The nudges to share my story continued, and my inner tension became unbearable.
Dream: Being late
On October 15, 2014, I dreamed that I intended to take the bus to the university at 7 am. But I was still busy looking for a coconut which I wanted to take with me as food. I would be late.
Then during waking up, I got a message that I should show my journaled texts to someone. I should not just share my carefully composed texts which I had written for the book, but rather share some of my spontaneous journaled texts.
I thought that the dream and the subsequent message told me that I should write and share. It had been a while since I had finished the second draft version of my still unpublished text. And since then, my efforts had come to a halt. The dream told me that I was late. Not only that, but I was also admonished to be even more vulnerable by showing my journal to someone else.
But I thought, no way! I am not going to show my journaled texts to others.
But after resisting, I started to feel that familiar tension again which came from being aware that I was supposed to write and share and the other hand knowing that I was not doing it. In the metaphor of the hike, I had entered a procrastination loop at the riverside again. The payoff was that I felt safe and somewhat relaxed, or at least not stressed out. But I was out of alignment and I could sense it. And it started to feel more and more uncomfortable.
Please help me fulfill my mission!
Because I could not stand this awful tension any longer, I started to beg for help. I prayed to my guides, ‘Please, make me fulfill my mission here. Please do what it takes to help me through this, or even to force me through this.’
Yes, I asked them to even force me through this. I was that desperate. And afterwards, I forgot about this prayer and then wondered why they were indeed applying often very rude measures to force me to obey.
A newspaper’s call for readers’ contributions
Now, my urgent prayer didn’t go unnoticed, but was answered right away. On that same day, I noticed a call in an online version of a German newspaper for readers’ contributions about the topic of religion and faith. They asked their readers to share whether they believe in a religion, in which one, or in atheism, and why.
I realized that this was an answer to my prayer. It was like I was being tested. Would I be willing to share my story and my belief system which had been turned upside down?
But, too afraid to take any risks, I procrastinated again. I asked myself, how would the universe respond to my hesitation?
The clogged drain
The answer appeared promptly. Our bathroom sink got clogged. I do prefer a clogged drain over a clogged throat chakra, but it still sucks.
I was aware immediately that I probably caused the clogging by my resistance to share. It was mirroring me. As within, so without. I assumed that I would have to pour chemicals into it in order to fix the drain. How annoying! Sometimes, life on Earth sucks.
Three days later, on October 18, 2014, in the evening, I confessed to my husband, “You know, the clogged drain is very likely caused by my refusal to respond to that newspaper’s call for readers’ experiences about spirituality.”
He listened patiently, probably not believing my theory. Then, he got up and went to the bathroom. “Honey, did you do something to the drain? It appears to be cleaned now. I didn’t pour any chemicals into it. Did you?”
No, I didn’t either.
I think my acknowledgement and confession that the clogged drain mirrored my inner clogging made the drain become free again.
An error ticket is mirroring my procrastination
Now, the drain was free again. But I still had not written anything to the newspaper. So, I was sent another nudge. This time it was an error ticket at work.
I had created an error ticket about a technical issue a while ago. However, the error ticket was not resolved yet. After looking at the history of it, I saw that it appeared to be going back and forth infinitely. It looked like a deliberate attempt at procrastination and delay.
And again, this was mirroring me. I could see my spirit guide mocking me gently,
‘And I should really write? …
What was it again that you said I should do?
And, uhm, er, what?
Wait…, have to think about it…
Oh, I think I forgot again what I wanted to write.’
The dialog in the error ticket went back and forth in a similar way. And it was exactly how I was behaving towards my spirit guides.
I saw the situation clearly and had to forgive my slow colleagues. No self-righteous temper tantrums allowed, but instead I had to humbly acknowledge that they were just mirroring me.
And finally, on October 20, 2014, I sat down and wrote a letter to the online newspaper and shared my experiences with anger and burned out light bulbs vs inner peace and miracles. I wrote about my beliefs that we are consciousness and that an invisible hand is guiding us home to inner peace.
My letter to the newspaper was never published. But still, I felt a lot of relief that I had mustered the courage to write it.
Sharing about woo stuff at work
The next nudge to share appeared on October 22, 2014. I was given was an opportunity to share about my experiences in our intranet portal at work.
A colleague from the health department of our company had written an article where she asked for her readers’ opinions and tips for career development at the end. I had really enjoyed many of her articles about personal development and had wished for an opportunity to get in contact with her. And here it was.
So, what should I write? Of course, fear crept in right away and I procrastinated again thinking that I would just skip this opportunity. Writing about woo-stuff at our company? All the materialistic, left-brained nerds would be able to read and ridicule it. A few years back, I had been one of them. No way I would want to subject myself to that. It was too far out of my comfort zone.
But the universe would not let me off the hook.
In the evening of the same day, when I rode home with my bike, the bike chain came off and got stuck so badly that I could not fix it. I had to walk my bike home which would take me about an hour.
The entire time during that walk, there was a discussion in my mind with my spirit guide. I complained bitterly, of course. But he told me sternly not to complain. I should be grateful that it was not raining, that I had no pain in my feet from my rheumatoid arthritis, and that my guides made me walk back only half the way from work and not the full length. He said that they wanted to make clear to me that my hesitation was not tolerated. I was invited to exercise fearlessness. No more excuses!
I thought about it and then made the resolve that I would write. And afterwards, I heard the song Isn’t She Lovely playing in my mind as if it was a confirmation that this was the correct way to go.
And on the next day, October 23, 2014, I wrote a short comment in the intranet portal at work about my woo experiences. I never got any feedback, neither positive nor negative. Which was kind of a relief.
There was a third experience very similar to the two other ones where I had the opportunity to share in written form and eventually overcame my hesitation but got no feedback. I sensed that all of these experiences were not so much about connecting with others, but more about managing to go through fear to share my weird experiences and changes beliefs.
This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).