PC issues mirroring intense emotions

One day in October 2014, intense sadness about the situation at work came up. Not only was I still not promoted, but I had just found out that the information about everyone’s career level was now internally visible for everyone in our company who would care to find out. (Yeah, I know, probably nobody cared anyway.)

I felt anger because this had suddenly been published. I didn’t remember having been informed about it. It’s none of anyone’s business to know about my career level, is it? Why on earth did someone suddenly decide to make this information internally visible? But even more than anger, I felt a deep sense of shame and sadness about that. I wanted to stay away from everyone and be alone, drowning in my grief.

My guidance tried to soothe me in many ways. Talking to me, sending me a dream as a warning, sending me a happy song. But to no avail. I just wanted to shut myself off from everyone and be left alone.

Five days later when I was still in that bad mood, I logged in to my PC at work. But, what a surprise, I could not get connection to the company network. In particular, that meant no phone to call the hotline and no means to open a service request. I had to ask two colleagues for help to create an online service request for me.

When I finally managed to talk to someone from the IT support, they diagnosed the issue and said that for some weird reason the ‘Global’ group was missing on my PC. And probably someone would have to come to my PC to recreate it.

Then, I left my desk to get a cup of tea and managed to become silent and think about what might have caused this issue.

Suddenly it dawned on me that this weird behavior of my PC mirrored my bad mood and my wish to be left alone. I mean I was shut off from the network, literally.  So, I managed to confess that to myself and then went back to my desk.

To my surprise, the network connection was now working again even though nobody from the support had restored any ‘Global’ group on my PC.

Two things are noteworthy in this story:

A) Processing emotions on this journey is a tricky thing for me. Suppression is not good as this can lead to health issues. But feeling the emotion and then drowning in it can also lead to unwanted side effects.

B) There is amazing power in forgiveness of such events. I have repeatedly found that technical issues vanish when I realize that they just mirror something inside of me.
(Other stories are Power of forgiveness and Forgiveness and lost emails).


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Guides don’t do our homework

I asked what I should do with my life. What the heck is my mission in this incarnation? If my guides could please just let me know. Everything could be so much easier if they could just frankly tell me what I needed to do.

Afterwards, I got the following dream (Sept, 2014):

My son has some homework to do in mathematics. But he is too slow. Therefore, I attempt to help and solve the tasks for him.

Then the scene shifts. And this time, the homework is like a board with little light bulbs and electric cables and circuits. It is obvious that the task is to get all the light bulbs to go on by putting all the cables and plugs into the right places.

This time, if the student makes an error, there is a red warning light and an alarm sound.

I interpreted the message of this dream as : ‘Sorry, we cannot let you know what you have to do in this lifetime. This would be as if you did the homework for your son. He would not learn anything. Figuring out your life’s mission is like putting the electric plugs into the right place. If you do it the wrong way, there will be plenty of warning signals.’


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


I am not the doer

In May 2014, I had an experience that made me question my assumption about myself. Here, I repost the blog entry I’m not the doer :

A while ago, I was inquiring into the aggregates of the little ‘me’, this separate entity, which is a sticky illusion.

And one thing I was stuck with was the sense of being the author of an action. I know I am awareness, and the body-mind arises in awareness (and not the other way round) – and yet there is this sense that this body-mind can choose to do an action. I was reading Consciousness Speaks by Ramesh Balsekar, and he repeats over and over that we are not the ‘doer’ of an action but that the action happens through us.

Theoretically, I understood that, but I longed for an experience that would make it clear to me.

Now, imagine Source smiling behind the curtain, thinking, ‘Let’s have some fun with her and teach her this lesson.’

On the next weekend, I went for a short walk to the woods. The rest of my family stayed inside. I left the house, shut the door, and walked 20 minutes to a bench. I sat down, relaxed and enjoyed the beauty of the hillside and the trees. After a while, I decided to get up and go back home.

All of a sudden, I realized I didn’t have my waist pack with me (which I usually use for keys, money, etc).

