Encouragements to keep writing

In October 2013,  I was regularly writing down my story, chapter by chapter, and sharing each new chapter with my accountability buddy.

But it wasn’t easy. Inside of me, there was still a lot of resistance and doubt. I often felt that I just could not do it. It was too hard.

The following stories illustrate the guidance I got which was designed to help me push through my doubts and my procrastination.

Mirroring pattern: I don’t have what it takes

In October 2013, during all of that inner complaining and whining that I just couldn’t do it, two events happened that made me think.

First, one of my sons said he lost his water bottle which he used at school.
‘How annoying, ‘ I thought. Oh well, we would have to buy a new one.
But then we checked his school bag and desk at home, and lo and behold, the water bottle was found.

Then my other son told me, ‘Mom, I lost my book for my German class.’
Here, same thing. We looked for it, searched, and found the book.

I saw a pattern. Were my kids mirroring me? Telling me, ‘I don’t have [what it takes]’ , but then they did have it? Was this mirroring my frequent whining that I don’t have what it takes?

Vision: A pep-talk by my spirit guide

On November 13, 2013, when I was sitting at my desk thinking whether I should write or procrastinate, the following inner vision and subsequent conversation happened in my mind.

My spirit guide Aaron appeared. I recognized his blonde curly hair, his bright blue, smiling eyes. He looked very upbeat as he stood in front of my desk, bent down, supporting himself with his arms on my desk.

So! What are you gonna do today?’ he asked me.

‘Procrastinate some more? Have coffee with you?’ I joked, speaking to him in my mind.
‘When will you go away? I’ve got to work,’ I added, slightly irritated by his visit.

Aaron didn’t move. He kept smiling at me.
Guess what . I’m not gonna move until you follow your calling.

Me: ‚Uh, oh, thanks.‘

The inner vision did not fade. He just kept sitting in my face. Friendly smile. And this glance that seemed to demand action. I thought I really had to write now.

I noticed that he was wearing something unusual. While he normally would appear to me with a grey t-shirt, on that day in the vision he wore a light-blue business shirt, but had both sleeves rolled up.

‘Aaron, you are wearing this shirt today. You look unusual, so business-like. Why?’

Yes, I have dressed up for you,’ he kept smiling at me. ‘Because I really mean business.

‘I must admit that I am so awed by these new mental images that I can hardly concentrate on writing.’

You want me to vanish?’ he asked.

‘No , I’m just blown away. This is new to me. This clarity of the vision in my mind.’

Will you write now?

Then I started to write and the vision faded.

Dream: stop doing the unimportant stuff

On the next day, I was busy with a lot of household chores. I managed to clean the windows, got a haircut, and bought a couple of Christmas gifts. I was very efficient and got many things done from my long to do list. I felt good about myself, content and proud of my efficiency and achievements.

But the night after that, I had dream where three different people were doing various things, and each time I said to them, “You don’t need to do that. It is unimportant.”

But in the last scene of the dream, I was repeatedly struggling and trying to put a pen or a screw through a hole of three layers of paper sheets, but it always kept slipping away.

The interpretation was clear. Even though I was preaching to others to others to stop doing unnecessary things, I did not walk my talk, but instead did unimportant things myself.

I wondered whether the dream was a reproach for my efficient getting-things-done spree from the day before. I was confused. Wasn’t I allowed or even supposed to play the role of a mom here on earth with all that it entails, Christmas shopping and cleaning and all?

But maybe spirit had other ideas about what was important. Maybe doing household chores and Christmas shopping was unimportant compared to writing the book? The dream seemed like a reprimand which said, ‘Get your priorities straight!

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A leap of faith

Dream: meet old friend

On October 16, 2013, I had the following dream. I was in Berlin close to my parents’ house and had planned to visit a friend from my childhood days. Let’s call her Lena. With my small backpack on my back, I was running across a street to catch the bus to her house.

But right in front of the bus there were a few monkeys running and jumping around.
I thought, ugh, monkeys – this would mean trouble. I was afraid that they might steal my backpack.

Should I enter the bus and drive to Lena as I had promised her? Or should I stay where I was and skip the meeting in order to avoid the encounter with the monkeys?

Before I got on the bus, I woke up.

Interpretation
I didn’t know what to make of it. Lena and I had had some infrequent contact during the last years. The last time I saw her, she told me that she often felt sad or depressive. So, I was aware that there was some emotional trouble going on in her life. But what did the dream mean?

A conversation with my guide

I sat down and with pen and paper, tried to calm my mind and to get into contact with the inner voice of guidance.

