Being pushed through fear

The nudges to share my story continued, and my inner tension became unbearable.

Dream: Being late

On October 15, 2014, I dreamed that I intended to take the bus to the university at 7 am. But I was still busy looking for a coconut which I wanted to take with me as food. I would be late.

Then during waking up, I got a message that I should show my journaled texts to someone. I should not just share my carefully composed texts which I had written for the book, but rather share some of my spontaneous journaled texts.

Interpretation
I thought that the dream and the subsequent message told me that I should write and share. It had been a while since I had finished the second draft version of my still unpublished text. And since then, my efforts had come to a halt. The dream told me that I was late. Not only that, but I was also admonished to be even more vulnerable by showing my journal to someone else.

But I thought, no way! I am not going to show my journaled texts to others.

But after resisting, I started to feel that familiar tension again which came from being aware that I was supposed to write and share and the other hand knowing that I was not doing it. In the metaphor of the hike, I had entered a procrastination loop at the riverside again. The payoff was that I felt safe and somewhat relaxed, or at least not stressed out. But I was out of alignment and I could sense it. And it started to feel more and more uncomfortable.

Please help me fulfill my mission!

Because I could not stand this awful tension any longer, I started to beg for help. I prayed to my guides, ‘Please, make me fulfill my mission here. Please do what it takes to help me through this, or even to force me through this.’

Yes, I asked them to even force me through this. I was that desperate. And afterwards, I forgot about this prayer and then wondered why they were indeed applying often very rude measures to force me to obey.

A newspaper’s call for readers’ contributions

Now, my urgent prayer didn’t go unnoticed, but was answered right away. On that same day, I noticed a call in an online version of a German newspaper for readers’ contributions about the topic of religion and faith. They asked their readers to share whether they believe in a religion, in which one, or in atheism, and why.

I realized that this was an answer to my prayer. It was like I was being tested. Would I be willing to share my story and my belief system which had been turned upside down?

But, too afraid to take any risks, I procrastinated again. I asked myself, how would the universe respond to my hesitation?

The clogged drain

The answer appeared promptly. Our bathroom sink got clogged. I do prefer a clogged drain over a clogged throat chakra, but it still sucks.

Shit!

I was aware immediately that I probably caused the clogging by my resistance to share. It was mirroring me. As within, so without. I assumed that I would have to pour chemicals into it in order to fix the drain. How annoying! Sometimes, life on Earth sucks.

Three days later, on October 18, 2014, in the evening, I confessed to my husband, “You know, the clogged drain is very likely caused by my refusal to respond to that newspaper’s call for readers’ experiences about spirituality.”

He listened patiently, probably not believing my theory. Then, he got up and went to the bathroom. “Honey, did you do something to the drain? It appears to be cleaned now. I didn’t pour any chemicals into it. Did you?”

No, I didn’t either.

I think my acknowledgement and confession that the clogged drain mirrored my inner clogging made the drain become free again.

An error ticket is mirroring my procrastination

Now, the drain was free again. But I still had not written anything to the newspaper. So, I was sent another nudge. This time it was an error ticket at work.

I had created an error ticket about a technical issue a while ago. However, the error ticket was not resolved yet. After looking at the history of it, I saw that it appeared to be going back and forth infinitely. It looked like a deliberate attempt at procrastination and delay.

And again, this was mirroring me. I could see my spirit guide mocking me gently,
‘And I should really write? …
What was it again that you said I should do?
Really?
And, uhm, er, what?
Wait…, have to think about it…
Oh, I think I forgot again what I wanted to write.’

The dialog in the error ticket went back and forth in a similar way. And it was exactly how I was behaving towards my spirit guides.

I saw the situation clearly and had to forgive my slow colleagues. No self-righteous temper tantrums allowed, but instead I had to humbly acknowledge that they were just mirroring me.

And finally, on October 20, 2014, I sat down and wrote a letter to the online newspaper and shared my experiences with anger and burned out light bulbs vs inner peace and miracles. I wrote about my beliefs that we are consciousness and that an invisible hand is guiding us home to inner peace.

My letter to the newspaper was never published. But still, I felt a lot of relief that I had mustered the courage to write it.

Sharing about woo stuff at work

The next nudge to share appeared on October 22, 2014. I was given was an opportunity to share about my experiences in our intranet portal at work.

A colleague from the health department of our company had written an article where she asked for her readers’ opinions and tips for career development at the end. I had really enjoyed many of her articles about personal development and had wished for an opportunity to get in contact with her. And here it was.

