Further instructions and the check mark sign

After the stern warning with the feather in the throat had become manifest as breathing issues, I was given further instructions.

Dream: contact guides

On June 7, 2013, I had the following dream. I was sitting in amphitheater and behind me on the left side, there was my former chemistry teacher Mrs. Steinke who had already passed a couple of years ago. I liked her a lot when I was at school. Sometimes she visits me  when I need encouragement, and I am always so happy to meet her in my dreams.

All the people in the amphitheater were given instructions that we should contact our guides and then we should begin to sing a tone in the same pitch. It was clear to me that my former chemistry teacher was the guide I should contact.

But even though I felt so happy to meet Mrs. Steinke again, I did not comply. Instead I took out my cell phone and thought, ‘They want us to contact our guides? Very well, here we go, I will call Mrs. Steinke from my phone.’ even though she sat right behind me. It was an attempt to cheekily play a round of hide-and-seek again.

I woke up, very happy about having met my former  teacher, but with breathing trouble in my throat again. And this time no homeopathic remedy would help.

Dream: be transparent

On July 9, 2013, I dreamed that I wanted to learn to see fairies and elves. In my vacation apartment, I was hosting an event with a bunch of people where a woman was invited who could see fairies. With much anticipation and excitement, I waited for this woman. Would she teach me how to see fairies?

Then, an old lady came in ( – but she was not the one who could see fairies – ) and told me that I should dress myself in light turquoise transparent dungarees with frills at the top. She also requested that I wear only that and no underwear.

I was uncomfortable with that suggestion. The fabric was very thin and see-through. But I gave in.

The woman who could see fairies still had not arrived. But now, many people came in and the room was full.

I sat across from another woman and thought maybe she could read my aura. But she didn’t. Instead, she gave me a slip of paper. It said that I should write down my full name, email, and my address. And then I should tell all the people in the room what I had experienced on my spiritual journey.

I was appalled by that suggestion. I did not want to tell people my story in connection with my real name. My privacy was sacred to me.

Then I woke up.

Interpretation
The light turquoise pointed to the throat chakra which is about communication. I was invited to communicate and to be very transparent (just like the fabric of the transparent dungarees).
This dream contained very clear guidance about how I was supposed to continue. To come out of hiding with my full name and address and tell what I had experienced.
But I resisted. That was way out of my comfort zone. I felt too vulnerable.

On one hand, I was secretly dreaming of sharing more and writing about all the incredible stories I had experienced on my journey. But on the other hand, it still felt too early and premature, too vulnerable, too dangerous.

The check mark sign

Part of the reason that I was hesitant to share my story was that I wasn’t really sure that I had really grokked that I am awareness and that I am in a different dimension compared to the visible world, at the same time surrounding it as well as permeating it. Everything in everyday life still looked so normal, except that the sense of the silent observer in me was more present. Was that enough? How could I dare to speak up and write what I had experienced?

In the Eastern traditions, spiritual students usually had their guru who would confirm to them that they ‘got it’. And it was usually only after that confirmation (AND after an additional integration period of about 10 years) that they would dare to write and share. But I was on my own and had no guru, except for my spirit guides, that is.

But on one day in July 2013, in the middle of this arduous pondering and doubting, I stared at the bathroom door in our house and was amazed by what I saw.

Just in front of my eyes, in the middle of the door, there was a tiny green checkmark. It was a piece of the fabric of a green plastic net which was used for packaging zucchini in the supermarket. In German, we use the verb ‘to check’ also as a synonym for ‘to understand something’. I assumed that some invisible power behind the scenes had placed that tiny piece there in front of my eyes to let me know that I had indeed understood that I am awareness.

I wondered how this piece of plastic got to the door and admired the abilities of my guides to communicate with me. This confirmation gave me a new sense of peace. But I still wasn’t willing to go ahead and share more publicly.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Throat chakra issues

Dream: a feather in the throat

After my resistance to share my spiritual journey and some admonishment in dreams,  I was given a warning. In a dream on February 26, 2013, I saw a transparent model of a throat. And in there was a tiny blue feather tickling the throat.