‘What did the dream about Lena mean?’ I asked silently in my mind and then became still and waited for an answer.

Contact her. She is in trouble,’ my guide replied. ‘And send her the material you have written.

‘What?!? No way! I cannot. I am not going to do that. I mean I do not know her so well that I would dare to share my weird, paranormal experiences with her. I don’t know whether she is open to such kind of woo-woo, world-view-shifting material. What if I overstep a boundary? What if she becomes angry with me or thinks I am nuts?’ I replied.

She is in trouble. Send her your unpublished material which you wrote for the forum,’ the inner voice reiterated. But he would not give me further explanations.

I was terrified and very hesitant.

‘And what about the monkeys in the dream? What did they mean?’

They represent your doubts.

Oookaay.

I had to take a deep breath and to make peace with this new challenge.
Just a few weeks earlier, I had found the resolve to share publicly and then found an accountability buddy for my writing endeavors, which was good to avoid procrastination, but left me feeling naked and vulnerable. But now, I should already share with someone I knew, but in whose case I still considered it risky to share?
Boy was this stretching me way beyond my comfort zone.

Earworms

For two days, I hesitated whether to send my friend the story about my anger, the burned out light bulbs, and ACIM forgiveness. But each time I hesitated, I heard a German children’s lullaby in my head (‘Schlaf, Kindlein, schlaf’. Which translates as: Sleep, baby, sleep). This seemed to say, if you don’t want to trust the inner voice, then stay asleep. On the other hand, when I thought, ‘ok, I’m gonna obey and send this,’ then the song in my head changed to a love song (Puccini’s ‘O mio babbino caro’). I took this as a sign that my spirit guide was very serious about this and that I was not making it up. How strange to have a divine radio station playing earworms in my head! But it could be a useful communication device at times.

A leap of faith

So, two days after the dream, on October 18, 2013, I sent a mail to my friend. At first only about A Course in Miracles (ACIM) and the ACIM-related book The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard which had helped me to understand what ACIM was about. And I told her that it had helped me to get out of a phase of anger in my life.

But that inner voice insisted, ‘Send her also your story about the anger and the burned out light bulbs.

Ok, so a bit later, I also sent her my unpublished text which I had initially written for an internet forum. I apologized at least three times, how stupid I felt that I wrote her just because of this dream and that I was not sure whether she needed it at all and I hoped she wasn’t angry with me and whether she could deal with ACIM as we had never talked about spirituality before .

I couldn’t believe that I actually did this!

Congratulations and confirmation

My guides gave me a vision of a path where many people were lined up on the right-hand side (while there was no one on the left side). As I was carried along that path by my guide, all these people were congratulating me to my decision to take this leap of faith. This vision moved me deeply. It was as if I was shown how many people there were on the spirit side who cared deeply about my spiritual path and my success.

As Lena confessed later, she was in an emotionally difficult phase during that time when I had the dream of the bus and the monkeys. And she had the same issue as I did with electric things going awry when she was emotionally off-balance! She let me know that my mail was like a gift from heaven to her.

OMG! I had no idea…..!

That day was a milestone in my journey regarding trust in the inner voice of my spirit guide.  It showed me that I did not make up what the inner voice told me but that it was some genuine, important information.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Losing the towel

Finding an accountability buddy for the book

After I had found the inner resolve to share and write, some help appeared in an unexpected form. On October 10, 2013, I sat together with a friend at work when she suddenly asked me, “What different stages of insight have you gone through in your life?”

I was baffled. Where did that come from?

But then I realized that this was a godsend, an opportunity. In July 2013, I had already opened up to her and told her about my experiences with anger and burned out light-bulbs, inner peace and miracles, and that we are more than our body. This topic was not completely new for her.

“I was nudged to write a book about it. And it would be helpful to have someone to whom I can send the single chapters I write,” I told her.

With anticipation, I looked at her and tried to determine her reaction. Would she be open enough for my request?

“It would motivate me if I knew you would read this as I write it. Would that be okay for you?”

Because I was aware of my tendency to give in to fear and procrastinate, I needed someone who would act as an accountability buddy or a midwife for the book.

Luckily, she agreed and I was very grateful for that.

Then, I sent her the draft which I had written for an internet forum but never published. And later, I started to write chapters of the book regularly and send them to her.

Now I knew I had to write. I was hopeful that then the heavy feeling of guilt because of being not in alignment with my guidance would lift.

Dream: Feed your brother

On October 9, 2013, I dreamed that I was in my former high school at a festival. There were many people around and many exhibitions in the various classrooms.