So, what should I write? Of course, fear crept in right away and I procrastinated again thinking that I would just skip this opportunity. Writing about woo-stuff at our company? All the materialistic, left-brained nerds would be able to read and ridicule it. A few years back, I had been one of them. No way I would want to subject myself to that. It was too far out of my comfort zone.

But the universe would not let me off the hook.

In the evening of the same day, when I rode home with my bike, the bike chain came off and got stuck so badly that I could not fix it. I had to walk my bike home which would take me about an hour.

The entire time during that walk, there was a discussion in my mind with my spirit guide. I complained bitterly, of course. But he told me sternly not to complain. I should be grateful that it was not raining, that I had no pain in my feet from my rheumatoid arthritis, and that my guides made me walk back only half the way from work and not the full length. He said that they wanted to make clear to me that my hesitation was not tolerated. I was invited to exercise fearlessness. No more excuses!

I thought about it and then made the resolve that I would write. And afterwards, I heard the song Isn’t She Lovely playing in my mind as if it was a confirmation that this was the correct way to go.

And on the next day, October 23, 2014, I wrote a short comment in the intranet portal at work about my woo experiences. I never got any feedback, neither positive nor negative. Which was kind of a relief.

There was a third experience very similar to the two other ones where I had the opportunity to share in written form and eventually overcame my hesitation but got no feedback. I sensed that all of these experiences were not so much about connecting with others, but more about managing to go through fear to share my weird experiences and changes beliefs.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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It’s like giving birth

During my struggles with my guidance to share more publicly vs my fears about coming out, I continued to receive more hints about my new job description from spirit.

Reminding people of what they had lost

September 2nd and 3rd, 2014, two events happened that seemed like another puzzle piece about my task. First, someone walking before me in the cafeteria at work lost a 5 Euro bill from his pockets. When I saw it, I shouted, “Hey, you just lost some money.”

The next day just when I was riding by on my bike, someone lost a ball which he had used as a toy for his dog. Again, I shouted, “Hello, you just lost your ball.”

When something like this happened two days in a row, I paid attention. This could be an attempt by my guidance to communicate something to by a recurring pattern of events. What was the common pattern and what was the message for me?

Here, the common pattern was that people had lost something, and I was there to let them know. Did this have a meaning for my journey?

I figured that it was maybe like a description of my task. I should remind people of what they had lost, probably the peace beyond understanding which comes from knowing that we are awareness.

Dream: Do you want to keep your stories secret?

On September 24, 2014, I had another dream that nudged me to go forward. In the dream, I was walking alone in the forest. Then I noticed a little old lady at my left hand side who suddenly stumbled and fell down.
With concern, I rushed towards her and helped her to get up. Was she okay or injured? She seemed to be okay. I noticed her gray hair and her kind-hearted smile.

We continued to walk along the path together. She started a conversation, “And what else are you doing?”

I wasn’t sure what to answer. “You mean what I am doing as a job to earn money?”

“No,” she replied, “What are you doing besides the job?” She gave me a very kind and affectionate smile that warmed my heart.

I went silent and thought about my spiritual journey. Then I confessed, “Yes, I know, I have to share it, my journey, that is.” Probably she was able to read my thoughts and knew everything about me. I felt embarrassed.

She asked, “Yes, and do you want to keep your stories to yourself? Keep them secret?”

“How do you know all this?” I was baffled.

But instead of an answer, she just smiled. And then she vanished suddenly.

Interpretation
In a gentle and very kind way, I was again reminded that I should not keep my stories secret, but that they were meant to be shared.

The stubborn baby tooth

Still clinging to my privacy and wishing to hide in anonymity, I had wished for a sloooow ramp-up of this sharing of my spiritual journey.

End of September, 2014, something strange happened. My son (who had no problems with getting new teeth before ) suddenly had a new tooth emerging while the baby tooth still had not fallen out. It was sort of dangling there, only loosely connected. Not of any use anymore, but still stubbornly held onto.

Two teeth in the same spot – that is a very strange sight. I gave a homeopathic remedy which is supposed to help in such cases . To no avail.

Then it occurred to me that this was a mirror of my situation. It was as if Source was smiling at me, saying, ‘You wanted a slow ramp-up? This is what a slow ramp-up looks like. Still clinging to your anonymity like your son’s body is clinging to the baby tooth. And it causes the new tooth to be slightly displaced. Think again. Is that what you really want?’

