Here is a story about my upset calming down and the universe taking care of things with divine timing.
This was a luxury problem. Really, I felt like I shouldn’t have been upset in the first place. But I was having an inner temper tantrum nevertheless.
Why? Because I was about to have to attend a day of enforced socializing with team members at work.
The planned team event and my resistance
The circumstances were benign. We would be allowed to take the time from an entire workday. There would be a generous budget to spend. And we could even choose for ourselves how we would like to spend the day as a team. Sounds wonderful, doesn‘t it.
But the downside was that -in contrast to the ususal company outings- this event was mandatory. Sort of. To make team members meet after the Corona break. Which I do understand. And in addition, this sort-of-mandatoriness wasn’t communicated clearly enough and not early enough.
Since I had to attend, I stated my conditions. The event had to take place outside to minimize the danger of getting COVID19 (as I got only one vaccination and am basically unvaccinated). And not farther away than my usual bike ride to work because I would not want to buy a public transport ticket. And during the workday, please, because I don’t want to spend my evenings for work events.
Among several options, the team chose to do archery combined with BBQ lunch. I thought that archery might be a bit too strenuous for my shoulder because of my rheumatoid arthritis. But never mind. I had agreed to participate and I would just sit at the side and watch, eat, and do chit-chat.
So, that sounded very generous from the company side and very nice of my coworkers to accomodate my conditions and like I should have been grateful.
But I was not.
I am an introvert. And the thought of having to spend not just lunch but at least half a day with small talk with team members put me off. My coworkers are really nice people. It’s just that I can only connect with two of them on a personal basis while for the rest I don’t know what to talk about. And with the two people I can connect with, I’d rather meet them one-on-one than in a group setting. And I‘d rather be by myself and get some work done than spend the day socializing.
So, my inner alarm, defensiveness, and resistance were on high alert. I was pissed that we would be expected to attend (even though similar events in earlier years had never been mandatory) and that the communication about that fact was unclear and not early enough.
And then I spent way too much time mentally with this planned event. Not only did I google different options of bike routes I could take and the public transport options as a backup, but I also spent hours reading about whether such events can be made mandatory in Germany at all, how other introverts felt about such situations, and how they dealt with them.
But since I had already agreed to participate, I figured that at some point it was probably best to come into a state of inner peace about it ( – this had always been proven to be good in the past – ) and just go and see what happens . Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad?
We tried to get an archery instructor for the only date where almost everyone had time. But last minute, it turned out that the archery organization could not find an instructor for us on that date. We would have to look for another date. Even though I had made peace in my mind with having to attend, I experienced a huge relief when I heard that this date was canceled.
Then the events took another unexpected turn. A day later, we were told that we were to rather save money and that also meant that the team event would be canceled for this year.
Even though I felt truly sorry for my colleagues and the team coordinator, for me, this cancelation due to spending cuts felt like a huge relief. I also felt gratitude and wonder about the ways of the universe. Isn’t it nice how things are taken care of?
And some funny synchronicities occurred: When I thought about sharing this story, Facebook brought up an ad about about a sculpture of a woman who did archery and the sculpture was made of willow branches. And when I looked at my spam comments in WordPress, one of the spam comments was by username “Crystal Bogenschutz”. “Bogenschutz” is very similar to the German translation for the English word “archer”.
But there were also some not so funny synchronicities. It was as if the topic of ‘cancellation’ showed up all around me. After the team event had been canceled, there were also other completely unrelated events in my environment which were canceled or shifted, too (like several trains and a funeral). I kept wondering whether that was just a coincidence or whether it showed that all is connected.
What was this about?
I am relieved that this is over for now, at least (- who knows what will happen next year…). But I am still wondering what this has been all about.
I know that I can get disproportionately triggered, angry, and stubborn whenever someone tries to force me to do something I don’t want to do. It doesn’t just happen with things related to work but it happened in general, for example, also with family members or the administration of our little town Walldorf. A psychic reading from a couple of years ago told me that this anger might be due to many past lives as a victim. Maybe that old wound came up again this time.
Or maybe it was about learning to trust more that things will work out once I make peace with them. The first cancellation happened after I had agreed to participate in the team event and after I had come to a state of acceptance and inner peace. And I have experienced this many times that the state of letting go and inner peace is what allows life to fold itself in such ways that things will change for the better.