In the crowd, I was looking for my brother and finally found him on the top floor in the music room.

I knew he was hungry and since it was a long day ahead, I offered him some pizza and fruit. At first, he did not want to eat it. But he admitted that he was hungry, and so I served him the food.

Interpretation
Feed your brother. Sharing my experiences and insights on my path with a fellow traveler (‘brother’) was like giving them food for the soul. Giving other people food would often used in my dreams later as a metaphor for nourishing others spiritually.

In my journal, I wrote that I felt so full inside that I felt like a dammed lake shortly before the dam was about to burst.

Losing the towel

I noticed something odd. During the last days, both of my kids had lost their towels during their swimming lessons at school. Both events happened shortly after another and independently of each other.

When something like this happens where I see a pattern, then I ask myself whether it contains a message.

What did it mean?

To throw in the towel, i.e. to give up? I pondered. No, that didn’t fit.

‘Losing the towel’ was no idiom, neither in German nor in English. So, what was I to make of it?

When I searched the internet for ‘losing the towel’, I came upon several youtube videos where people at home were wrapped only in a towel when the pizza delivery service rang the doorbell.

The people opened the door and then unfortunately lost their towels and stood there naked in front of the pizza delivery man…. Very embarrassing.

Yes. That was what the pattern of lost towels pointed to. It was how I felt after opening up and sharing my entire story with my friend at work. Totally naked, vulnerable, and embarrassed.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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‘Write that book! You are late’

So, the breathing issues had improved. But my guidance would not let go of their original request.

On September 28, 2013, I was in a very relaxed mood, sitting on my sofa, and enjoying a book with a Jesus channeling when I read a paragraph where it was suggested that we should ask God, ‘Father, what would you have me do?

I thought, good question, I would ask that. After that, I became still and waited for the answer.

Write that book! You are late.’ appeared in my mind like a thought or like a silently spoken phrase.

It ‘sounded’ like these were my own thoughts. But they weren’t. It would be more accurate to describe them as thoughts in my mind which I did not think.

I was baffled. Was it from spirit? I couldn’t tell. I thought, well, if this was from my spirit guides, then I was sure that they would find a way to contact me again to make their point clear.

And they did.

About two hours later, when I sat down on my sofa again, the back of my head slammed against the wall. Just accidentally. There was no special external reason for it.

Ouch!

This had never happened before and also did not happen any time afterwards. It was like a slap on the head. I interpreted is as a sign that the order to ‘write that book’ was not from my imagination, but that it was really from my spirit guide.

In retrospect, I was now able to make sense of all the signs I had received up to that day. The dreams about my procrastination, the dream about the feather in the throat, the breathing trouble in the throat, and now finally the clear order by the inner voice accompanied by the firm slap on the back of my head.

Duh! It all seemed so obvious now.

That sentence ‘Write that book! You are late!’ together with the slap on the head end of September 2013 was a turning point on my journey. Afterwards, I yielded and said, okay, I will write.

***

In the metaphor of the hike, I was on the downhill part strand B of my journey which was about guidance and sharing. This ran in parallel to the other downhill part , strand A, which was about integration. After I had lingered for a while at the riverside, running in circles and getting nowhere, my spirit guide had given me a push so that I entered the river which would hopefully take me to my destination.

downhill_partB_1

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Guilt comes up

End of August and beginning of September 2013, around the time when I was treated by the spiritual healer, I hit the guilt layer full force.

According to A Course in Miracles which I had read a couple of years ago, there was first the thought of separation, and that created the thought of guilt. Which in turn created fear.  Which in turn created the universe which features the illusion of separateness of things in time and space. (That’s the root-cause analysis of the human condition in a nutshell according to ACIM and The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard).

In Gary Renard’s book, it was explained that the underlying guilt is unconscious. When I read that, I thought, ‘Guilt? What guilt? I feel like the most innocent person on the planet. After all, I am always making sure that I keep my promises and that I don’t harm anyone.’

Yes …- but the guilt was  unconscious. And therefore I didn’t notice it.

Hitting the guilt layer

It took only a tiny event – I just misbehaved slightly – to make that guilt come up. The tiny triggering event was that I interrupted someone at lunch in mid-sentence. Okay, I that was impolite.

But then, all of a sudden, I didn’t feel guilty just for my slightly impolite misbehavior, but for everything. Oh my God, how could I have been so stupid to assume that I am separate from God? How come I was hooked by that tiny mad idea of separation and had run off into an incarnation with all its physical pain? How come I was so stupid that I had agreed to forget that I was spirit?

