As I lay half-awake in bed around 3 am on May 14, the inner voice started to talk again. At first, with compliments and congratulations regarding the recent workshop on divine guidance.
But then it said, “I want you to hold an internationally available online seminar”. And afterwards, I had the song “Live is Life” in my head. I guess that meant it had to be a ‘live’ webinar.
§@$§&%.!!!
*Sigh*.
Ok, it is not that bad. After all, I am not required to travel, book venues, invent a logo, print flyers, and all that stuff. It will just be webinar. Just talking into a lifeless camera hole for about an hour. I should be able to accomplish that.
Originally, I had planned to do the workshop on divine guidance end of March 2017 and then to retreat into cave time again in order to rest and heal more. Maybe my rheumatoid arthritis would improve after a past-life regression hypnosis? I wanted to focus on self-care and healing.
I did not dare to listen to the inner voice because I was afraid it would tell me bluntly what I had to do next. And I am fed up with constantly getting new tasks.
But only about a week after I had posted the script of the workshop, I already got this new assignment.
Afterwards, my usual course of events started, similar to what I have described in ‘the universe’s bag of tricks’.
Resistance, followed by dreams that tried to persuade me with metaphors that I ‘needed to nurture my baby’. That it would be ‘a piece of cake’. That it is a ‘leap of faith’ which is required and which will lead me to happiness. An inner voice which told me that I must speak.
More resistance, followed by dreams that threatened me (-in one of them a person dressed in a skeleton costume walked behind me, as if to tell me that death is going after me if I resist).
Still more resistance, and I got clogged drains everywhere and other mirroring patterns (for example, no network connections or people not answering my comments and emails).
More resistance, and now I feel a tightness in my throat chakra again. Just like back in 2013, when I resisted sharing anything of my experiences at all.
Alright. So, I will have to do this webinar if I don’t want to feel choked again.
I wonder where this will lead to. I can see the puzzle pieces falling into place. This blog, the youtube video, the divine guidance workshop. It is all about coming out of hiding and sharing. Expressing myself, becoming visible, and speaking up. And I find it stressful each time I get a new assignment.
I often wonder why I am chosen to speak about guidance even though I am so resistant. Or maybe it is exactly because I am so resistant? Maybe I will teach what I need to learn? Not only listening to guidance, but also how the process of surrendering happens in slow motion?
Whenever I asked some channels about these patterns, the answer was always, “Follow your joy.” Yeah, good idea! My joy is journaling and taking walks in nature. But anything that has to do with workshops is stress. Therefore, it feels as if I have to choose between my joy and my guidance. That is probably not how it is supposed to be.
Rather, I am often thinking of the story of Jonah. He was guided to go and preach in Nineveh but resisted. He got on a turbulent cruise trip instead and then got a ride in the stomach of a whale which transported him to his destination. Eventually, he had to give up his resistance.
Sure, Jonah, just ‘follow your joy’, and all will be well? Nope. It does not always work that way.
Also, this Bible passage speaks to me
“That servant who knows his master’s will but does not get ready or follow his instructions will be beaten with many blows.” (Luke 12:47) That means once I know what I am expected to do, I better follow it. If I don’t, I will get into trouble. That has been exactly my experience over and over again since 2013.
So, the phase I am going through is still about coming into alignment with the will of my higher self and it feels like I am being kept on an ever shortening leash.
I had other plans after the workshop in March. But if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
Spiritual Awakening 