OMG! Panic. My mind started racing. The keys, credit cards, driver’s license… I went back to the bench. No waist pack there. Then, I started running back home. Was it lost along the way?

After a few minutes, my mind calmed down. No way, I could have lost the waist pack. I would have noticed that. I probably had forgotten to take it with me in the first place.

I arrived at home , my children opened the door and the waist pack and keys were safely at home.

What a relief!

What did I learn from that?

I have never forgotten my keys before. I used to assume that this is due to the fact I am a well-organized person and in control of my actions.

Ha! How wrong! I am not in control.

That lesson proved to me that the thought ‘Now take the waist pack with me before I go out’ is put into my mind from outside. That means this body-mind is not the author of the action.

How humbling for my ego to realize that the body-mind is on remote control!

I’m always fascinated to see how the universe acts as a teacher and how requests for lessons are answered in a gentle but powerful way.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Bringing spirituality to earth: the Golden Rule

On March 24, 2014, in the receptive phase between sleep and awakening, I had a vision.
I saw the outlines of two people (probably guides), and one of them had a kind of sword or stick in his hand which he was moving fast downwards.

And during the motion, there was purple light on the upper side of the stick and red light on the lower side, like flames.

Then the guide said, „This is something you are going to need now.“

What did that mean?

At that time, I experimented with Aura-Soma equilibrium oils, little bottles with two phases of liquid with various color combinations and scents and different healing effects. I wondered, would I need to buy the  mixture no. 65 which was purple on  top and red on the bottom half?

The oil no. 65 had the description “bringing spirituality to earth”. So, I guessed that this was probably the meaning they intended to convey.

It turned out that that vision was an announcement of the experiences I would have later.

Don’t interfere in another’s work

One of my children got a bad grade in his math test. And, even worse, when I checked his correction, I saw that he had done it sloppily.

I became upset and admonished him to do the correction again. But he was still reluctant. Isn’t this my job as mother to check that the homework is done properly, and if not, then to ask for a correction? I felt that my action was totally justified.

But only two days later, something happened which made me wonder.

I had just completed some piece of computer coding. I wanted to get it quickly off my to-do list and had done the coding in a quick-and-dirty style.

Then, one of my colleagues looked at the coding and sent me a mail, inquiring why I hadn’t written the coding in a different way.

I was mad. This was none of his business. It was my coding. Why did he think that he could interfere? Why did I need to justify my coding style to him?

After my anger had cooled down, I saw the reciprocity of events. My interference in my child’s homework and my colleague’s interference in my work.


But reciprocity did also work in other ways. During the same time period, I gave book as a surprise gift to a friend of mine.

Shortly afterwards, another friend of mine came to me and returned two books which I had lent her. As a thank you, she gave me a voucher for a bookstore. How great!

It seemed as if the vision of the purple and red flames around the stick was about “bringing spirituality to earth”, and that meant being aware of reciprocity or the Golden Rule.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


The link between consciousness and creation

I had been very interested in the awareness which I am.  And I looked back at it in the AWA meditation and found peace and joy there.

Okay. So far, so good.

But then there was this visible, tangible 3d world going on which was not at all formless awareness.

What was the connection between that and the pure potential no-thing-ness of awareness? How come there is so much stuff which can be seen and touched in this emptiness of I AM? According to the teachings, this is all one. Yet it seems so different. I couldn’t wrap my head around this. So, I kept begging to get this secret answered.

I want to share three stories that provided answers to these questions.

Manifesting french fries

One morning in November 2013, I was with colleagues in the office and we were chatting about diet. Everyone contributed their favorite tips and strategies.

I said, “Usually, I try to avoid carbohydrates for dinner and sometimes even for lunch. But here at work, when there are french fries in the cafeteria at lunch, then I cannot resist. I must have them. Because I love french fries.” And I repeated it three times to emphasize how much I love french fries – with plenty of mayonnaise.

About two hours afterwards, I went to the cafeteria for lunch and was delighted to see that burger and french fries were on the menu on that day. How yummy!

