If you want to make God laugh

As I lay half-awake in bed around 3 am on May 14, the inner voice started to talk again. At first, with compliments and congratulations regarding the recent workshop on divine guidance.

But then it said,  “I want you to hold an internationally available online seminar”.  And afterwards, I had the song “Live is Life” in my head. I guess that meant it had  to be a ‘live’ webinar.

§@$§&%.!!!

*Sigh*.

Ok, it is not that  bad. After all, I am not required to travel, book venues, invent a logo, print flyers, and all that stuff. It will just be webinar. Just talking into a lifeless camera hole for about an hour. I should be able to accomplish that.

Originally, I had planned to do the workshop on divine guidance end of March 2017 and then to retreat into cave time again in order to rest and  heal more. Maybe my rheumatoid arthritis would improve after a past-life regression hypnosis? I wanted to focus on self-care and healing.

I did not dare to listen to the inner voice because I was afraid it would tell me bluntly what I had to do next. And I am fed up with constantly getting new tasks.

But only about a week after I had posted the script of the workshop, I already got this new assignment.

Afterwards, my usual course of events started, similar to what I have described in ‘the universe’s bag of tricks’.

Resistance, followed by dreams that tried to persuade me with metaphors that  I ‘needed to nurture my baby’. That it would be ‘a piece of cake’. That it is a ‘leap of faith’ which is required and which will lead me to happiness. An inner voice which told me that I must speak.

More resistance, followed by dreams that threatened me (-in one of them a person dressed in a skeleton costume walked behind me, as if to tell me that death is going after me if I resist).

Still more resistance, and I got  clogged drains everywhere and other mirroring patterns (for example,  no network connections or people not answering my comments and emails).

More resistance, and now I feel a tightness in my throat chakra again.  Just like back in 2013, when I resisted sharing  anything of my experiences at all.

Alright. So, I will have to do this webinar if I don’t want to feel choked again.

I wonder where this will lead to. I can see the puzzle pieces falling into place. This blog, the youtube video, the divine guidance workshop. It is all about coming out of hiding and sharing. Expressing myself, becoming visible, and speaking up. And I find it stressful each time I get a new assignment.

I often wonder why I am chosen to speak about guidance even though I am so resistant. Or maybe it is exactly because  I am so resistant?  Maybe I will teach what I need to learn? Not only listening to guidance, but also how the process of surrendering happens in slow motion?

Whenever I asked some channels about these patterns, the answer was always, “Follow your joy.”  Yeah, good idea! My joy is journaling and taking walks in nature. But anything that has to do with workshops is stress. Therefore, it feels as if I have to choose between my joy and my guidance. That is probably not how it is supposed to be.

Rather, I am often thinking of the story of Jonah. He was guided to go and preach in Nineveh but resisted. He got on a turbulent cruise trip  instead and then got a ride in the stomach of a whale which transported him to his destination. Eventually, he had to give up his resistance.

Sure, Jonah, just ‘follow your joy’, and all will be well? Nope. It does not always work that way.

Also, this Bible passage speaks to me
“That servant who knows his master’s will but does not get ready or follow his instructions will be beaten with many blows.” (Luke 12:47) That means once I know what I am expected to do, I better follow it. If I don’t, I will get into trouble. That has been exactly my experience over and over again since 2013.

So, the phase I am going through is still about coming into alignment with the will of my higher self and it feels like I am being kept on an ever shortening leash.

I had other plans after the workshop in March. But if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

 

Postcards from cave time

I have been nudged and pushed by the inner voice to do a workshop on divine guidance. But I resisted this task a lot. So, I thought it would be a good idea to look at the resistance. Where does it come from?

With this intention, I entered into cave time.  I felt that I first needed to make peace with life and all the loss and pain that is part of the spiritual journey (- think of a caterpillar in the chrysalis stage grieving the loss of the former self), before I could move on with the task of creating a workshop.

