Spirit guide rant about grief

The destination of the spiritual journey is remembering who we truly are (and then living from that). This is a shift in identity and necessarily entails the loss of the former self-image.

And that loss can be painful. So, there are emotions which have to be looked at, acknowledged, and then let go. They come in layers like in an onion.

Below my layer of anger about feeling exploited, there was a layer of sadness. Sadness about having to let go a huge part of my identity. And the universe nudged me via several posts here on WordPress and a movie (Inside Out) to take care of that layer of sadness again and to grieve.

So, I did grieve. Rather shortly, but very thoroughly. Noticed how the grief came in waves; and how I was about to drown in it.

But then two light bulbs burned out on two consecutive days. Oh no! Not that old problem again. They used to burn out when I was very angry. I thought I was done with that.

What is going on here? I thought I was encouraged to take care of the grief. Why do I get these consequences now?

So, I turned within and asked, “Can I have advice on what to do about the grief? Do you encourage me to grieve or not?”

Here is what I received from the inner voice (of spirit guide A.). It comes as a voiceless voice, like thoughts appearing in my mind which I did not think myself. Sometimes as sentences, sometimes as blocks of thought which I have to put into words. Even though this is not an audible voice, I perceive it as high in intensity, almost shouting at me, impatient to get his point across. I share this as an example of guidance received in an inner voice dialogue.

A: “You can hear me. Don’t pretend that you can’t!
So you want to grieve? Yes, you can do so. And you need to do so. Grief is more appropriate than anger now. You have acted on the anger. So let that go.

Now take care of the grief. Acknowledge it. Heal your wounds. But don’t drown in it! I see that you want to stay home, sit in a corner, hug yourself and cry. But if you take a decision like staying home when there is a party outside, cutting yourself off from friends, wallowing in self-pity, then you are making it real! You are cutting yourself off from Source. You are saying, “Nobody loves me, I am sooo sad that I am not loved, I am a victim, I am hopeless, it is totally justified that I feel like crap and stay at home and cry and will never ever talk to anyone again, especially not about my f*cked up spiritual journey. Because I am such a fraud. Because I believe that it is inappropriate to feel sadness if I am committed to inner peace.”

That is bullshit. BULLSH*T. Do I need to repeat it again? [BLEEP!]

Acknowledge the sadness, yes! But don’t give in to it. That means don’t let yourself be pulled into it. It is like a giant arm which comes out of a dark lake and grabs you and pulls you into the water. See the arm , but don’t grab the hand. Don’t drown. Because it is built on a lie! You are grieving the loss of your former self-image. But you have never been that! You are the consciousness that contains it  and contains everything else. You are the screen on which the scene is painted. Don’t identify yourself with that little person part on the screen. Let go of the attachment to that person.

If you give in to the grief too much, you are making it real. You are telling yourself that grief is justified because you have really lost something.

However, loss is not possible.

Remember past events when you have lost something. Hasn’t it been replaced with something better? Sometimes you need to make space for something new. It is like decluttering your closet. Make space to breathe. And then you can get new clothes.”

K: “Why is this so hard? Why do I have such a hard time to feel grief and yet not get sucked into it? Clearly, the light bulbs indicate that I have gone too far, don’t they?”

A: “Yes and no [smiles]. There is no wrong path, remember. There is no ‘too far’. You are just presented with the consequences of your thoughts. Always. Free of judgment. So, do you want to think these thoughts?

You must learn not to do what the feeling makes you want to do.

If the anger makes you want to kick someone else’s shin, you have learned not to give in to that urge, right?

Same here. If the sadness makes you want to cut yourself off from friends, then do not follow that urge. Acknowledge the sadness, yes. But do not get led into an action by it.

Watch from the witness place. Stay conscious.”

After that pep-talk, the current wave of grief lasted a few more days and then subsided. At least for the time being. Since this process comes in a spiralling movement which feels like back and forth, back and forth,  I am not sure whether this phase will return or not.

I wanted to make the point that inner peace is not about suppressing emotions, but about acknowledging them, feeling them,  and then letting them go. And inner guidance is always available to us.

Advertisements

Dream advice about handling fear

Often, my inner voice asks me to do things which make me cringe with fear. Starting a blog, doing a youtube video, and more which I don’t dare to think about. Recently, fear and overwhelm came up big time again about what changes in lifestyle would be requested from me in the long run. So, I turned within and asked, “Do you have some tips for me on how to handle this fear issue?”