So, I put a burger and one serving of fries on my tray.

Then I left the tray on the side and took just the plate with the burger to another table where I could get onions and other toppings.

But when I came back to my tray, there was a surprise.

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a second small bowl of french fries on my tray. How come? Who put it there? I made sure that this was in fact my tray and not anyone else’s.

Then I burst into laughter. Hadn’t I just told my colleagues several times how much I just loved french fries. No wonder, I got a second bowl of them on my tray.

That story would fit rather into the category of manifestation and not in the category of lessons and tests. But I place it here under “lessons”, because that was the day when it really sank in that things are created by what I think and say and how I feel about it. Thinking about french fries, talking about them, feeling the emotion of ‘how yummy, I just love’em‘ – all of that together was what brought surprise gift of the second bowl of fries to me.

About the creation of challenges

I have a friend who is a helper type personality. She is loving and generous and helps many people. And boy does she have many people to help!

When I listened to her stories, I always wondered how come that she attracts so many people into her life who need help in so many different areas. In my own life, this would never happen. Why did it happen for her?

I figured that the answer was probably that she defined herself as someone who helps others. And that she therefore needed this constant interaction of being helpful for others for keeping her sense of self alive. And so, this need for others whom she can help literally created and called people and circumstances into her experience.

Now, it can be easier to see these dynamics at work in others. But what about myself?

The insight hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had my own set of attributes of my self-definition. For me, they were not about helping others, but about being smart.

And what did I constantly need to reinforce that sense of self?

Intellectual challenges which I had to overcome and solve in order to feel good.

These challenges would show up in many ways. It could be that my kids got sick and then I had to figure out which homeopathic remedy would fit best (- which was often like solving a difficult puzzle). Or it could be a challenging mathematical proof to solve (during my PhD thesis) or  bug in the computer coding at work which was tricky to fix. And at the end, even though I would always find myself exhausted and pissed that life is such a struggle,  I would always have my sense of self reinforced as someone who is smart and able to solve these challenges.

That insight pulled the rug out from under me.

What if the all the troubles in my outside world were not just there because the outside world existed independently of me? What if I had attracted them to me as a sort of entertainment? So that I could reinforce my sense of being a smart and capable person?

Would I still need all these challenges in my life to feel that I am a valuable person?


And I decided to drop that need for self-definition. And in turn the challenges started to fall away.

So, the above stories were two answers about how the visible and tangible 3d realm was created by the invisible no-thingness, the pure potential in us – by focus and intention, be it conscious or unconscious.

Idea precedes 3d form

But still, I could not understand how exactly are 3d forms made from consciousness? There just seemed to be no connection. So, I kept begging and begging.

Then in August 2014, I had the following dream:
It was dark and I was with many people standing marketplace. We were all watching a blacksmith with hammer an anvil who was in the middle of the square. On the anvil, there was a transparent light-blue form. To my surprise, I realized that it looked like an overly long and thin, erect penis. The transparent light-blue color of it was the only color in the dream scene. Everything else was dark and black.

Suddenly, a voice said, “This is designed to be cuddled.”

Then I woke up.

“I get that this was meant to show me how an idea (represented by the transparent light-blue shade) precedes the 3d physical form,” I said to my guides. “But why did you choose a penis to illustrate this?”

The inner voice replied, “To grab your attention.”

LOL. Sometimes, my guides have a weird sense of humor.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Two revelations about awareness

In 2012, I had focused my attention back on awareness itself which gave my joy and peace. But still, I wanted to dig deeper. Around June 2013, I was still focused on awareness. If awareness is what I am and if I am at the same time in everything, then I yearned for a clearer experiential understanding of that. How can I experience that I am pure awareness? And what is the connection between the awareness and the visible 3d world?

And as it often happened, such an intense wish had the power to call experiences to me which would answer my urgent questions.