And on top of that, I felt guilty because I was so disobedient and didn’t share my story because of fear even though I had been told to.

I was sooo sorry, so full of regret. It gave me a stomach ache.

The feeling of reverence towards the divine was mixed with guilt and remorse and resulted in a new feeling state which was formerly unknown to me.

Even though I did know intellectually that separation had never occurred and therefore guilt was not real, the feeling of guilt in the body was still there. And it was extremely uncomfortable. Since it is so difficult to convey the heaviness of the feeling, I give an example. Imagine how awful you would feel if you just discovered that you had killed your beloved child accidentally with your car in your parking lot. That is how awful it felt for me. It manifested as a strong pain and nausea in the stomach, a pain in the heart and head.

Now I understood why that guilt had become unconscious. It was because it was such an awful feeling that we swiftly invented new layers in order to cover it up. I could witness this in myself.  Together with this guilt the desire for punishment arose. If only I could be punished then my slate would be wiped clean and I wouldn’t have to live with this horrible guilt any longer.

All of a sudden, I could understand why some Christian monks used self-flagellation. Maybe they thought they could trade the horrible emotional pain of guilt with physical pain.

Of course, I understood intellectually that guilt is unreal and therefore punishment is never justified, but my ego would insist on punishment just to get rid of this awful feeling. Silly, isn’t it?

I also pondered how much of my striving for perfection in my life was meant to cover up this feeling of guilt. All this achieving of good grades, striving to not make mistakes and making sure that I act responsibly and always keep my promises. Did I secretly hope that never breaking a promise and never making a mistake in an exam would help me not feel guilty?

Was this the reason for my self-reliance? If I had asked someone for a favor I would have felt guilty because then I owe them something. Maybe this was because  in German we have the same word for debt and guilt – which is ‘Schuld’.

If I didn’t find the right homeopathic remedy for my children, I felt guilty. The responsibility for the health of another person was too much of a weight for me.

I didn’t like to drive a car. I could do it if I had to, but I found it stressful. Was this due to the assumption that if I made a mistake I would be guilty of harming someone else’s life?

And what about the fear of freely expressing my view even if it went against the social norms? It seemed like much of my life so far had been fueled by trying to avoid guilt.

But I was so deeply enmeshed in these feelings that I started to manifest events only a week later. One night I was in bed, feeling horribly guilty and sorry and desiring punishment as a relief. Guess, what happened! All of a sudden, a thunderstorm came, with its center directly above us. Thunder and lightning at the same time. Afterwards, a lot of rain poured down. That was like a metaphor for the divine stern lecture that I had wished for followed by washing off of my sins. Okay, thanks, that was another lesson in ‘you get what you wish for’.

I was overwhelmed by these new emotions. Anger was something I had become used to. That is, I knew how to watch it without suppressing it and without engaging in it either. But guilt and the wish for punishment were totally new to me. As so often on this journey, I was wondering again, ‘Am I still on the right path? Is this normal?’

Communication by patterns: the lid is off

However, the universe found a way to communicate to me that everything is fine. Within one week, two events with a metaphorical meaning occurred. At first, I put a bottle of orange juice into the fridge, but I had to lie it down since there was not enough space in the door of the fridge. Apparently, the lid was not properly closed and all the juice started to drip out slowly  and make a mess in the fridge after a day or so. I cleaned it up, not thinking much about why that had happened.

But then something similar happened. I started brewing coffee with a filter machine. And apparently, I hadn’t closed the lid properly, so the coffee didn’t flow out through the bottom of the filter, but instead the filter would fill up and the coffee would spill out over the top. And make a mess. My husband cleaned it up and told me to close the lid next time.

How strange.

But I had learned to interpret the language of the universe. And this was a communication attempt by a reoccurring pattern. ‘If the lid is off, things start flowing.’ Ok, that makes sense. Thanks for the mess(age). Apparently, the lid from the unconscious guilt had been removed – maybe by the healing session? – and now thing started to flow out.

I think the recent dream about the stolen green labels and the feeling of guilt in that dream had paved the way for this tremendous feeling of guilt.

Suppressed emotions need to become conscious, be felt and acknowledged,  and then we can let them go. That is the way it happens with suppressed stuff. Similar to how it is not useful to put a band-aid around a wound with a splinter in it. It will suppurate. So, first the band-aid must come off. Then the splinter can be removed and the pus will flow out. The process is not blissful and does not look pretty. But only afterwards the wound can heal.