The following night, I had a dream:

I was on a bike ride to the home of my parents and had to cross a bridge. But it became too steep. So, I decided to get off and walk my bike uphill.

On top of the bridge, I was struck by my fear of heights. No balustrade at the side –  eek! Sick with vertigo, I had to focus on just the next step and could not look too far ahead or down to the side.

After I had safely crossed the bridge, I wanted to go home to my parents. But it was too far for a bike ride and I needed to take the bus. After I had asked where the bus stop was, I wondered whether I would be allowed to take my bike inside the bus. At that moment, the bike folded itself so that it was no larger than a closed umbrella. Perfect!

All of a sudden, I was inside the bus taking me home. I wondered how I got in there without actually having entered through the door.

Then, I thought that I must pay the fare and searched my purse for money. But before I could pay, I woke up.

Interpretation:
On your journey Home,
when the road gets too steep, go slowly;
w
hen it is too high, just look to the very next step;
w
hen it is too long to go by yourself, ask for a ride.
And you don’t even need to pay.

 

Divine communication devices: trucks

The universe uses whatever is available to communicate with us.  Here are three stories about truck inscriptions.

  1. When I was doing a lot of forgiveness work and reading a lot of ACIM (which is a Jesus channeling), I saw a truck saying, ‘Christ. Die erste Adresse für Umzüge’, which means ‘Christ. The first address when you are moving house‘. Moving my belief system from one set of beliefs to another also required Christ.
  2. In summer 2015, I had promised to write a draft for a course about many forms of divine guidance. When the deadline was approaching, I saw a truck with the inscription ‘www.nicht-bummeln.de’  
    (back then, this led to http://www.utke-transporte.de).
    ‘Nicht bummeln’ translates into ‘don’t dawdle’. I took the admonishment personally and wrote a large part of the draft on that same day.
    It is interesting to note that I never got this sort of push regarding my day job or household chores. Source seems to care more about waking up than about anything else.
  3. ‘I am so sad, I am really longing for someone to comfort me,’ I thought.
    The next day, I saw a truck  with the inscription ‘Trost Transport’ , which translates into ‘Solace Transport’. How nice! I can have a truck load of solace;-)

Behind the scences, there is an awesome orchestrating intelligence at work. It uses whatever it can get for communicating with us. And it definitely has a sense of humor.

Eventually, these synchronicities lead to the insight that we are not who we thought we were. But that we are consciousness which contains all. And that whatever is going on within the body-mind is mirrored in the seemingly outside world.

5 insights after 1 year of blogging

I have been blogging about the spiritual journey for one year now and want to share what have I learned.

  1. With a sense of relief, I see that it is not nearly as dangerous as I assumed in the beginning. I was very afraid and reluctant to start a blog and only did so because I was pressured by my inner voice/spirit guides. I thought if I write publicly about all the strange things  which have happened to me (like burned out light bulbs by anger and manifesting the weather) that I would encounter “issues” (like, uhm, do they still burn witches at the stake?).
  2. The tone of conversation is much more friendly than in an internet forum, where discussions often drift into flame wars.
  3. I am amazed by the variety of spiritual paths. So many different approaches! Buddhists, Lightworkers, Christians, ACIM students, hardcore spiritual seekers, they all approach the life’s journey with a somewhat different belief system and set of tools. Also, the variety of expression is amazing. Poetry, essays, stories, uplifting quotes, and advice.
    I am grateful for new friends, new perspectives, and new insights.
  4. Geography belonged to my least-favorite subjects at school. But looking at the world map of the WordPress statistics page is fun. Occasionally, a web search arrives on my blog from a country of which I had never heard the name before.
  5. Often, there seemed to be similar underlying subjects for many bloggers in a given time frame.
    For example, I had just published a post about the painful loss of the former self-image. And then another post about that topic came up. But the other blogger for sure did not know my blog.
    At another time, many people were blogging about time, multiple timelines, and time travel. I didn’t write about time then. But I lost my watch during that time.
    At yet another time, it was about visibility. Many were publishing their first picture, voice recording, or video.
    It is as if we are indeed all pulsed by the same divine Source.

Thank you, dear readers, for all your likes, comments, and for the warm welcome I have received here!

 

Inner peace and intuition

I was stirring zucchini in a pan, when all of a sudden hot oil splattered onto my finger. Ouch! It was just a tiny spot of skin burned, but it hurt like hell.