Ugh. I got the message.

It’s like giving birth

At work, I met a colleague from another department who was also interested in spiritual matters. I had lunch with him once and we talked about our stories and paths.

He had created a small group for people from our company around the topic of being our authentical selves at the workplace and he was still looking for new participants and eagerly wanted me to join his group.

I didn’t want to join the evening meetings on a regular basis, but I thought I that at least once would like share my experiences with burned out lightbulbs during anger and miracles when in inner peace with a small group.

I struggled a while with making this decision, though. After all, I would have to talk to unknown colleagues. Would it be safe to talk to them about my experiences? No anonymity anymore? Being there with my real name and talk about woo stuff and do it in a corporate environment?
Thinking about that made me cringe with fear again.

But on September 29, 2014, I finally made the decision that I would give it a try. I wrote an email to my colleague saying that I would not join the group regularly, but I would come once and talk about my experiences.

Afterwards something strange happened. I went to the bathroom, and as I sat on the toilet, I got strong cramps in my abdomen. It felt like very strong cramps during my period, but they were much, much stronger. But I didn’t get my period. And there wasn’t any bout of diarrhea either. What the heck was going on?

Then I left the office and rode my bike home. Fortunately, the cramps in my abdomen had stopped. But on my way through the forest, a tiny fly flew into my mouth and got stuck in my throat. Attempting to get rid of the intruder, my body cramped as if about to vomit.

This was strange. At first the cramps and pain in the abdomen. And now cramps as if I was about to vomit. I recalled that the bearing-down pains during childbirth felt like vomiting regarding the action of sudden, involuntary cramping of the body.

Then I made sense of it. My body was behaving as if I was giving birth. At first with cramps like labor-pain and then with cramps like bearing-down pains. I think I was shown that overcoming my fears was like giving birth to something. Amazing in which odd ways guidance can show up!

I went to the meeting later and shared my story there with a few people. It was a bit awkward as expected. But I felt some relief that I had had the courage to do it.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A stern rant from my spirit guide

After I had finished the second draft version of my story and sent it out to my friend, I felt a sense of having reached a plateau. I didn’t really feel the completeness of my work since it was just a draft and anything but complete. But I could not continue writing anymore. It became slower and slower and more tedious with each day.

And besides, hadn’t the synchronicity with the Polar watch just shown me that a milestone of completion had been reached? My husband had ordered and received his new watch. Then I was entitled to assume that I had finished my work by sending out the second draft – sort of, at least – I thought. And I fell into exhaustion and apathy again.

Doubts came in. What was the point of writing this? Maybe it was enough that my colleague at work would read it and also my friend Lena. Maybe it would never have to be available publicly. Life was okay the way it was.

After I had managed to make peace with not getting a promotion at work, life was flowing calmly. I was in a peaceful state of mind. A bit low energy perhaps, no more passion. But never mind, that was okay. Why should I want to leave my comfort zone now, put in some effort to write and publish this book if it would distract me from my inner peace?

But my spirit guide Aaron would not let me go and kept pushing. End of July 2014, I woke up around 3am and couldn’t fall asleep afterwards. ‘Shit! I shouldn’t have written in the online forum that I would never agree to get up in the middle of the night in order to receive and write channeled guidance,’ I thought. ‘Now my guide is going to make me do it anyway, I bet.’

Then my guide appeared and gave me a stern rant which was approximately as follows ( – I wrote this down into my journal from memory since I refused to get up and write everything down at 3am):

‘Repeat after me,’ he said and then continued with this contract-like statement,
‘I have agreed prior to incarnation to write this book.
I will work on it with focus.
And I will not procrastinate.
I agree to meet every night with my guides in order to track my progress from the last day.
In case I do not obey, I accept consequences.’

OMG!

Was that real or was it just in my imagination? When these ‘thoughts which I did not think’ appeared in my mind, I never knew for sure whether they were from me or from my guide. If that rant was a real message, then I had some more work to do.

Afterwards in August 2014, an almost unbearable feeling of guilt came up again. (I wrote about this emotion in a previous post.) It felt strange. I wasn’t even sure that it was guilt. It was like grief, remorse, or like a strong, unfulfilled longing, like homesickness. And along with that, the thought arose that the feeling needed to be quenched or alleviated somehow. Maybe the feeling would go away when I would publish my story? Or it would go away when I would suffer physical pain?

