Postcards from cave time

I have been nudged and pushed by the inner voice to do a workshop on divine guidance. But I resisted this task a lot. So, I thought it would be a good idea to look at the resistance. Where does it come from?

With this intention, I entered into cave time.  I felt that I first needed to make peace with life and all the loss and pain that is part of the spiritual journey (- think of a caterpillar in the chrysalis stage grieving the loss of the former self), before I could move on with the task of creating a workshop.

Here, are  some postcards from the phase of cave time about the patterns I have experienced.

  1. Feeling confused while in the midst of it
    I find it hard to make sense of a phase when I am in the midst of it. It is much easier to look at a difficult time in retrospect and then see what it was good for and what I have learned from it.
  2. Connecting the dots in retrospect
    As I read through old journals, I was able to see common topics that came up over and over again. For example, one of them was “Learn to express your view and set boundaries even if that might upset others!” Maybe this is why I am guided to continue blogging?
  3. Working through old stuff goes roughly backwards in time.
    First, the most recent ‘forgiveness opportunities’ came up, like anger at work. After that, the older stuff came up for processing (like the painful and crippling rheumatoid arthritis I got after the birth of my first child). Last, some unpleasant childhood memories came up about being treated unkindly in a hospital at the age of 3 years.
    So, that goes roughly backwards in time. However, the whole review process was triggered by a disturbing past-life memory that was revealed to me.
  4. Reframing, witnessing, faith
    In order to make peace with emotionally upsetting stuff from the past, for me, it usually comes down to reframing in order to find peace of mind. There is probably some gold nugget in the experience that I must be determined to find.
    For current surges of emotional pain, the witness position was often the only peaceful place to be found.
    When nothing else helped, like with physical pain, I got signs by the universe to just have faith that things would improve over time.
  5. The universe uses WordPress
    Whenever I had an urgent question during this time, there would soon be several posts in my WordPress feed which contained an answer to my question. God listens. How comforting!
  6. Lists
    Besides journaling, I have found it helpful to make lists of all kinds. The list of recurring issues in my life. The list of things to be grateful for. The list of things my higher self would enjoy doing (sharing my experiences fearlessly) versus the list of things my personality self would enjoy (sitting safely on my couch and reading yet another book).
  7. Sharing
    Though I did not blog during the last 10 months, I journaled a lot. But somehow, this was not enough. Whenever I had moved through a topic, someone appeared with whom I was prompted to share. It was as if I was encouraged to spell out for someone else what I had experienced and learned or where I was stuck.Thank you to everyone with whom I could connect during that time!
  8. Honoring my inner knowing
    When sharing my process with others, they often felt compelled to suggest solutions to my issues. Often, that was helpful. However, in some cases I had to politely decline their advice and rather honor my own inner knowing about what would be the appropriate next step for me – even if I was sorry to see that the other person felt rejected and disappointed.
  9. Advice to others is advice for myself
    I often found that when I gave others suggestions about what I guessed would be helpful in their situation, that was the very thing I needed to tell myself in the next difficult situation.
  10. Circling at the fork of surrender
    For me, there is a fork in the road. Surrender and do the workshop on divine guidance and all that is connected with it –  or avoid it.
    On the path of surrender, I need to face much fear.
    On the other hand, the path of avoidance does not face the fear and I could stay in my comfort zone and feel safe, but this only leads to circling and coming back to the decision fork in the road over and over again.
    Unfortunately, the path suggested by the higher self is not always what my personality-self prefers.
  11. Twisted memory or jump to another timeline?
    Twice during the last ten months, I had the experience that current facts do not conform to how I had remembered things. Very odd! Is this my lack of memory or is it something like the Mandela effect and the jump to another timeline? Interestingly, both experiences seem to be connected to decisions which made me come into better alignment with my higher self.

What happened to my resistance after all of that cave time? It is still there and I still don’t know exactly where it comes from or what it consists of.

Now, I am back to the former mode of pushing through this workshop task with obedience and self-discipline.

At least, I have set a deadline now. A  pilot version of the workshop on divine guidance with a very small number of participants will take place end of March, 2017.