‘Ok, breathe deep and remember all things tend to resolve when I keep my inner peace!’ I thought. I turned to the kitchen table, stared at the  pressed garlic which I had prepared before, and tried to calm down.

Then, I had a sudden idea. What if I put garlic on the burn? I had never done this before.

After I had distributed some of the paste on the finger, the pain lessened immediately. Amazing! (Please note: I left it on for about ten minutes only and did not cover it with bandage).

‘Has garlic been recommended as a treatment for skin burns by anyone yet?’ I wondered and searched the web. Though there were some recommendations for garlic paste against pimples, I could not find resources related to skin burns.

On the contrary, fresh garlic can actually cause serious skin burns. So, in my case, the immediate positive effect on the pain seems to have been a homeopathic one (‘like cures like’).

Inner peace can lead to intuition for unusual solutions.

Disclaimer: Don’t try this at home! Fresh garlic (especially if it is applied to the skin for a long time and covered with a bandage) can cause serious skin burns!

 

Divine shopping help

‘I so much want to see evidence that I am loved and cared for by my spirit guides,’  I thought. The past few months had been very stressful and left me feeling drained. In this state of exhaustion and overwhelm, I was craving for someone to cheer me up.

Later on that day, I was waiting in line at the cashier of the grocery store. The woman in front of me had just put a T-shirt on the conveyor belt.‘Oh, they’re selling T-shirts right now,’ I thought.

‘I don’t need a T-shirt, but I do need new leggings. I hope the universe will send me a special invitation when they offer leggings here.’

Then I looked to the right where they sell last-minute items. What did I see?

A single pair of leggings – right on top of the chewing gums and cough drops!  I took it out and saw that it was exactly my size.  What a synchronicity!

I was floored with gratitude for the divine shopping help and the demonstration of love and support.

The riddle of acceptance

The spiritual seeker is told frequently that the path is about acceptance. But what actually is acceptance?

If we are in a difficult situation, does it mean we are supposed to accept it, shut up, and carry on?

No! That would be a misunderstanding.

If our feet have grown two sizes too big for our shoes, it would be silly to stay in too small shoes just because acceptance is more ‘spiritual’. We would get new shoes (if possible).

I am in a situation in which I feel exploited. And this  has become more and more unbearable over the last years. For a long time, I tried to adjust a parameter here and there, talked to people, and improved some processes. Isn’t it all about acceptance? Am I not supposed to be the good person and make things work?

But it still sucks.

Finally, during this summer,  my inner pressure reached well above fever pitch. In a showdown with the other involved party, I declared that I will exit this situation and hand the stuff over to someone else.

Boy was that freeing!

The wise inner voice commented,
“This decision has been looong overdue.”

Phases of the journey

The spiritual journey consists of several phases.

Phase 1) Searching happiness ‘out there’.
Peace, joy, and fulfillment seem to be out there in the future, if we could just get that new job/car/partner/house/child. But the happiness found in the achievement of a new goal is fleeting at best.

Welcome to the human condition.

Phase 2) Searching and finding happiness ‘in here’.
This is an inward movement. Downsizing outer distractions like TV or social activities and withdrawing into the metaphorical cave for meditating.

This phase involves a painful stripping away of the attachment to the former personality (see my post about the Dark Night of the Soul).

Eventually, we find the unconditional Source of peace and joy inside of us. Job/car/partner/house/child may still be there, but they are no longer a requirement for happiness.

Phase 3) Returning to the marketplace
During this phase, the inner peace is tested while being active in the marketplace of life.

Walking through the rings of fear
For me, this phase is about sharing the insights of the spiritual journey. Getting out there and becoming visible, open, and vulnerable. It requires me to leave my comfort zone.

As of summer 2012, the usual chain of events in my experience goes like this:

At first, there is a call by the universe that I need to share in a particular format (anonymous in a forum, for starters, but with full name in a blog later). That call is delivered via the inner voice and is usually enforced by outer signs.

If I resist because of fear (which I usually do), I experience a strong sense of guilt and then there is a talk by my spirit guide. At first a gentle coaxing which turns into a stern lecture later.

If I still resist (which I usually do), there are dreams which tell me that I am procrastinating and which soon turn into warnings (“Share, or else…”).

And if I still resist (which I sometimes do), there are consequences like clogged drains mirroring my resistance, or even health problems.

Relief from the guilt and fear is found, once I yield and do what Source wants me to do.