Layers of emotions

I realized that there were layers of emotions. Below the anger about unfair treatment at work, there was not only sadness, but also fear, and then guilt. Amazing! Even though guilt, desire for punishment, and fear are very uncomfortable emotions, I was glad at the same time that I got the chance to trace them back and to witness it all consciously. Like a scientist watches an experiment, or like I would watch my physical reactions after taking a new homeopathic remedy, I watched these unfamiliar emotions, noticed the thoughts, and noticed the areas in the body that would tense up as a consequence of the thoughts.

Guilt as a tool for guidance

I mention the guilt topic  here in the downhill part of my journey which is about guidance and sharing because now I also started to feel very guilty about the fact that I did not obey guidance and did not share my story publicly.

I had managed to suppress this uncomfortable feeling, but it only resulted in physical issues in the throat chakra area. But now after the recent healing session of my breathing issues, I felt the guilt full force.

After all previous nudges and warnings and the breathing trouble had not helped, I think that the feeling of guilt was another way for my guides to get a foot in the door, so to speak. Maybe I would be more willing to comply now in order to get rid of this awful feeling.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A healing session

The breathing issues in my throat were still bothering me a lot. Often I could not sleep properly at night because I feared that I would suffocate if I relaxed too deeply. And no homeopathic remedy seemed to help.

On July 18, 2013, I met with my homeopath. She agreed that homeopathic remedies did not seem to help here anymore and that she would now recommend that I go to a certain spiritual healer.

Breathing issues and surrender

On July 23, 2013 , I was lying in bed and could not breathe properly. The issues were aggravated after strong bouts of anger again, and now I could not sleep. Breathing out fully was not possible because then the inbreath would become too difficult.

After struggling with the breathing for a while, I gave up and thought, ‘Okay, God, I give up. You have to breathe me.’

To my amazement, the breathing became easier after this act of mental surrender and asking for help.

Dream: grandma takes me to the healer

Then I dreamed that I met my deceased grandmother and she took me on a train ride to the healer which had been recommended by my homeopath.

I interpreted that as a message that I was urged by spirit to go to that healer. I did not want to travel there by train, but fortunately, he offered remote healing sessions. That was okay for me and I made an appointment.

An amazing remote healing session

On August 29, 2013, I finally had the remote healing session.
I lay down in my bed at the appointed time and tried to meditate and relax. Then the healing session started.

The first thing I noticed was that all the way through the half-hour session, my neighbor gave a singing performance of opera music. She has a beautiful soprano voice,  but it was quite loud and earplugs didn’t help. I wanted the noise to stop so that I could meditate better, but I didn’t succeed.

Eventually, I accepted the situation and started to wonder what this synchronicity was about. Maybe it was because the healer (Aldo Berti) had been an opera singer before he followed his calling and started a healing business? Or maybe it was showing me that this session was about the throat chakra and raising one’s voice? Even though I wasn’t sure what to make of it, I was able to calm down and relax.

I tuned into my body and observed all the physical sensations. At first, I felt a knocking sensation at the left side of my ribcage. Then I felt something like a stream of light or vibration flowing down from the top to the bottom which resulted in giving me warm hands and feet.

Afterwards, I felt a knocking sensation at the back of my spine around where the navel chakra is located. Then in an inner vision, I saw my third chakra spinning counter clockwise in the colors yellow, orange, and bright red. I wondered what the color ‘red’ meant regarding that chakra. I thought it was supposed to be yellow according to the texts I had read about it. Was it my anger, maybe? That was the first time that I had felt any of my chakras.

After the amazing chakra vision, I felt a hammering sensation on my head. It started to become uncomfortable, even painful. What was was this guy doing? It felt as if he was attempting to open my skull with hammer and chisel.

At the end of the session, I felt a stitching sensation at the left side of my chest.

Afterwards, I was totally exhausted. I had expected to feel very relaxed and refreshed after this half-hour session. But, no, I was exhausted and went to bed early that evening. During the following night, I had three dreams with the subject of communication and setting boundaries.

The amazing thing about the healer session was not only that I could physically feel something even though it was a remote healing session. I was also surprised and grateful that it helped my breathing issues.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Further instructions and the check mark sign

After the stern warning with the feather in the throat had become manifest as breathing issues, I was given further instructions.

Dream: contact guides

On June 7, 2013, I had the following dream. I was sitting in amphitheater and behind me on the left side, there was my former chemistry teacher Mrs. Steinke who had already passed a couple of years ago. I liked her a lot when I was at school. Sometimes she visits me  when I need encouragement, and I am always so happy to meet her in my dreams.