Spirit guide rant about grief

The destination of the spiritual journey is remembering who we truly are (and then living from that). This is a shift in identity and necessarily entails the loss of the former self-image.

And that loss can be painful. So, there are emotions which have to be looked at, acknowledged, and then let go. They come in layers like in an onion.

Below my layer of anger about feeling exploited, there was a layer of sadness. Sadness about having to let go a huge part of my identity. And the universe nudged me via several posts here on WordPress and a movie (Inside Out) to take care of that layer of sadness again and to grieve.

So, I did grieve. Rather shortly, but very thoroughly. Noticed how the grief came in waves; and how I was about to drown in it.

But then two light bulbs burned out on two consecutive days. Oh no! Not that old problem again. They used to burn out when I was very angry. I thought I was done with that.

What is going on here? I thought I was encouraged to take care of the grief. Why do I get these consequences now?

So, I turned within and asked, “Can I have advice on what to do about the grief? Do you encourage me to grieve or not?”

Here is what I received from the inner voice (of spirit guide A.). It comes as a voiceless voice, like thoughts appearing in my mind which I did not think myself. Sometimes as sentences, sometimes as blocks of thought which I have to put into words. Even though this is not an audible voice, I perceive it as high in intensity, almost shouting at me, impatient to get his point across. I share this as an example of guidance received in an inner voice dialogue.

A: “You can hear me. Don’t pretend that you can’t!
So you want to grieve? Yes, you can do so. And you need to do so. Grief is more appropriate than anger now. You have acted on the anger. So let that go.

Now take care of the grief. Acknowledge it. Heal your wounds. But don’t drown in it! I see that you want to stay home, sit in a corner, hug yourself and cry. But if you take a decision like staying home when there is a party outside, cutting yourself off from friends, wallowing in self-pity, then you are making it real! You are cutting yourself off from Source. You are saying, “Nobody loves me, I am sooo sad that I am not loved, I am a victim, I am hopeless, it is totally justified that I feel like crap and stay at home and cry and will never ever talk to anyone again, especially not about my f*cked up spiritual journey. Because I am such a fraud. Because I believe that it is inappropriate to feel sadness if I am committed to inner peace.”

That is bullshit. BULLSH*T. Do I need to repeat it again? [BLEEP!]

Acknowledge the sadness, yes! But don’t give in to it. That means don’t let yourself be pulled into it. It is like a giant arm which comes out of a dark lake and grabs you and pulls you into the water. See the arm , but don’t grab the hand. Don’t drown. Because it is built on a lie! You are grieving the loss of your former self-image. But you have never been that! You are the consciousness that contains it  and contains everything else. You are the screen on which the scene is painted. Don’t identify yourself with that little person part on the screen. Let go of the attachment to that person.

If you give in to the grief too much, you are making it real. You are telling yourself that grief is justified because you have really lost something.

However, loss is not possible.

Remember past events when you have lost something. Hasn’t it been replaced with something better? Sometimes you need to make space for something new. It is like decluttering your closet. Make space to breathe. And then you can get new clothes.”

K: “Why is this so hard? Why do I have such a hard time to feel grief and yet not get sucked into it? Clearly, the light bulbs indicate that I have gone too far, don’t they?”

A: “Yes and no [smiles]. There is no wrong path, remember. There is no ‘too far’. You are just presented with the consequences of your thoughts. Always. Free of judgment. So, do you want to think these thoughts?

You must learn not to do what the feeling makes you want to do.

If the anger makes you want to kick someone else’s shin, you have learned not to give in to that urge, right?

Same here. If the sadness makes you want to cut yourself off from friends, then do not follow that urge. Acknowledge the sadness, yes. But do not get led into an action by it.

Watch from the witness place. Stay conscious.”

After that pep-talk, the current wave of grief lasted a few more days and then subsided. At least for the time being. Since this process comes in a spiralling movement which feels like back and forth, back and forth,  I am not sure whether this phase will return or not.

I wanted to make the point that inner peace is not about suppressing emotions, but about acknowledging them, feeling them,  and then letting them go. And inner guidance is always available to us.