But my guide indicated to me that physical pain wasn’t going to alleviate the feeling. And then he told me, ‘A few more weeks at most. Then you will be ready.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked in my mind. ‘Maybe around 20 weeks?’

‘I said ‘weeks’. Not ‘months’,’ re replied.

Afterwards, I had a vision of a woman who had a chalice. In one scene, she drank from it. Then I was shown another scene, where she poured the content of the chalice away. I assumed it meant choosing to either go through some challenges and trials, or not. (- because it reminded me of Mt 20:22 where Jesus asks, “Can you drink the chalice that I am going to drink?” ), and it left me with an uneasy feeling of apprehension about what it was for which I would be ready.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

***

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The Polar watch synchronicities

On the spiritual path, the inner world and outer world become more closely connected, and sometimes it is hilarious to see in which form these mirrorings and synchronicities appear.

January 2014: a pattern emerges
As I mentioned earlier, in January 2014, I started to notice an emerging long-term pattern of synchronicities between my writing of the (never-published) book draft and a certain type of new sports watch. During that time, the Polar company was about to bring a new sports watch (Polar V800) to the market. This watch with all sorts of cool new features was thought to be a game changer and was already eagerly awaited by the people in the runners’ community.

Whenever I thought about writing down my story in a book-like format, my husband started to think about buying the new Polar sports watch. But whenever I doubted and thought that I would rather stop writing, my husband said, “You know what? I think I don’t really need this new, expensive watch.”

The whole process of my writing and sharing my story on one side, and of the release and arrival of the Polar watch on the other side started to evolve in parallel, both of the releases (my writing as well as the watch) having a lot of delays. It was fascinating and funny to watch.

Here are some of my milestones which I already shared in previous posts, but this time combined with the Polar watch synchronicities.

End of April 2014: delays
After several postponements, the really cool new sports watch was announced to be released by May 2014. The people in the runners’ community were getting excited and impatient.

That sort of put some pressure on me that my writing was supposed to be ready by that time, too. But I thought, ‘Dear universe, forget it. My book is never gonna be ready by May.’

End of April, I saw a story of a guy who wanted to test a pre-release of the new sports watch while swimming in the ocean. However, when he went into the water, he got severely injured by a stingray and had to call the ambulance. No test of the watch possible. So, there was a delay.

Since I was aware of the parallel unfoldment of my writing and the release of the Polar watch, I felt a bit uneasy about reading about this guy’s accident. But then I settled on the perception that even though our stories were connected in mysterious ways, this accident was not really my fault.

June 3rd , 2014: the decision
In the beginning of June, I managed to post my story (about my anger and burned out light bulbs and about the value of inner peace) in a forum. Finally. Afterwards, I felt exhausted and relieved.

Finally, my husband had made up his mind and ordered the cool new GPS sports watch from Polar. It was not available yet, though. The release date was delayed again and was now planned for end of June 2014.

We had both made our decisions. For me, it was about sharing online for the very first time. And for my husband, it was about ordering the watch.

What a synchronicity!

July 10, 2014: shipment
I had sent the second draft of my book to my friend Lena.

In the evening of that very same day, my husband got the confirmation that his new sports watch has been sent out.

Really, there was no way that this parallel behavior of my book and the watch could be mere coincidence.

July 14, 2014: still room for improvement
I was exhausted, but relieved that I managed to send out the second draft. However, I realized that the text still needed much improvement.

My husband loved the new watch. Some software features were still missing, though.

December 2019: an ending and a new beginning
While the first version of the book has never made it beyond the 2nd draft version, in December 2019 / January 2020 I started to publish my story (which you are currently reading) on my blog in weekly blogposts. Now, the older version of my book had become obsolete.

Even at this point, there was a parallelism. The Polar watch of my husband broke down around December 2019. And, guess what, in 2020 he repeatedly thought about buying another new, expensive watch.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A milestone and a new job description

After having overcome my fear of sharing and after my first hesitant and anonymous babysteps in the online world, I received more guidance about my task, and their clarity and timing blew me away.

An announcement
On June 9, 2014, I received a very clear message in a dream which said, ‘In 40 days, you will have a new job description.’

These types of announcements were rare. A complete sentence and it was given to me in English (even though my mother tongue is German).

What did that mean?

Immediately, I started to feel apprehensive. Worries crept in. Would I have to change the department at work? Or would I have to leave the company?

I had no idea. But I made a mental note to pay attention to further messages I would receive, especially in 40 days which would be around July 19, 2014.