Here, are  some postcards from the phase of cave time about the patterns I have experienced.

1. Feeling confused while in the midst of it
   I find it hard to make sense of a phase when I am in the midst of it. It is much easier to look at a difficult time in retrospect and then see what it was good for and what I have learned from it.
2. Connecting the dots in retrospect
   As I read through old journals, I was able to see common topics that came up over and over again. For example, one of them was “Learn to express your view and set boundaries even if that might upset others!” Maybe this is why I am guided to continue blogging?
3. Working through old stuff goes roughly backwards in time.
   First, the most recent ‘forgiveness opportunities’ came up, like anger at work. After that, the older stuff came up for processing (like the painful and crippling rheumatoid arthritis I got after the birth of my first child). Last, some unpleasant childhood memories came up about being treated unkindly in a hospital at the age of 3 years.
   So, that goes roughly backwards in time. However, the whole review process was triggered by a disturbing past-life memory that was revealed to me.
4. Reframing, witnessing, faith
   In order to make peace with emotionally upsetting stuff from the past, for me, it usually comes down to reframing in order to find peace of mind. There is probably some gold nugget in the experience that I must be determined to find.
   For current surges of emotional pain, the witness position was often the only peaceful place to be found.
   When nothing else helped, like with physical pain, I got signs by the universe to just have faith that things would improve over time.
5. The universe uses WordPress
   Whenever I had an urgent question during this time, there would soon be several posts in my WordPress feed which contained an answer to my question. God listens. How comforting!
6. Lists
   Besides journaling, I have found it helpful to make lists of all kinds. The list of recurring issues in my life. The list of things to be grateful for. The list of things my higher self would enjoy doing (sharing my experiences fearlessly) versus the list of things my personality self would enjoy (sitting safely on my couch and reading yet another book).
7. Sharing
   Though I did not blog during the last 10 months, I journaled a lot. But somehow, this was not enough. Whenever I had moved through a topic, someone appeared with whom I was prompted to share. It was as if I was encouraged to spell out for someone else what I had experienced and learned or where I was stuck.Thank you to everyone with whom I could connect during that time!
8. Honoring my inner knowing
   When sharing my process with others, they often felt compelled to suggest solutions to my issues. Often, that was helpful. However, in some cases I had to politely decline their advice and rather honor my own inner knowing about what would be the appropriate next step for me – even if I was sorry to see that the other person felt rejected and disappointed.
9. Advice to others is advice for myself
   I often found that when I gave others suggestions about what I guessed would be helpful in their situation, that was the very thing I needed to tell myself in the next difficult situation.
10. Circling at the fork of surrender
    For me, there is a fork in the road. Surrender and do the workshop on divine guidance and all that is connected with it –  or avoid it.
    On the path of surrender, I need to face much fear.
    On the other hand, the path of avoidance does not face the fear and I could stay in my comfort zone and feel safe, but this only leads to circling and coming back to the decision fork in the road over and over again.
    Unfortunately, the path suggested by the higher self is not always what my personality-self prefers.
11. Twisted memory or jump to another timeline?
    Twice during the last ten months, I had the experience that current facts do not conform to how I had remembered things. Very odd! Is this my lack of memory or is it something like the Mandela effect and the jump to another timeline? Interestingly, both experiences seem to be connected to decisions which made me come into better alignment with my higher self.

What happened to my resistance after all of that cave time? It is still there and I still don’t know exactly where it comes from or what it consists of.

Now, I am back to the former mode of pushing through this workshop task with obedience and self-discipline.

At least, I have set a deadline now. A  pilot version of the workshop on divine guidance with a very small number of participants will take place end of March, 2017.

The universe’s bag of tricks

‘I want you to hold a workshop,’ said my spirit guide, while I was taking a walk alone outside in Jan 2015.  ‘A what? No way!’ was my initial response. ‘You know how much I hate having to organize my children’s birthday parties. I sure don’t feel like organizing a workshop.’