All the people in the amphitheater were given instructions that we should contact our guides and then we should begin to sing a tone in the same pitch. It was clear to me that my former chemistry teacher was the guide I should contact.

But even though I felt so happy to meet Mrs. Steinke again, I did not comply. Instead I took out my cell phone and thought, ‘They want us to contact our guides? Very well, here we go, I will call Mrs. Steinke from my phone.’ even though she sat right behind me. It was an attempt to cheekily play a round of hide-and-seek again.

I woke up, very happy about having met my former  teacher, but with breathing trouble in my throat again. And this time no homeopathic remedy would help.

Dream: be transparent

On July 9, 2013, I dreamed that I wanted to learn to see fairies and elves. In my vacation apartment, I was hosting an event with a bunch of people where a woman was invited who could see fairies. With much anticipation and excitement, I waited for this woman. Would she teach me how to see fairies?

Then, an old lady came in ( – but she was not the one who could see fairies – ) and told me that I should dress myself in light turquoise transparent dungarees with frills at the top. She also requested that I wear only that and no underwear.

I was uncomfortable with that suggestion. The fabric was very thin and see-through. But I gave in.

The woman who could see fairies still had not arrived. But now, many people came in and the room was full.

I sat across from another woman and thought maybe she could read my aura. But she didn’t. Instead, she gave me a slip of paper. It said that I should write down my full name, email, and my address. And then I should tell all the people in the room what I had experienced on my spiritual journey.

I was appalled by that suggestion. I did not want to tell people my story in connection with my real name. My privacy was sacred to me.

Then I woke up.

Interpretation
The light turquoise pointed to the throat chakra which is about communication. I was invited to communicate and to be very transparent (just like the fabric of the transparent dungarees).
This dream contained very clear guidance about how I was supposed to continue. To come out of hiding with my full name and address and tell what I had experienced.
But I resisted. That was way out of my comfort zone. I felt too vulnerable.

On one hand, I was secretly dreaming of sharing more and writing about all the incredible stories I had experienced on my journey. But on the other hand, it still felt too early and premature, too vulnerable, too dangerous.

The check mark sign

Part of the reason that I was hesitant to share my story was that I wasn’t really sure that I had really grokked that I am awareness and that I am in a different dimension compared to the visible world, at the same time surrounding it as well as permeating it. Everything in everyday life still looked so normal, except that the sense of the silent observer in me was more present. Was that enough? How could I dare to speak up and write what I had experienced?

In the Eastern traditions, spiritual students usually had their guru who would confirm to them that they ‘got it’. And it was usually only after that confirmation (AND after an additional integration period of about 10 years) that they would dare to write and share. But I was on my own and had no guru, except for my spirit guides, that is.

But on one day in July 2013, in the middle of this arduous pondering and doubting, I stared at the bathroom door in our house and was amazed by what I saw.

Just in front of my eyes, in the middle of the door, there was a tiny green checkmark. It was a piece of the fabric of a green plastic net which was used for packaging zucchini in the supermarket. In German, we use the verb ‘to check’ also as a synonym for ‘to understand something’. I assumed that some invisible power behind the scenes had placed that tiny piece there in front of my eyes to let me know that I had indeed understood that I am awareness.

I wondered how this piece of plastic got to the door and admired the abilities of my guides to communicate with me. This confirmation gave me a new sense of peace. But I still wasn’t willing to go ahead and share more publicly.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Throat chakra issues

Dream: a feather in the throat

After my resistance to share my spiritual journey and some admonishment in dreams,  I was given a warning. In a dream on February 26, 2013, I saw a transparent model of a throat. And in there was a tiny blue feather tickling the throat.

Were my guides going to tickle my throat until I would finally give in and post my text? That prospect should cause me some concern. But I didn’t have any health issues in my throat at that time and dismissed the warning.

But then I got the following dreams that were also warnings.

Dream: the violent dance teacher

On May 10, 2013, I dreamed that I talked to a dance teacher. He told me that he believed in violent teaching and education methods.

I felt deterred when he said that, and I thought about whether I should better flee and get away from him.

In the dream, I was drinking from a cup of tea with loose peppermint leaves in it. It tasted disgustingly bitter.

Interpretation

The next day, I remembered the dream. I also happened to make cup of green tea for myself – with loose tea leaves in it (which was unusual as I normally use tea bags). And because I took to much of the tea leaves, it tasted horribly bitter – just like the tea in the dream.

I used to dance a lot and passionately when I was younger (ballroom as well as latin in competition). And when dancing comes up in my dreams in the context of the spiritual journey, it usually means communicating and sharing my stuff and also letting myself be guided (just as I would let myself be guided when I was on the dance floor).