The second draft version of my story
During this time period from end of September 2013, after I had heard the message, ‘Write that book! You are late’ until June 2014, I had been writing my story chapter by chapter into a book format.

It was a slow and tedious process, getting even slower the more the work neared some point of completion.

In June 2014, it was still not really finished yet. There were many things to be decided and refined. But at least, I had managed to complete not only a first but already an improved second draft version. And because my guidance had prompted me to send my story to my friend Lena back in October 2013, I sent her my second draft on July 10, 2014.

That felt like another huge milestone for me.

But then my efforts stopped. Even though the work was unfinished, the second draft was all I managed to complete at that time. Afterwards, I sank into exhaustion and apathy again. The book never made it beyond the second draft version.

In case you wonder about its content, it was a mixture of three topics all crammed into one book: First, my story (which is currently, 2020, being published here on my blog in weekly blog posts). Second, the many forms of divine guidance (which I already published in 2017 in the script of the Divine Guidance Workshop, available for free here). And third, about the process of the spiritual journey in general together with tips about how to find back to inner peace if shit hits the fan.

In retrospect, I understand that I was trying to put too many topics into one book, and I can see now how spirit tried to guide me to publish things step by step. First, the stuff about divine guidance. Then my story. And the rest of the unpublished second draft will probably be written about at some time in the future.

Dream: my new job description
On July 20, 2014, (which was 41 days after the announcement that I would get a new job description in 40 days), I had the following dream: I saw a sandy path lined at both sides with flowers. All of these flowers had the shape of long panicles with many little blossoms. They reminded me of hyacinths, but overly long. As long as tall lupins. Each of the tiny little blossoms on the long panicles was white on the edges and a beautiful deep purplish beetroot in the middle.

Then my attention was drawn to the flower directly at the entrance of the path on the left hand side as it suddenly became very bright, as if lighting up from the inside. I noticed that it was a bit shorter than the other flowers.

Interpretation The path reminded me of a scene from a vision I got as a congratulation ceremony after mustering the courage to write about spiritual topics to my friend Lena.

I thought that these flowers were my mind’s interpretation of light beings or auras or something like that. The flowers on the right hand side of the path could be the non-physical guides (like in the congratulation ceremony), while the ones on the left hand side were probably the ones who were incarnated.

The shorter flower directly at the entrance on the left side was then an incarnated guide who was new to the job and had some work to do regarding his growth. I assumed that it was meant to represent me and my new job description.

So, my job was to be someone who stood at the side of the path of spiritual travelers. I was a new hire and would enter now into a phase of training.

I wasn’t sure yet what my role was, though. Just observe others? Or be of assistance? And in what way? I had to wait for further instructions.

Dream: share your peanuts with fellow travelers
The next night, July 21, I received further instructions in the following dream: Together with my little son and a group of what looked like homeless people, I was outside in front of a large train station. Our group wanted to go to a theater play. I was planning the trip and studying the timetables, trying to find the right trains for our trip.

It was dark and cold outside, and my fellow travelers all looked somewhat wretched, tired, and hungry. I had an open bag of yummy peanuts in batter, already half-empty, which I was sharing with my fellow travelers. Additionally, each of us got a bowl of warm and creamy pumpkin soup. Ahh, that felt so good!

In the background, I saw my little son riding his scooter but without keeping his hands on the handle. That looked cool but also a bit dangerous.

Interpretation: I would have to share my experiences (my peanuts) with fellow travelers on the path. I would provide food for weary souls on the spiritual path and I was also involved in planning the trip.

Without the announcement that I would have a new job description in 40 days, I would not have paid attention and not been able to make sense of these dreams.

Okay. So, that was my new job description. To stand at the side of the path of spiritual travelers. To plan the transportation on the trip and to provide nourishment.

But wasn’t that too big of a task for me? Was I prepared to do that?

As if to answer that question, I received a very kind and encouraging personal message full of appreciation for my writing on that same day from one of the moderators of the online forum about spirituality which I had joined previously.

Together with the two dreams mentioned above, this was the third message that fit in with my new job description. I was moved and very grateful. And I could sense how my guide was smiling graciously in the background.

***

In the metaphor of the hike, after the two procrastination loops (refusing to write at all and then falling into the apathy of the pit of the void) before, not only had I reached an important milestone (sending out the second draft version of my story), but I had also been given a new job description. I was now (in the summer of 2014) actually swimming in the river.

But the next procrastination loop was about to happen.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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