In front of me, a man was walking with a large dog on a leash. And right after my thought of resistance, he wrapped the dog leash around the belly of the dog in such a way that it became really short. This seemed to imply, ‘Remember, you are on a short leash!’   Afterwards, the dog was supposed to hop into the trunk of a car. But it refused. The man shouted, “Are you crazy?” and just lifted the dog into the trunk. That seemed to mean this would happen to me, too, when I resisted. Sigh. I would probably  have to yield at some point.

I had written a post about the many forms of divine guidance  and  was told by my inner voice that I should somehow turn this into a workshop format.

But doubts crept in. I would have to offer exercises. But how do I practice dream recall techniques in a workshop setting (when people are hopefully not sleeping)? More doubts came, about having to book a venue, marketing, travel, money issues. All of this resulted in me downright refusing to even think about it.

But the universe has its bag of tricks to convince resistant children.

The dishwasher mirrors my stubbornness
I seem to have a special affiliation with electric gadgets. They often stop working when I am not aligned with inner peace. And this time it was our dishwasher’s turn. The start button refused to work, or worked only after pushing it about 20 times. Not funny! Apparently, this was mirroring my stubbornness. Ok, breathe deep and say ‘Thy will be done’. And then the button started to behave well again. I am always amazed when forgiveness works.

Truck advice cheers me on
In summer 2015, I had agreed to write an outline at least, in order to demonstrate my willingness. I came across a truck with the inscription  www.nicht-bummeln.de which means ‘don’t dawdle’. I took this as advice to get started and wrote an early draft version.

The unsolved error ticket mirrors me
In December 2015, my efforts had somewhat stopped due to overwhelm in other areas of my life. I was extremely exhausted with no energy or creativity left over. There were no further pushes by the universe regarding the workshop. Maybe I didn’t need to do it after all? I turned within and asked, ‘Do you still want me to take care of this?’ This time, I did not get an inner voice or dream as an answer. But the universe used another very creative method to let me know.

In October, I had created an error ticket about a technical issue. And in December, about two months later, the ticket came back to me, not with a solution but with the innocent question , “Is this issue still not fixed and do you still want me to take care of it?”

My initial knee-jerk thought was, ‘Yes, of course, you [Bleep], unless you have invented any self-fixing bugs, you better take care of it!’

But then I calmed down and remembered that the universe often uses mirrors to reflect back to me what is buried in my consciousness. I admired the universe’s sense of creativity and felt humbled (and was able to answer more calmly).

WordPress posts about letting go of doubt
Even though I got plenty of messages, I still doubted them. ‘Is a pattern really no coincidence? Do I really hear my inner voice correctly? You want me to hold a workshop? Really? Me?’
On Dec 17, 2015, I got three messages to let go of doubt. Two of these came via blog posts, one was delivered over lunch by a friend. Three messages on one day about the same topic. That was no coincidence and made a pattern. The universe was telling me to let go of doubt.

Dream advice about handling fear
I turned within and asked how to deal with the fear and then got a dream about handling fear that suggested to take it step by step and to trust.
Additionally, my iPad sent me some push notifications of an app with the text, ‘I should be telling you that it is better to be safe than sorry, but sometimes safe can be boring.’
Another push notification said ‘Guts over Fear  is today’s new song’.

Inner voice begs me to visualize
My spirit guide begged me, ‘Allow the vision of yourself being on a stage speaking to people.’ Since I had downright refused the idea to do a workshop, I would never indulge in daydreams of how I would talk to a group of people about this topic. But obviously, daydreams are important. Thoughts coupled with emotion manifest reality. Therefore, I needed to allow some visualization exercise.