I think this was a guide who warned me that I would be pushed violently if I didn’t obey.

The bitter tea was an allusion to bitter medicine. And what a synchronicity that I made a bitter tea in waking life the next day! I think it was meant to make the recall of the dream easier and also to underline its message.

Dream: guilt after stealing labels

On May 29, 2013, I dreamed that I was in a shop and stole a bunch of neon-green freezer labels. Afterwards, I felt a terrible sense of guilt. Expecting a penalty, I wanted to flee and hide what I had done.

I needed the green labels for a Christmas gift. Then, at Christmas, a woman came and signed the gift. Somehow, I felt calmed and assured that I would not get a penalty for stealing the labels after all.

After that, I dreamed that a mixture of milk and blood were pouring out from a big hole in the middle of my chest.

Interpretation:

I wasn’t sure what to make of the color neon-green and the hole in my chest. Did the combination of these point to the heart chakra?

But the feeling of guilt was significant and more easily to interpret. I used to feel like an innocent person. I did not feel guilt usually. But that dream changed the situation. After this dream, a lot guilt came up. Not only the guilt in the dream about stealing, but also long forgotten guilt about little forbidden things I had done as a child, like plucking flowers from some random front yard.

At that time, I did not connect the guilt to my resistance to the guidance I got that I should share. But in retrospect I think that it was connected. This dream prepared the way for the feeling of guilt to come up full force later during that year. And I think that I was supposed to feel that way for being disobedient and not following guidance.

Breathing issues

It was only shortly after the dream with the labels that I got breathing issues. I had been angry again about the unfair situation at work, so angry that I got a feeling of swelling and constriction in my throat and could not breathe properly. This time, I was able to heal it with a homeopathic remedy. But the breathing issues would occur again later, and then no remedy would help.

The dream from about three months ago  with the feather tickling in the throat had obviously been a warning that this sort of trouble would occur. Because I resisted expressing myself, my body reacted with issues in the throat chakra area.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Admonishing dreams

A couple of weeks after I had written the text about my spiritual journey, in January 2013, I did not want to post it anymore in the online forum for which I had intended it. I just felt exhausted after the usual Christmas busyness and there was no motivation in me to share the text I had written so elaborately before. It would sit in my drawer forever. And I was fine with that. The writing would have been merely for myself for therapeutical reasons. To become clear about everything that had happened, to make sense of the course of my life and to find peace with it.

I could not really pinpoint what exactly my fears were of posting it. On one hand, I felt the urge to share what I had experienced. But more during one-on-one lunches with open-minded friends and not publicly on the internet.

Could I really be sure about all the signs and synchronicities? Or was it maybe just coincidence? I would have liked to gather a few more years of experience to have a more reliable database so to speak so that I could really be sure that I did not make these things up. I came from a scientific background and my worldview had shifted so much that I had a hard time really being sure that there was more to life than the visible world of form and what can be scientifically observed. I was afraid of criticism from the materialists. If anyone of them attacked me, I wondered, would I be able to defend my point of view?

On the other hand, I thought about the potential reaction of other spiritual seekers on the path. Had I come already far enough to feel entitled to share? Did I have something important to say at all? Wasn’t there this proverb from the Tao that said ‘Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know.’ ?

So far, I had almost only read stories of people who had become enlightened and then would share their stories, after a proper integration period of about 10 years, that is. But I wasn’t enlightened. So how could I claim the right to tell my story? Wouldn’t it be presumptuous to share this material prematurely? What if the desire to share was just a clever trick of my ego to gain attention?

But it wasn’t only fears which kept me back. The sense of urgency and mission that I had felt before when I thought that I wanted to shout from the rooftops that God is everywhere suddenly had vanished.

And on and on I doubted and pondered. Until I felt nothing but apathy and a general sense of ‘why bother?’.

But my guidance would not let me off the hook and bluntly gave me their opinion in the following dreams.

Dream: ballet rehearsal

On January 18, 2013, I dreamed that I was going to a trial lesson of a ballet rehearsal. I had already bought and put on a beautiful ballet dress. But I did not participate. I just sat at the side on a bench watching how gracefully the other dancers moved their bodies.

The message was clear to me. Why did I just sit on the sidelines watching even though I had already dressed up? Why wasn’t I going to participate in the online forum with my text?

Dream: procrastinating

On February 2nd, 2013, I dreamed that I went into a house. Carrying a bunch of paperwork, I told some friends that they should wait outside. I just needed to get a few things done quickly and then I would be back soon.

