaphor for pointing to the divine. In the original metaphor it says that one should be concerned with the divine, but not with the finger which was just pointing to it.

I was asked to join them in their work of pointing to the divine. And it was a funny metaphor since my last name is Finger. Should I be a finger pointing to the moon?

The spanking at the end seemed to be a warning that I would experience trouble again if I did not comply. It could also be a consequence of the feelings of guilt and expectation of punishment which I had because I felt that I was still not in alignment with what my soul wanted.

Dream: Things breaking down

The next dream showed me many things breaking down in my house. There was a large area where water was seeping through the ceiling of our living room.

Interpretation
I concluded that this hinted at problems (technical problems and health issues) which I would encounter if I did not share online.

Mother’s Day encouragements

On May 11, 2015 (Mother’s Day), during a walk in our nearby forest, I met an old friend. On her T-shirt, I saw the encouraging words, ‘Do what you love! ’ I noticed the message and said a silent Thank You to the invisible forces behind the veil.

But then I added in my mind, ‘I sorely need encouragement that going online is the right thing to do. I am so scared. Please give me another sign. How about a four-leaf clover?’

I looked down to the grass and started to search for clover. And, lo and behold, after a short time, I found my four-leaf clover. What a gift on Mother’s Day!

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Don’t rest too early

Even though I had started to write down my story and life had tried to pull me out of a phase of apathy, I was still in a place of low energy. Here I share two events, one from a dream and one in real life, which both served to underline the same message that I should not rest too early.

On April 18, 2014, Good Friday, I had the following dream: I traveled via airplane to the USA.

After arrival at the airport, I got off and reached a waiting area with nothing but black chairs where I sat down and then fell asleep from exhaustion.

Much later, I woke up and realized that I needed to get up and pick up my luggage. From there, I continued to the exit where my brother was waiting for me. He was slightly annoyed since he had been waiting for me for a long time.

Interpretation:
After sending out the second draft version of my story, I felt that I had reached a milestone and sort of ‘arrived’, but I needed a rest because I was totally exhausted. But this was not the right place to rest. I first needed to pick up my luggage and then meet my brother. Even though my brother does live in the USA at the moment, I interpreted ‘meeting my brother’ metaphorically as a symbol for sharing with fellow spiritual travelers.

About a month after that dream, on May 29, Ascension Day, a real-life event happened.

I was walking along a small street across a field which is also used as a glider airfield. Then I saw how a small glider landed, but it touched the ground too early and lost all momentum, therefore ending up on the wrong side of the street. A car had to come and tow it across the small street to the little airport.

Message:
I interpreted this as an admonishment which was in synch with the airplane dream about not resting too early. After awakening, I had to participate in life again, i.e. animate this amazing meat-suit, play a role on the stage of life, and communicate about what I had experienced.

It was amazing that both messages came through on important Christian holidays, Good Friday and Ascension Day. That seemed to add more emphasis.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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From apathy back to life again

From January through March 2014, I had fallen into the pit of the void, a very calm and peaceful place, but also very low energy, full of apathy and listlessness. But life would not let me rest there for too long and gave me some tasks in order to drag me out of that state.

The sick budgie

In March 2014, one of our budgies became sick. He started to throw up food frequently and looked very tired and exhausted.

On March 13, 2014, I asked before sleep how I could help my budgie. Maybe there was a homeopathic remedy I could give him. But which one? Could I please get an answer?

But instead of an answer from an inner voice or a dream, I woke up with pain on the back of my nose. Very unusual. It felt as if someone had just given me a blow on the nose.

What did that mean? Was it an answer to my question about my sick budgie?

I thought that it meant that my guides gave me a blow on the nose in order to get me out of my lethargy. Maybe the budgie became sick so that I had someone to take care of? Then I would get a sense of urgency and purpose again and get out of my apathy. When I remembered this event in my life later, the analogy to the moving story of the famous book A Street Cat Named Bob came to my mind where the drug addict had been saved because life led him to take care of a sick cat. What a clever strategy! It worked. My energy level went up a bit.

I also pondered how the bird was mirroring me with his sickness and tiredness.

On one hand, I felt this apathy. But on the other hand, there was also a sense of restlessness and urgency which welled up at times. As if I had an important task to do. I just wasn’t aware what that task was.

I tried two homeopathic liver remedies for my sick pet and took him to the vet who also prescribed several liver remedies. And it helped. The budgie recovered.

Invite friends!

My energy level was a bit better after the event with the sick budgie, but the unseen forces behind the veil (my guides, Source, Holy Spirit, whoever that was) weren’t done with me yet.

On March 29, 2014, the inner voice of guidance came through very clearly in the phase between sleeping and waking after a nap. I was told to invite a bunch of families with kids for brunch. They were old friends with whom I had connected during my days of BalFolk dancing and we had not met for a whole while since everyone was busy with work and taking care of little children. I was even given the specific date for the invitation. May 1st, which is a holiday here in Germany.

But I resisted and discussed this with my guides. Why on earth would I have to do this? There was no special occasion. No birthday party or something like that. And I still had low energy and felt listless. With horror, I thought about how I could possibly muster enough energy to clean the entire house and set up the living room so that about 20 people could be seated. And then all the little children in our house… Imagine the chaos! Merely thinking about that evoked a feeling of overwhelm and panic.

But the inner voice was very insistent.

Sigh!

Can you imagine how strange this felt? There was this inner voice from discarnate entities or whatever, sternly telling me to do something which I did not want to do. If I had told this to anyone who was not into spirituality and guides and so on, he would have shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, if you don’t feel like doing it, then just don’t do it. What is the problem?”

But from my experiences in the past, I suspected that I would run into trouble if I resisted again.

Therefore, I asked for more time to think about it – and also for signs of confirmation, please.

And the universe would respond to my request.

The next day, I took my Sunday walk around the fields and through a small forest. During the walk, I overheard the following piece of a conversation, “Guys, I really appreciate that we meet again.”

Then I overheard another conversation in a different group, “When one doesn’t initiate things, it will just peter out. If you leave it just to itself, then nobody is going to participate.”

Afterwards, I ‘coincidentally’ met an old friend whom I had not seen for a while. We walked a while together, talked a lot, and then she recommended the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware to me. I had not told her about the request from my inner voice. She just mentioned this book out of the blue.

When I looked up at home what the regrets of the dying were in the book, one of them was ‘I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.’

I was moved. Okay. These were three signs. And all of them had been given on the same day. Obviously, the inner voice was not just a product of my imagination. And my guides were serious about their request.

After more pep-talk by my guide, the inner voice indicated that it was not only important to keep in touch with old friends. It was also important to come out of hiding and share what I had experienced. And not only to a single person during the occasional lunch, but also in a group. I was told sternly to not put up such a fuss.

Sigh. Okay…

I gave in and later invited the families for brunch on May 1st.

The brunch took place as planned. Even though it was quite stressful for me beforehand, the event itself was very harmonic and everone enjoyed it. We had a yummy brunch and danced some BalFolk dances together. And I even shared some of my stories about burned out light bulbs and manifested wishes with one of the friends who was on a spiritual path.

***

In the metaphor of the hike, I had rested on the riverside again. Only this time, I was not running in procrastination circles. It was rather like drowning in a puddle or a little pond at the riverside. And having to become active (by taking the sick pet to the vet and inviting friends over) was the loving push I received which nudged me to go back into the flow of the river again.

This also underlines the message that it was important to keep swimming actively while I was in the river. Going limp and assuming that the river would carry me was not an option.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (if you want to start to read this from the beginning, I suggest that you go to the table of contents).

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