Magpies are telling me to express myself
I was staring out of my kitchen window when a magpie appeared on the street. And then another one and yet another one. Until there were six or seven of them. Magpies keep showing up often for me since several years now. When I was active in a forum, a new participant showed up with  the nickname ‘magpie’. And one day, I stood behind a guy with a sweatshirt with the inscription ‘magpie’ on it. Though there are several meanings connected with these birds, I interpret their frequent occurrence as a message to express myself and to consider the importance of voice (i.e., speak rather than write).

Cosmic push notifications
On Feb 16, 2016, my iPad suddenly started to switch from standby to active mode when sending me push notifications of apps. Apparently, the ‘do not disturb mode’ setting had been disabled all of a sudden. Hmm, what did this mean?
On the same day, I got a post and an email both with the word PUSH in it. That was a pattern again.

Ok, got it. Apparently, the grace period was over, and I got a push to get moving now.

Dream series about what is holding me back
In February 2016, I then had a dream where I was dancing Latin rumba with my spirit guide. I was dancing gracefully, but my legs could not move freely since they got stuck in the long Latin dress which was tied together on the floor. In my dreams, dancing is a symbol of communicating about the spiritual path. That meant that I could not communicate to the fullest extent since something was holding me back.
But what was holding me back? I asked spirit to show me. As an answer, I got  a mini-series of up to three dreams per night on about five consecutive days which addressed all the reasons which were holding me back. It was so much that my guide asked me in between, ‘Are you sure you can take more?‘ The most important point was lack of commitment and that this would make me prone to give up at the slightest obstacle. Other points were fear based decisions, desire for reward, doing too much for my children, dwelling on the past, laziness and sloppiness, and being concerned with what others think about me.

Sickness as a consequence of resistance
I have pain in one foot. Homeopathic treatment, which is my preferred method, just shifts symptoms around at the moment but does not heal. I remembered that the refusal to express myself in writing resulted in breathing issues in the throat. The throat chakra reacts if there is lack of expression. Likewise, I think that the issues in the foot might point to the root chakra (connected to trust and personal power), and I get a hunch that the pain will lessen once I commit fully to this workshop project.

Feeling drained versus energized
So many messages and the threat of illness as a consequence made me willing to comply. I got that I have to work on the workshop project.

But then another blog post came up that said that it is not enough to do things just because we feel pushed to do them. No! We need to do them because we enjoy them and because it makes our heart sing.

Yeah, I know that. Except that my situation feels like standing on top of a high building, staring down into water and being told to jump. ‘Just jump! And don’t jump just because we threaten you! Jump because you really enjoy it!‘  Well, nice suggestion. But, frankly, that did not feel feasible for me.

So, I turned within and asked, ‘Show me. How I can become more intrinsically motivated?’

And the answer came. These past weeks in March 2016,  I felt quite exhausted and drained as if no energy was left for mundane tasks of preparing meals or other household chores. I felt only energized when I worked on stuff which was related to the workshop about divine guidance. I took me a while to figure out that this stark contrast between feeling drained vs energized was probably the answer to my question.

Thanks for the information, dear universe, but the feeling of exhaustion sucks.
Note to self: Always be careful what you ask for!

***

The workshop has grown into a pile of about 40 slides now, but it is still in a draft version.

Shouldn’t I feel super ashamed now that I am so stubborn and resistant? No, there is another way to look at this. Rather than to burden myself with additional guilt,  I can choose to think about it as an interesting research project. Resist and then observe with what tricks my guides come up. Can I do my PhD in resistology and procrastination?

I often wonder whether it is difficult to be a guide. I sure would have given up already on someone as stubborn as me! I so appreciate their patience and perseverance and am always in awe about the creative and humorous communication methods of the universe.

 

 

A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II

I am grateful that I have been invited to Barbara Franken’s challenge to share our awakening experiences, Part II .

     Since I didn’t participate in the first part of the challenge, I start with a short description of my awakening journey.

      During a period of overwhelm, I realized that I wanted inner peace more than anything else and that all usual self-help methods had failed so far. This was the start of my journey in 2006.

