We still needed to find a psychotherapist for my transgender son, but it looked like nobody was available close to where we lived. So, we tried to go to a therapist who was farther away, but who had experiences with trans kids and who was also recommended by an association of parents of trans children. We would have to drive there for almost about 45 minutes by car, but maybe it was worth it. We had hope.
Ms. Brown (*not her real name) quickly gave us an appointment. We were thankful for that.
I was present during the first session with Finn. Ms. Brown was understanding and open and told us that thirteen years of age was not at all too young to have a coming out as trans. She would counsel much younger children. Some knew during kindergarten age that they were trans.
Sounds good, right? Finally, someone who showed some understanding. We were full of hope.
Finn had the first five probationary sessions (they were free of charge for us; they are meant for testing whether the relationship between therapist and patient is working), and afterward, the health insurance company agreed to cover the costs of the following sessions. I was thankful that my husband was supportive and did the driving.
But our hope turned to disappointment over the course of the next weeks.
During the five sessions with Ms. Brown, Finn was annoyed because he had to undergo several tests and always had to justify why he felt like a boy. Ms. Brown seemed bothered by the fact that he didn’t have the hobbies typical for a boy. Finn couldn’t and didn’t want to justify and defend why he felt like a boy even though he liked dancing and drawing much more than soccer. I wasn’t present during these sessions, but I imagine that Finn was annoyed and then in turn, Ms. Brown was annoyed because Finn was just bluntly honest and not a people pleaser.
Then there were some irritating contradictions. Even though Ms. Brown had initially said that coming out at age thirteen was not at all too young, during the following sessions with Finn (when I was not present anymore), she stated that his coming out in puberty was pretty young, and he couldn’t really know at that age whether he was trans or not.
There were some other red flags indicating that Ms. Brown was not the right therapist for us. For example, she said that once Finn took testosterone, he would not be able to have kids anymore later. That isn’t entirely true. There are trans men who went off testosterone temporarily and then became pregnant. The chance to conceive can be lower, however.
Then Ms. Brown changed the frequency of the sessions. Initially, she said Finn would need to come once every four weeks. This was okay for us. The long drive would be feasible once a month. However, after the first five sessions were over, Ms. Brown said Finn needed to come to see her every other week. Twice as often as previously agreed upon. This would be too much of a burden on our time.
So, Finn called her and asked why he needed to come more often than planned.
During that phone call, Ms. Brown lost it. She refused to continue the treatment. She said that Finn was uncooperative. And she would need more time with him to figure out whether he was really trans or not. But because he appeared to be so uncooperative, she didn’t want to treat him anymore.
Well…sigh!
So, before Christmas in 2016, there was still no medical certificate for the school. The teachers continued to use his deadname (his previous name). Finn was suffering. He wouldn’t raise his hand at school because being called by the old name was painful. His grades dropped. It was painful for me to see him unhappy.
I tried to see the good in this turn of events. At least we didn’t have to drive one hour by car to Finn’s psychotherapy sessions anymore.
There were other parents of trans kids for whom Ms. Brown was a wonderful therapist. These other parents had to drive even longer by car to see her. But for them, the long drive was worth it. These other kids were more the typical cases where the children knew already at age three that they were trans. Or if they came out later in puberty, at least they would have shown gender non-conforming behavior earlier in childhood. Like the child assigned female at birth who was always the tomboy. Such a child would be able to come out as a trans boy in puberty and get the stamp of approval by Ms. Brown.
But Finn didn’t fit any mold. He was neither a girl, nor was he the typical trans child. Life can be hard for those who don’t fit into any box and depend on the mercy of other people.
From Ms. Brown’s point of view, she was probably just doing her job very conscientiously, making sure that the trans diagnosis would be valid and not too rash.
What to do now? We had still hope. There was another psychiatrist who could give us the medical certificate for the school.
***
This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.
Spiritual Awakening 