Were my guides going to tickle my throat until I would finally give in and post my text? That prospect should cause me some concern. But I didn’t have any health issues in my throat at that time and dismissed the warning.

But then I got the following dreams that were also warnings.

Dream: the violent dance teacher

On May 10, 2013, I dreamed that I talked to a dance teacher. He told me that he believed in violent teaching and education methods.

I felt deterred when he said that, and I thought about whether I should better flee and get away from him.

In the dream, I was drinking from a cup of tea with loose peppermint leaves in it. It tasted disgustingly bitter.

Interpretation

The next day, I remembered the dream. I also happened to make cup of green tea for myself – with loose tea leaves in it (which was unusual as I normally use tea bags). And because I took to much of the tea leaves, it tasted horribly bitter – just like the tea in the dream.

I used to dance a lot and passionately when I was younger (ballroom as well as latin in competition). And when dancing comes up in my dreams in the context of the spiritual journey, it usually means communicating and sharing my stuff and also letting myself be guided (just as I would let myself be guided when I was on the dance floor).

I think this was a guide who warned me that I would be pushed violently if I didn’t obey.

The bitter tea was an allusion to bitter medicine. And what a synchronicity that I made a bitter tea in waking life the next day! I think it was meant to make the recall of the dream easier and also to underline its message.

Dream: guilt after stealing labels

On May 29, 2013, I dreamed that I was in a shop and stole a bunch of neon-green freezer labels. Afterwards, I felt a terrible sense of guilt. Expecting a penalty, I wanted to flee and hide what I had done.

I needed the green labels for a Christmas gift. Then, at Christmas, a woman came and signed the gift. Somehow, I felt calmed and assured that I would not get a penalty for stealing the labels after all.

After that, I dreamed that a mixture of milk and blood were pouring out from a big hole in the middle of my chest.

Interpretation:

I wasn’t sure what to make of the color neon-green and the hole in my chest. Did the combination of these point to the heart chakra?

But the feeling of guilt was significant and more easily to interpret. I used to feel like an innocent person. I did not feel guilt usually. But that dream changed the situation. After this dream, a lot guilt came up. Not only the guilt in the dream about stealing, but also long forgotten guilt about little forbidden things I had done as a child, like plucking flowers from some random front yard.

At that time, I did not connect the guilt to my resistance to the guidance I got that I should share. But in retrospect I think that it was connected. This dream prepared the way for the feeling of guilt to come up full force later during that year. And I think that I was supposed to feel that way for being disobedient and not following guidance.

Breathing issues

It was only shortly after the dream with the labels that I got breathing issues. I had been angry again about the unfair situation at work, so angry that I got a feeling of swelling and constriction in my throat and could not breathe properly. This time, I was able to heal it with a homeopathic remedy. But the breathing issues would occur again later, and then no remedy would help.

The dream from about three months ago  with the feather tickling in the throat had obviously been a warning that this sort of trouble would occur. Because I resisted expressing myself, my body reacted with issues in the throat chakra area.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Admonishing dreams

A couple of weeks after I had written the text about my spiritual journey, in January 2013, I did not want to post it anymore in the online forum for which I had intended it. I just felt exhausted after the usual Christmas busyness and there was no motivation in me to share the text I had written so elaborately before. It would sit in my drawer forever. And I was fine with that. The writing would have been merely for myself for therapeutical reasons. To become clear about everything that had happened, to make sense of the course of my life and to find peace with it.

I could not really pinpoint what exactly my fears were of posting it. On one hand, I felt the urge to share what I had experienced. But more during one-on-one lunches with open-minded friends and not publicly on the internet.

Could I really be sure about all the signs and synchronicities? Or was it maybe just coincidence? I would have liked to gather a few more years of experience to have a more reliable database so to speak so that I could really be sure that I did not make these things up. I came from a scientific background and my worldview had shifted so much that I had a hard time really being sure that there was more to life than the visible world of form and what can be scientifically observed. I was afraid of criticism from the materialists. If anyone of them attacked me, I wondered, would I be able to defend my point of view?