      After that, the universe led me on a trail. I read a lot about NDEs and reincarnation stories, all of which was mind-blowing to me coming from a scientific background. Then I devoured channeled stuff about spiritual principles (we are consciousness; consciousness is one and creative), as well as A Course In Miracles (ACIM) which is a Jesus channeling about forgiveness. I also consumed many personal accounts of contemporary enlightened ones. I had become a hardcore spiritual seeker in the non-duality department, aiming for enlightenment.

      In 2009, I got my major ‘forgiveness opportunity’ where I could practice the principles of ACIM; I found myself in a situation where I felt exploited. This brought on the feeling of helplessness and huge anger attacks. For the coming years, it was my main challenge to deal with this anger.

      I never went to any spiritual meeting and never had a teacher (other than books and youtube videos). But the universe acted as my teacher, with stick and carrot. When I was off-path (i.e. angry), I got burned out light bulbs and all sorts of weird electrical behavior around me. When I was in inner peace, little wishes tended to be fulfilled in miraculous ways.

      Apart from this stick-versus-carrot-teaching, there were many experiences on the path which I interpreted as lessons. I started to realize that inner peace seems to be very much encouraged by the universe. It is not just another emotion, but it is Home. I found out by experience that thoughts coupled with emotion do manifest reality. Some dreams about the future  seemed to teach me that there is a timeless place in me which just knows the future. I was taught by experience that we are connected via consciousness.

      I went through a dark night of the soul and was forced to let go of the attachment to many parts of the former ‘me’.

      By focusing attention backwards at the ‘sense of I AM’, I found a place inside which is very peaceful. Staying in that peace inside granted access to a  new navigation mode. Wishing and allowing instead of striving and struggling. Learning to read the communication signs of the universe instead of relying on other people’s opinions and best-of-breed processes.

      I had some experiences that showed me  that I am consciousness and that the world is like painted on me.

      Access to the still small inner voice became clearer and offered me advice. I realized that divine guidance showed up in many different ways, via dreams, songs in the head, and patterns of events with literal or metaphorical meaning.

      Up to 2012, my path was characterized by the hunger for books about spiritual knowledge, the awe about all the formerly unseen realms, and also by the huge anger attacks (which lessened somewhat with the help of ACIM lessons).

      In 2012, something new happened. The inner voice asked me to share what I had experienced. But I did not feel ready for it nor entitled to do so. After all, I still have very much an ego and a self. How can I write when I am not enlightened yet? And I reacted with huge fear and panic to that request.

      Slowly and in baby steps, I went forward, sharing anonymously in a forum first. Then, end of 2014,  I started this WordPress blog (only upon request by the inner voice and only after much resistance and some health issues).

      2015 was about meeting fellow travelers on the spiritual journey. Oh, how many different paths there are! But I don’t seem to fit into any of them. Where do I turn when I have no clue about astrology, when I have a hard time appreciating poetry, when I am confused by lightworker lingo and Buddhist vocabulary as well? When I have no knowledge or desire to quote any of the philosophical ‘-isms’ out there. Can’t read auras. Can’t see ghosts. Haven’t had a spectacular Kundalini awakening. I am a mixed breed of everything and nothing.

      But in a dream I was encouraged to ‘just share my peanuts with fellow travelers’.

Where am I now?

      I find myself drawn to bloggers who share their spiritual journey, with all its ugly and beautiful aspects. I realized that despite all the differences of the various paths, the underlying subject is the desire to regain the lost paradise.
I have become more at ease with sharing on my blog and more spontaneous in commenting.  The community here with the large variety of spiritual bloggers is wonderful. Even though I don’t fit into any path or tradition in particular, I still can connect with many of you.

      Since I have decided to remove myself from the exploitative situation, the anger has lessened considerably. Anger and grief do still come up at times, but less frequently and less severely.

