Looking back

Looking back at my spiritual journey, at first slowly winding uphill through life’s challenges, then resting in blissful meditation at the lake at the mountaintop, then downhill again with more lessons and tests and resisting or following the flow of the river which guided me to share, I see two distinct phases.

One phase was the uphill part of the journey. It was not only tumultuous and painful, but also shattered my worldview at every turn of the road. It was a mixture of painful letting go of my former self-image, but at the same time joyfully embracing a new worldview. The pain of the rheumatoid arthritis sucked, but on the other hand it was great to learn about the wonders of homeopathy. Likewise, it was very painful to let go of my self-image as the engaged and successful employee, but how cool to discover that my thoughts can influence the weather! I would describe the uphill phase as letting go of what was before and as a crushing of my self-will. Eventually, this uphill way culminated in coming to see myself as awareness at the mountaintop.

The next distinct phase was going downhill again. This time, there was a new boss. After my self-will had been crushed, there was divine guidance leading me what to do. The role of my human self was just to observe, record, contemplate, and accept the lessons that showed up and to stop making such a fuss when I was guided to write and share.

At the beginning of the unitive life

Early in my journey when I came into contact with the spiritual literature, I was intrigued by accounts of people who had permanently lost their sense of being a separate self. Not just temporarily in a blissful meditation experience but permanently (as described in the books of Suzanne Segal and Bernadette Roberts, for example). Could I get there too? And how? And what would it feel like? I was very interested and determined to find enlightenment.

But along the way, I realized that this is not something that can be forced. The very thing that strives for enlightenment (the separate self) would be annihilated in the process. So, I gave up on that ‘project’ and thought it would be best if I just followed what I was guided to do, namely write and share my story. And that is what I did.

The path I have traveled represents barely coming to the beginning of the unitive life where one acts guided by divine will. And since I still have not only a separate sense of self but also a lot of ego running the show, I want to note just for perspective that, on a general map of the journey, enlightenment (or the permanent loss of the sense of being a separate self) is still many miles down the road so to speak.

The journey is by no means finished, but I have received signs from my guidance that I should finish part 1 of this online-book project here at this point.


At this point, I want to say a big thank you to all my dear readers who have followed my journey up to this point. I appreciate your views, likes, and comments.

I hope you got something out of my story for yourself. Maybe my sharing made you think about your own life’s journey. You could ponder the following questions, for example:

1.) Did you go through challenges?
And if yes, how did you cope?
What did you learn from it?

2.) Did you have worldview shifts along the way and what were they?
And what triggered these shifts?

3.) Do you feel guided, maybe by an inner urge or by nudges from beyond the veil to take your life into a new direction?
If yes, in what direction?
In what ways does guidance come to you?
How do you react to guidance? Are you cooperative? Or resistant? Or maybe impatiently rushing ahead faster than the river flows?

4.) If you had to explain your journey to someone else, would you choose a metaphor and if so what kind of metaphor?


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


18 thoughts on “Looking back

    1. Thanks for your kind comment.
      What comes next? I am planning a few posts about general topics of the spiritual journey. So, more insights, yes. But more stories, no, not so many.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It is a life long journey this wisdom making thing. And yes, the nudges can come from such disparate happenings to make you shake your head in thinking what direction should I take. But the main thing, eventually, was to just let it go and my higher self would guide me. Initially I ‘wanted’ to go here and there but that bit is important so that eventually when I did ‘let go’, it would flow much more smoothly.
    But like all else in life, we have to touch both sides to truly appreciate where we are by going everywhere else. I have many bruised knees and ego to prove it 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 😂 🤣

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I think we are all different, as in the beginning I did not know what to think of the ‘knowings’ of spirit that would come through. I was petrified of saying anything because at the times I did I was classified as weird and no one would talk to me. But that was a part of learning to believe in myself. As for the ‘signs’ of things, that didn’t happen as much for me but I knew to ‘look’ into them and find what meaning it had for me or others.
        Most of my counselings are done from ‘feeling’ their energy, as in they can say one thing but mean something different (as we all do 😀 ), so that I can truly help them and not just what they say. That too was a lesson in integrity and talking truthfully from my heart, not my ego (and wasn’t that a lesson and a half) 😂 🤣

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to the feeling of not speaking up because of not wanting to be seen as weird.

          How wonderful that you can feel energy and help people with this gift.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. And like all of life I had to ‘see and feel’ my heart truly first so that I could then help others. It is a very confronting journey that we do, but it is in going through them that our empathy and love comes to the fore in gifts in so many ways. And finally step onto our true path, the one that speaks with those gifts.
            Yes, we all stumble a lot, but what a teacher life is. Thank you for sharing your ‘life’, it will give guidance in many ways, simply because you have learned to stand in your truth ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

            Liked by 1 person

  2. My metaphor is a river, with tributaries which I have explored, but have always ended up flowing back out into the main current of the river. Because I have been opening to this new way of being for around 20 years, and because I came into the world quite open (and materialism never made sense), I haven’t had to fight to release old ideas or felt lost/unmoored from the old way of being. Life has certainly been difficult at times (whose isn’t?), but from presence there is the space and silence to allow the joys and the grief.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for commenting and sharing your experiences. I like the idea of tributaries. So, you are flowing with this new way of being for around 20 years already. That is a long time. Then you have already plenty of experience with being in the river.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. This was a beautiful culmination in describing your journey and methods. As usual, I feel flooded with I ideas relating to the process. Not sure where to begin with that sharing!
    I still want to read Bernadette Roberts book, and think this should be my next step. Thank you Karin, for your effort to open doors. I am grateful!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your kind comment, Kiora. Once your flood of ideas about your process has settled down, I’d be curious to hear more of what you think.
      I hope you get something out of Bernadette’s books. They are kind of not such an easy read, but for some reason I was drawn to read them again and again. Not sure why – it was as if I assumed that they contained a hidden key for me which might help me to understand the journey better.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing your journey. As to your questions at the end, challenges? Yes. Still very challenging every day at this point. Worldview shifts? Absolutely. I went from seeing life through the eyes of a human, to through the eyes of spirit, to through the eyes of a creator. Two distinct and separate “awakenings”. As to guidance, I look back and see that I’ve always been given guidance, but it’s very subtle and for much of my life I ignored it. These days I honor and listen to intuitive hints, nudges, pulls, and synchronicities. The metaphors that come to mind are the journey of a caterpillar into a butterfly and crucifixion and resurrection.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for sharing your experiences and your point of view on this. From following your blog, I know that you certainly had to go through massive challenges (and are still going through them). It is admirable how you managed to deal with all of what is going on in your life and came out stronger. Kudos!

      It is interesting that you mention that you have always been guided but that it was too subtle. I, too, wonder where the guidance and all the signs were in my life before waking up. I think I was guided mostly by inner nudges. Doing what gives me joy and what I was passionate about. If there were signs and synchronicities at all, I must have ignored them or not recognized them.
      Thanks also for sharing your ideas for metaphors.

      Liked by 1 person

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