On the other hand, I thought about the potential reaction of other spiritual seekers on the path. Had I come already far enough to feel entitled to share? Did I have something important to say at all? Wasn’t there this proverb from the Tao that said ‘Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know.’ ?

So far, I had almost only read stories of people who had become enlightened and then would share their stories, after a proper integration period of about 10 years, that is. But I wasn’t enlightened. So how could I claim the right to tell my story? Wouldn’t it be presumptuous to share this material prematurely? What if the desire to share was just a clever trick of my ego to gain attention?

But it wasn’t only fears which kept me back. The sense of urgency and mission that I had felt before when I thought that I wanted to shout from the rooftops that God is everywhere suddenly had vanished.

And on and on I doubted and pondered. Until I felt nothing but apathy and a general sense of ‘why bother?’.

But my guidance would not let me off the hook and bluntly gave me their opinion in the following dreams.

Dream: ballet rehearsal

On January 18, 2013, I dreamed that I was going to a trial lesson of a ballet rehearsal. I had already bought and put on a beautiful ballet dress. But I did not participate. I just sat at the side on a bench watching how gracefully the other dancers moved their bodies.

The message was clear to me. Why did I just sit on the sidelines watching even though I had already dressed up? Why wasn’t I going to participate in the online forum with my text?

Dream: procrastinating

On February 2nd, 2013, I dreamed that I went into a house. Carrying a bunch of paperwork, I told some friends that they should wait outside. I just needed to get a few things done quickly and then I would be back soon.

But once inside the house, I got sidetracked. There were 5 calls on the answering machine, but I did not listen to them. Instead, I found chocolate in various forms and indulged in it. Hot chocolate and chocolate ice cream. I drank so much hot chocolate that I felt nauseous.  But while I indulged in the sweets, my friends outside were waiting for me.

The interpretation was clear again. This was mirroring my situation regarding the sharing of my text. I did not listen to the calls, indulged in sweet distractions, and kept my friends waiting.

I understood the stern reproach. But that did not change my sense of apathy.

Dream: choir, poorly prepared

On February 19, 2013, I dreamed that I participated in a rehearsal session of a choir for a festive event. We rehearsed and tried to sing the songs, but it didn’t work. We could not find the sheet music. The music which was playing in my mind was an instrumental version of Hark! The herald angels sing.

On awakening, I understood that it described my situation. I should sing for a big awakening event in the world, but I was poorly prepared for it and wouldn’t succeed if I kept procrastinating like this.

Nothing matters?

The next day, I was deep in apathy again and thought, ‘Nothing matters. Why bother?’ But the inner voice replied, ‘Yes, no-thing is really mattering, meaning that the void is appearing as matter. Isn’t that great?

Even though I was partly in awe of this wisdom, I also felt kind of pissed at this smartass inner voice that wanted to pull me out of my apathy.

The three dreams described above should have been enough of a reproach and a call to action. But I just registered their message and thought that I still did not feel the inner urge to post my text to the forum.

And therefore I would not do it.

I felt justified in my non-action and fine with that because earlier in my life  I was used to doing only things which I felt the inner urge to do (- at least, for stuff which I did in my leisure time). For example, when I felt the inner urge to do a lot of competitive ballroom dancing or to learn a lot about homeopathy, then I did that. I took a deep dive and followed my passions. Of course.

But here, posting something without feeling the inner urge to do so – why should I do it? Having some inner or outer voice tell me what to do did not replace the felt intrinsic urge or passion.

But my guidance would not let me off the hook that easily.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Should I write? Tarot

While the previous posts  were about the integration phase of my awakening,  the following posts are about the guidance I got that I should share my spiritual journey. I write about gentle nudges and not so gentle kicks by my guides, and about my doubts, resistance, and surrender.