The balloon-skin experience

One day around June 2013, I was waking up slowly in my bed. I felt as mere consciousness. There was nothing in me, not even my body. The strange thing was that I felt expanded. What came to my mind as a metaphor was that it was like the skin of an inflated balloon.

Then, slowly my body , the bed, and the walls of the room would come into my field of awareness. And they appeared to be as if painted on the balloon-like skin of consciousness.

I had read about Ramana Maharshi’s  metaphor that we as awareness are like the screen on which movies are playing. What we are is the changeless movie screen. And the ever-changing bodies are appearing on it. But the screen is untouched by what is appearing on it.

Now, this consciousness-as-balloon-skin experience was somewhat like the movie-screen metaphor. One could probably argue about what the balloon-shape meant. I sensed that it pointed to the fact that the awareness was something which was one dimension higher (3d) than what was ‘painted’ on it (body, bed, wall = 2d) even though that interpretation is not totally consistent with a 2d balloon skin (bent in 3d) and 2d things painted on it (also slightly bent in 3d).

Vast nothingness

The second revelation was preceded by the following dream in June, 2013:
I see a man on a metallic staircase. There is a little boy of maybe 2 years of age, naked with diapers, who is running after the man on the staircase. It appears as if the boy is begging or bothering the man somehow.

Then a second man  comes into the scene and talks to the first man. After that, the first man seems to have made a decision. He says, “Okay, at one time it has to be done. He cannot procrastinate forever.” And with these words, he pushes the little boy down the staircase.

The boy falls down and lands on his diapers. I cringe and think, ‘How cruel! I hope they have used a stunt for this scene.’ I watch as I see a baby tooth and some blood come out of the boy’s mouth. He seems unharmed and says, like in astonishment, “Papa!”.

Interpretation: I was the little boy running after my guide (man no 1). A second guide came in and convinced the first guide to give me what I was begging for. Then my guide made a decision to give me a push to get me to grow up (losing the baby tooth) and to get to see the Father (‘Papa’).

As it turned out, that dream was like an announcement of what was to come.

The next evening, I went to bed and could not breathe properly. I had had one sip of red wine during dinner, and that seemed to cause some allergic reaction in my throat. So, I did my best to try to fall asleep, always thinking that I would suffocate if I relaxed too deeply. So, my state was not totally relaxed, but a strange mixture of alertness and relaxation. I figured later that the red wine and the suffocating sensation were probably necessary for the following experience to occur.

In the middle of the night, I had the experience that I was a point of  consciousness in a vast nothingness. I was conscious, aware, but I had no form, no body (neither the physical nor an astral one). There was no thought in me. And around me, there was huge, black nothingness. Then the thought appeared, ‘Wow, this is so vast!’  And after that, I woke up.

I regard these two experiences together with the awareness-watching-awareness meditation as very important milestones on my spiritual journey.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).




A dream pointing to an important book

On Dec 22, 2012, I had the following dream, I was sitting at a table across from a  guy. We were playing a board game that was designed like a map.

Behind me, stood a slim, tall man with a bald head. With a friendly smile on his face, this bald guy suddenly said, ‘Now I have to take this map away from you.’

Then the map was gone. And my opponent for the game was gone, too.

Astonished, I got up and wandered through rooms with white tiles on the floor and on the walls.

There were naked dancing women in these rooms. I asked them, ‘Have you seen the other player of my game?’ No, they were clueless and totally oblivious of anything except their own dance.

I was pissed. Who dared to take my map and my opponent away?

Then I woke up.

On Christmas Eve 2012, I got the book The Direct Path by Greg Goode, which I had put on my Christmas wish list. The book consisted mostly of exercises pointing to the awareness which is always there for every experience we have.

Then I noticed that the picture of the author featured a bald guy with a friendly smile. Was he the guy in my dream which I had just two days ago? I thought so. And because the dream seemed to point out that this book would be important for me to read, I made my way through the exercises even though I am usually more fond of reading stories.