      Frequently, I wonder about the many different spiritual paths, their advantages and disadvantages. How come they eventually end up with the same insight, the falling away of the illusion of the separate self,  if they start out with  different belief systems? Are there common milestones for everyone on this spiritual journey? How to create a map for this uncharted terrain? How to use a common language?

       I am also wondering about my day job. Working in a corporate culture sometimes feels like a field study of the coping mechanisms for the illusion of separation. With detached amusement, I watch the rat race and sometimes wonder about the pointlessness of the human endeavors. I see the mechanisms of fear and all its ugly stepchildren. On the other hand, the universe does not make a distinction between private life and work, and therefore the dynamics of the single invisible hand of Source (e.g. synchronicities, miracles, ego-shredding dynamics) can be observed at my day job as well as in any other circumstances.

      After I had overcome this big hurdle of fear regarding blogging, I thought, ‘Now, I can relax.’ But I continue to get these little homework assignments from spirit (youtube video, maybe a Facebook page, prepare workshop about forms of divine guidance and more).  And I struggle with my resistance to each and every new request. Why isn’t blogging enough? I don’t want to have my lifestyle disrupted. Yes, I do like to talk about the spiritual journey one-on-one over lunch. But the thought of having to organize workshops, of traveling, and of marketing makes me cringe with fear. The inner discussion with my spirit guide about this topic would probably fill a book.

      I realize that this phase is about overcoming fear. Surrender is the way forward. And it is not a one time thing. It is a new surrender to every request from spirit.

      Sometimes I think that everything is perfect as it is and that my resistance is perfect, too. It is the only way I can get the full range of divine guidance, in dreams, signs, songs in the mind, etc.. Soft nudges as well as stern warnings and threats. Only this way I am well equipped enough to share about divine guidance.

      But often, the requests of the inner voice bother me. Then, I wonder whether Buddhists hear a still small voice of guidance, too. If not, maybe I should become Buddhist and tell the inner voice to shut up because it is just an illusion, hehe.

***

The next post in this blogging challenge is by Marga on http://lifeasimprov.com/ .

Phases of the journey

The spiritual journey consists of several phases.

Phase 1) Searching happiness ‘out there’.
Peace, joy, and fulfillment seem to be out there in the future, if we could just get that new job/car/partner/house/child. But the happiness found in the achievement of a new goal is fleeting at best.

Welcome to the human condition.

Phase 2) Searching and finding happiness ‘in here’.
This is an inward movement. Downsizing outer distractions like TV or social activities and withdrawing into the metaphorical cave for meditating.

This phase involves a painful stripping away of the attachment to the former personality (see my post about the Dark Night of the Soul).

Eventually, we find the unconditional Source of peace and joy inside of us. Job/car/partner/house/child may still be there, but they are no longer a requirement for happiness.

Phase 3) Returning to the marketplace
During this phase, the inner peace is tested while being active in the marketplace of life.

Walking through the rings of fear
For me, this phase is about sharing the insights of the spiritual journey. Getting out there and becoming visible, open, and vulnerable. It requires me to leave my comfort zone.

As of summer 2012, the usual chain of events in my experience goes like this:

At first, there is a call by the universe that I need to share in a particular format (anonymous in a forum, for starters, but with full name in a blog later). That call is delivered via the inner voice and is usually enforced by outer signs.

If I resist because of fear (which I usually do), I experience a strong sense of guilt and then there is a talk by my spirit guide. At first a gentle coaxing which turns into a stern lecture later.

If I still resist (which I usually do), there are dreams which tell me that I am procrastinating and which soon turn into warnings (“Share, or else…”).

And if I still resist (which I sometimes do), there are consequences like clogged drains mirroring my resistance, or even health problems.

Relief from the guilt and fear is found, once I yield and do what Source wants me to do.

Recently, I was told by my spirit guide to speak and share in a video format. After the usual battle of resistance (including health issues in the throat chakra region), I finally gave in and recorded this short video about the phases of the spiritual journey (1:30)
https://youtu.be/9z3O8flnm9s