I think about this part of the journey as going downhill in a river. When I resisted, then I was like staying on the river bank, procrastinating and feeling safe. But eventually, it became clear to me that I was just running in circles at the river bank, returning over and over again to the decision fork in the road which would ask me every time, “Do you want to follow the river or do you want to resist?” And also life on the river bank became too painful because there were consequences to resisting the guidance. Eventually, I surrendered to the river – but only to get out at the next point when my comfort zone was challenged too much.

Should I write? Tarot

On November 5, 2012, I sat in front of my computer screen, looked at the online tarot and focused on my question.

Should I write a book about my spiritual journey or not?

I had never used tarot cards before, but when one of my kids wanted to buy a deck of tarot cards, I thought I’d give it a try.

I drew 7 cards which would show me what to expect when I would write and what to expect if I would not write. After the results showed up, I eagerly read the explanation of every card.

I was shown that the background of my urge to write a book was that there needed to be a storm that would clear the air.

I could relate to that. After what I had experienced at work, I probably needed a pressure valve to let it all out.

One card said that I needed to be vulnerable. And the sooner I could do that, the less I would have to suffer.

Another told me that my endless pondering and doubting of whether I should write or not was bordering on the pathological.

Whew! That blew me away. Such a blunt statement felt like a slap in the face.

There were other cards that told me if I would not write, then I would focus all my attention and energy towards my job in the corporate world.

Writing and doubts

I was amazed by the accuracy of the tarot and pondered these choices. And then, three weeks later, I sat down and wrote a candid text about my journey which I intended to post in an online forum. Basically, it was a short version of what you can read here on my blog (https://karinfinger.wordpress.com/my-journey/)

I wrote about homeopathy, spirituality and my changed worldview. About anger and burned out light bulbs. And about forgiveness, inner peace and miracles. About the destruction of the false sense of self on the trajectory of the spiritual journey. And I wrote about guidance, resistance and surrender.

I wrote everything into one single posting. Afterwards, I even corrected all the typos and tried to make sure that all the commas were in the right places.

But then, I put the file in my drawer and procrastinated. Should I really post this? I was planning to do it anonymously, of course.  But doubts had crept in and I wasn’t comfortable even with that. Too early, too dangerous, too whatever.

But the universe had other plans.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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How we got the lost keys back

Sometimes, the divine intervenes in unusual ways. On a day in July 2017, I went grocery shopping together with my son. We biked to the supermarket.

When we came out of the supermarket, we realized that my son had lost his keys somewhere. The key of his bike lock as well as the key for our house.

I started to worry that we would have to buy a new lock for our home. And I reproached him, “You should wear a waist pack like I do. Then this would not have happened.”

We decided to walk home without my son’s bike, bring the groceries home, and deal with the lost keys later.

On the way home, we unexpectedly met my husband. He had been running and was finished now. I wondered why he took a walk in the street. He hadn’t showered yet. That was unusual. We told him what had happened. He nodded and then continued to go his way.

My son and I arrived at home, put the groceries away, and then started to discuss what to do about the lost keys.

But just then my husband came back home and had the lost keys! My son had forgotten them in the shopping cart of the supermarket and the next client took our cart, found the keys, and handed them to the shop clerk. Only a few minutes later, my husband had arrived at the shop and could pick them up.

What a relief! I was in awe and gratitude.

What amazed me about this story is the fact that we met my husband on our way home. Usually, he would have taken a shower after running around the fields. He would not have gone for a walk through the town. He also took a route where we met him. Had he taken another street, we would have missed him. I asked him, why he went to town after running. And where did he want to go? He could not answer these question. He was just aware that he went into town.

Isn’t that strange? Similar to the story in the post I’m not the doer, some benevolent, invisible force put my husband on remote control and gave him the urge to go a certain way and meet us accidentally – and then to continue to go to the supermarket and ask for the lost keys.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Getting messages from people in dreams

On the integration part of the downhill path, there were not only lessons and tests but also development of heightened intuition. Here, I share two stories where I received messages from people in dreams.

The red-haired woman

I saw an ad about an upcoming African choir concert in our town and made a mental note that I wanted to go there. Then I forgot about it.