Recently, I was told by my spirit guide to speak and share in a video format. After the usual battle of resistance (including health issues in the throat chakra region), I finally gave in and recorded this short video about the phases of the spiritual journey (1:30)
https://youtu.be/9z3O8flnm9s

When the universe says Boo!

“Oh no, not another one of these problems!” I exclaimed after my husband had told me that our trash can outside of the house had just vanished into thin air. It wasn’t our own container. In Germany, we usually rent them from the local waste management company.

My mind started racing. Would I have to inform the police and insurance company that it was stolen? What does a trash can cost? Where do we store the trash now?

I’ve had enough of these annoying issues already. From April 2015  through August 2015, they arose one after another. Threats to my time, plans, money, and even my health. Ranging from mildly annoying to frightening.

During one of these issues, I went into panic mode and made an unwise decision. When the train drivers announced their strike, I canceled my train tickets right away and decided to go by bus instead. But about two days later, the strike was called off temporarily and the train drivers agreed to enter mediation instead. Now, I was stuck with the bus tickets which meant a much longer travel time.

That was a lesson. Had I only been able to stay at peace and listen to the voice of intuition! During the next issues, I made sure that I didn’t let fear take over.

It was as if the universe said Boo! in a haunted house ride, trying to push me off center, and all I needed to do was stay at inner peace and say to myself, “I wonder what I feel guided to do now and how this issue will be solved.”

The answer from the wise inner voice was usually,
“Don’t worry, you’ll be okay.”

And then I watched how things worked out – with little or no action from my side.

What about the trash can?

“Oh, it can happen that the garbage truck swallows the trash can altogether. Don’t worry, we will provide you a new one next week”, the lady from the local waste management company assured me. “You can even have a larger one at no additional cost.”

How great! We could really use a larger trash can. With much relief and gratitude, I accepted the offer.

 

Why it’s important to love yourself first

This is a contribution to Barbara Franken’s call for posts about why it is important to love ourselves first. https://memymagnificentself.wordpress.com/2015/06/08/loving-self-first-is/

What does it mean to love ourselves first?
For me, it means taking care of my inner peace first. I turn my attention 180 degrees inwards, away from the 3d world, away from all thoughts and emotions, and then I look at awareness itself. That is how I find the place of inner peace. Unconditional inner peace. Peace and joy no matter what the circumstances are.

Inner peace is our real nature.
At first, I thought that inner peace is just another emotional state. But, no! It is our real nature. Being there means being Home.

Inner peace is the place of power.
I realized that wishes tended to be fulfilled promptly when I was in inner peace. I thought, ‘Cool, this is like having a magic wand!’ Whereas when I was in a state of emotional turmoil, weird and annoying things started to happen (- my specialities seem to be broken electrical appliances when I am angry).
If I am not at peace and instead get reactive to the events around me, this emotional state will be the very cause for the next round of disasters. It is as if the universe says, “Dear child, you like feeling angry and upset? Well, let’s see what I can do for you.” And, boom, like a rabbit out of the wizard’s hat, there will be another round of problems.

Inner peace is the place from which intuition comes.
The inner wise voice of guidance can be heard or felt more clearly if we are at peace. Whereas, when there is emotional turmoil, the still small voice is inaccessible.

Inner peace is the place from which love fills us.
We can only give what we have received. We are like a garden hose nozzle with water flowing through. In order to water the plants, the nozzle first needs to receive the water from the source. It can only let out as much water as it has received before. I can only give love when I have received it before. I receive love from inside when I am at peace. If  people don’t find this place of connection to Source, then they can behave clingy in relationships. There will always be searching for fulfillment coming from the outside.

I remember that the Raj material contains many statements about how we must learn to be ‘divinely selfish’. Here is  a quote I have found:

“You cannot think yourself into greater appreciation of another. If you could, your appreciation would be theoretical. Appreciation arises out of Knowing, out of experience. So, let your primary desire be to know your Self more and more significantly. It is to know what God is being, because God is being You. […] You could call this a divine selfishness. But the wonderful thing about divine selfishness is that it blesses everyone, because it does not block the essential Presence of God right where You Are. It does not obscure It.”
(Raj/Jesus, channeled by Paul N. Tuttle, https://nwffacim.wordpress.com/)
Source : CONVERSATIONS WITH RAJ, OCTOBER 1985 ,Vol. 2, No. 10
http://heavenlydesigns.homestead.com/files/vol2num101985.htm