But once inside the house, I got sidetracked. There were 5 calls on the answering machine, but I did not listen to them. Instead, I found chocolate in various forms and indulged in it. Hot chocolate and chocolate ice cream. I drank so much hot chocolate that I felt nauseous.  But while I indulged in the sweets, my friends outside were waiting for me.

The interpretation was clear again. This was mirroring my situation regarding the sharing of my text. I did not listen to the calls, indulged in sweet distractions, and kept my friends waiting.

I understood the stern reproach. But that did not change my sense of apathy.

Dream: choir, poorly prepared

On February 19, 2013, I dreamed that I participated in a rehearsal session of a choir for a festive event. We rehearsed and tried to sing the songs, but it didn’t work. We could not find the sheet music. The music which was playing in my mind was an instrumental version of Hark! The herald angels sing.

On awakening, I understood that it described my situation. I should sing for a big awakening event in the world, but I was poorly prepared for it and wouldn’t succeed if I kept procrastinating like this.

Nothing matters?

The next day, I was deep in apathy again and thought, ‘Nothing matters. Why bother?’ But the inner voice replied, ‘Yes, no-thing is really mattering, meaning that the void is appearing as matter. Isn’t that great?

Even though I was partly in awe of this wisdom, I also felt kind of pissed at this smartass inner voice that wanted to pull me out of my apathy.

The three dreams described above should have been enough of a reproach and a call to action. But I just registered their message and thought that I still did not feel the inner urge to post my text to the forum.

And therefore I would not do it.

I felt justified in my non-action and fine with that because earlier in my life  I was used to doing only things which I felt the inner urge to do (- at least, for stuff which I did in my leisure time). For example, when I felt the inner urge to do a lot of competitive ballroom dancing or to learn a lot about homeopathy, then I did that. I took a deep dive and followed my passions. Of course.

But here, posting something without feeling the inner urge to do so – why should I do it? Having some inner or outer voice tell me what to do did not replace the felt intrinsic urge or passion.

But my guidance would not let me off the hook that easily.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Should I write? Tarot

While the previous posts  were about the integration phase of my awakening,  the following posts are about the guidance I got that I should share my spiritual journey. I write about gentle nudges and not so gentle kicks by my guides, and about my doubts, resistance, and surrender.

I think about this part of the journey as going downhill in a river. When I resisted, then I was like staying on the river bank, procrastinating and feeling safe. But eventually, it became clear to me that I was just running in circles at the river bank, returning over and over again to the decision fork in the road which would ask me every time, “Do you want to follow the river or do you want to resist?” And also life on the river bank became too painful because there were consequences to resisting the guidance. Eventually, I surrendered to the river – but only to get out at the next point when my comfort zone was challenged too much.

Should I write? Tarot

On November 5, 2012, I sat in front of my computer screen, looked at the online tarot and focused on my question.

Should I write a book about my spiritual journey or not?

I had never used tarot cards before, but when one of my kids wanted to buy a deck of tarot cards, I thought I’d give it a try.

I drew 7 cards which would show me what to expect when I would write and what to expect if I would not write. After the results showed up, I eagerly read the explanation of every card.

I was shown that the background of my urge to write a book was that there needed to be a storm that would clear the air.

I could relate to that. After what I had experienced at work, I probably needed a pressure valve to let it all out.

One card said that I needed to be vulnerable. And the sooner I could do that, the less I would have to suffer.

Another told me that my endless pondering and doubting of whether I should write or not was bordering on the pathological.

Whew! That blew me away. Such a blunt statement felt like a slap in the face.

There were other cards that told me if I would not write, then I would focus all my attention and energy towards my job in the corporate world.

Writing and doubts

I was amazed by the accuracy of the tarot and pondered these choices. And then, three weeks later, I sat down and wrote a candid text about my journey which I intended to post in an online forum. Basically, it was a short version of what you can read here on my blog (https://karinfinger.wordpress.com/my-journey/)

I wrote about homeopathy, spirituality and my changed worldview. About anger and burned out light bulbs. And about forgiveness, inner peace and miracles. About the destruction of the false sense of self on the trajectory of the spiritual journey. And I wrote about guidance, resistance and surrender.

I wrote everything into one single posting. Afterwards, I even corrected all the typos and tried to make sure that all the commas were in the right places.

But then, I put the file in my drawer and procrastinated. Should I really post this? I was planning to do it anonymously, of course.  But doubts had crept in and I wasn’t comfortable even with that. Too early, too dangerous, too whatever.

But the universe had other plans.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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