But three days before the concert I had a dream. A woman appeared to me and told me that this concert was going to be great.

The woman in the dream had a very peculiar haircut. Reddish, straight, glossy hair down to her shoulders, and she had a pony. Usually I don’t dream with colors. But if there is a color then it means something.

So, I went to this concert, enjoyed it, and wondered all the time, “Who was that woman with this red hair who appeared to me in my dream?” I couldn’t see her.

Then it happened. After the concert was over, a woman went around and distributed flyers for the next upcoming choir event. She had the exact same haircut and face as the woman in my dream! Except that the one in my dream looked twenty years younger than the actual one.

The children’s bike

When my younger son was in kindergarten, he had a little red kid’s bike which he loved and rode frequently.

Then another mom at the same kindergarten was looking to buy a used bike for her daughter. She asked me whether we would sell my son’s red bike.

“No,” I replied, “we can’t sell it yet. He hasn’t outgrown it yet and is still using it a lot.”

One night at the weekend, this woman appeared in my dream. In a very enraged tone of voice, she told me that she had waited long enough and she must have the bike now.

She didn’t come to me personally after the dream to bug me about the bike. But right after the dream, I saw a new request on the notice-board of the kindergarten “Looking to buy kid’s bike”, and the phone number below it seemed familiar.

“Is that your ad on the notice-board?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied, “I am still looking for an affordable bike.”

Ok, even though my son was still riding his bike a lot, I felt that I should offer her to buy it since she had managed to show up in my dream. That was a sign that I felt I should take seriously.

She bought the bike and her daughter was happy. My son was finally ready to ride a bigger bike.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Guides don’t do our homework

I asked what I should do with my life. What the heck is my mission in this incarnation? If my guides could please just let me know. Everything could be so much easier if they could just frankly tell me what I needed to do.

Afterwards, I got the following dream (Sept, 2014):

My son has some homework to do in mathematics. But he is too slow. Therefore, I attempt to help and solve the tasks for him.

Then the scene shifts. And this time, the homework is like a board with little light bulbs and electric cables and circuits. It is obvious that the task is to get all the light bulbs to go on by putting all the cables and plugs into the right places.

This time, if the student makes an error, there is a red warning light and an alarm sound.

I interpreted the message of this dream as : ‘Sorry, we cannot let you know what you have to do in this lifetime. This would be as if you did the homework for your son. He would not learn anything. Figuring out your life’s mission is like putting the electric plugs into the right place. If you do it the wrong way, there will be plenty of warning signals.’

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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I am not the doer

In May 2014, I had an experience that made me question my assumption about myself. Here, I repost the blog entry I’m not the doer :

A while ago, I was inquiring into the aggregates of the little ‘me’, this separate entity, which is a sticky illusion.

And one thing I was stuck with was the sense of being the author of an action. I know I am awareness, and the body-mind arises in awareness (and not the other way round) – and yet there is this sense that this body-mind can choose to do an action. I was reading Consciousness Speaks by Ramesh Balsekar, and he repeats over and over that we are not the ‘doer’ of an action but that the action happens through us.

Theoretically, I understood that, but I longed for an experience that would make it clear to me.

Now, imagine Source smiling behind the curtain, thinking, ‘Let’s have some fun with her and teach her this lesson.’

On the next weekend, I went for a short walk to the woods. The rest of my family stayed inside. I left the house, shut the door, and walked 20 minutes to a bench. I sat down, relaxed and enjoyed the beauty of the hillside and the trees. After a while, I decided to get up and go back home.

All of a sudden, I realized I didn’t have my waist pack with me (which I usually use for keys, money, etc).

OMG! Panic. My mind started racing. The keys, credit cards, driver’s license… I went back to the bench. No waist pack there. Then, I started running back home. Was it lost along the way?

After a few minutes, my mind calmed down. No way, I could have lost the waist pack. I would have noticed that. I probably had forgotten to take it with me in the first place.

I arrived at home , my children opened the door and the waist pack and keys were safely at home.

What a relief!

What did I learn from that?

I have never forgotten my keys before. I used to assume that this is due to the fact I am a well-organized person and in control of my actions.

Ha! How wrong! I am not in control.

That lesson proved to me that the thought ‘Now take the waist pack with me before I go out’ is put into my mind from outside. That means this body-mind is not the author of the action.

How humbling for my ego to realize that the body-mind is on remote control!

I’m always fascinated to see how the universe acts as a teacher and how requests for lessons are answered in a gentle but powerful way.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Bringing spirituality to earth: the Golden Rule

On March 24, 2014, in the receptive phase between sleep and awakening, I had a vision.
I saw the outlines of two people (probably guides), and one of them had a kind of sword or stick in his hand which he was moving fast downwards.

And during the motion, there was purple light on the upper side of the stick and red light on the lower side, like flames.

Then the guide said, „This is something you are going to need now.“

What did that mean?

At that time, I experimented with Aura-Soma equilibrium oils, little bottles with two phases of liquid with various color combinations and scents and different healing effects. I wondered, would I need to buy the  mixture no. 65 which was purple on  top and red on the bottom half?

The oil no. 65 had the description “bringing spirituality to earth”. So, I guessed that this was probably the meaning they intended to convey.

It turned out that that vision was an announcement of the experiences I would have later.

Don’t interfere in another’s work

One of my children got a bad grade in his math test. And, even worse, when I checked his correction, I saw that he had done it sloppily.

I became upset and admonished him to do the correction again. But he was still reluctant. Isn’t this my job as mother to check that the homework is done properly, and if not, then to ask for a correction? I felt that my action was totally justified.

But only two days later, something happened which made me wonder.

I had just completed some piece of computer coding. I wanted to get it quickly off my to-do list and had done the coding in a quick-and-dirty style.

Then, one of my colleagues looked at the coding and sent me a mail, inquiring why I hadn’t written the coding in a different way.

I was mad. This was none of his business. It was my coding. Why did he think that he could interfere? Why did I need to justify my coding style to him?

After my anger had cooled down, I saw the reciprocity of events. My interference in my child’s homework and my colleague’s interference in my work.

Gifts

But reciprocity did also work in other ways. During the same time period, I gave book as a surprise gift to a friend of mine.

Shortly afterwards, another friend of mine came to me and returned two books which I had lent her. As a thank you, she gave me a voucher for a bookstore. How great!

It seemed as if the vision of the purple and red flames around the stick was about “bringing spirituality to earth”, and that meant being aware of reciprocity or the Golden Rule.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A dream pointing to an important book

On Dec 22, 2012, I had the following dream, I was sitting at a table across from a  guy. We were playing a board game that was designed like a map.

Behind me, stood a slim, tall man with a bald head. With a friendly smile on his face, this bald guy suddenly said, ‘Now I have to take this map away from you.’

Then the map was gone. And my opponent for the game was gone, too.

Astonished, I got up and wandered through rooms with white tiles on the floor and on the walls.

There were naked dancing women in these rooms. I asked them, ‘Have you seen the other player of my game?’ No, they were clueless and totally oblivious of anything except their own dance.

I was pissed. Who dared to take my map and my opponent away?

Then I woke up.

On Christmas Eve 2012, I got the book The Direct Path by Greg Goode, which I had put on my Christmas wish list. The book consisted mostly of exercises pointing to the awareness which is always there for every experience we have.

Then I noticed that the picture of the author featured a bald guy with a friendly smile. Was he the guy in my dream which I had just two days ago? I thought so. And because the dream seemed to point out that this book would be important for me to read, I made my way through the exercises even though I am usually more fond of reading stories.

The book pointed consistently to the background of silent awareness, which is always there prior to every experience. And this gave me a crucial insight. I had always thought, ‘Yes, I have understood that I am awareness. But it still feels as if I sit in my head right between my ears and as if awareness comes from my brain.’  But after doing the exercises, I got it that the feeling that there is a head is something that is contained in awareness – and not the other way round.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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