The book pointed consistently to the background of silent awareness, which is always there prior to every experience. And this gave me a crucial insight. I had always thought, ‘Yes, I have understood that I am awareness. But it still feels as if I sit in my head right between my ears and as if awareness comes from my brain.’  But after doing the exercises, I got it that the feeling that there is a head is something that is contained in awareness – and not the other way round.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Troubles and tests

End of September 2012, during the time where I was decluttering the house like crazy, I sat down and thought about what I wanted our house to be like. I wrote down words like ‘space, light, color, yellow, white, beauty, simplicity, clean, relaxed, easy, natural, joy, peace, freedom, carefree’.

It was an attempt to create some sense of serenity by rearranging things ‘out there’. My inner state at that time was very active regarding the decluttering and decoration of the house. However, regarding communicating and sharing my insights about the spiritual journey, I felt nothing but tremendous apathy. So, it wasn’t the case  that I was missing inner peace, but I wasn’t on track regarding what my soul wanted either.

This little writing exercise seemed like a natural thing to do – focus and envision what I want and then write it down.

However, I wasn’t prepared for what would follow.

Immediately, my family members started to act up. My husband yelled at my older son for no reason at all. My younger son misbehaved at school and we had to talk to his teacher. My older son demanded that I help him with his homework, but then he wouldn’t let me into his room. And he kept slamming the doors just in order to make a lot of noise and wake me up from my nap. It was like a conspiracy of the entire family to make life like hell. And in addition, my youngest son got pneumonia again which added to my stress level.

Eventually, the situation resolved after a couple of days and I found back to inner peace and gratitude. But what was going on? It seemed as if my wish for a peaceful environment and my visualization exercise provoked exactly the opposite of peace. I wondered why. And I still haven’t come up with a definite conclusion. Maybe it was that the wish for peace brought everything to the surface which was not in alignment? Or more likely, maybe I was shown that peace has to come from my inside of me rather than wishing for a peaceful environment?

I included this example here because it shows that things do not always go according to what we have been taught in books. It also shows that I found it not always easy to interpret what happened on my spiritual journey. Often, there was a lot of questioning and doubting what a certain combination of inner state and outer events meant.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Trust and tests

One evening in June 2012 just before falling asleep, I had a vision. I was alone in empty space and my eyes were blindfolded. I held a big hand which was without any body attached to it. And as I walked forward, for each step that I took a stepping stone would appear under my foot just in time.

That image seemed to tell me to trust more. I would be guided every step of the way.
That does not mean that I was able to have this level of trust right away. But I was guided to it in baby steps.

A couple of days later, my younger son got a very bad cold. I was lying my bed, my feverish child child in my arms, listening to his difficult breathing. I tried to remain in inner peace, but it was difficult. I was too worried. I guessed that it was probably not just a bad cold, but more likely already a pneumonia.

I was used to treat not only my rheumatoid arthritis but also acute illnesses with homeopathy, and I asked myself how I would be able to handle this one. If possible, I would prefer not to use allopathic medicine.

But when I tried to relax and get some inspiration on which homeopathic remedies to use, I suddenly got a vision of something strange. It looked like a mixture of cooked spinach with cream. Or I could also interpret it as mold. What the heck did that mean?

Then it occurred to me that a certain type of mold produces the antibiotic penicillin. Would the vision mean that my son would need antibiotics this time? This put me on alert.

When we went to the doctor later, she prescribed antibiotics. And fortunately, they worked and my son recovered quickly.

The pneumonia was not the only troubling situation during this time. More things happened around my son which tempted me worry that he wasn’t safe. And always, it appeared to be my responsibility to make sure that he was safe. What a burden!

Afterwards I asked my guidance what this course of events was all about. This time, the answer came through a book I was reading at that time. It was a channeled text which contained the explanation, “You are creating situations for yourself that trigger old beliefs to rise so that you can see them and release them.”

I took that as a sign that I needed to trust more.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).


Insights and integration: what is an appropriate action?

I regard coming to see myself as awareness as the arrival on the metaphorical mountaintop of my spiritual journey. Afterwards the downhill part of the journey started.

I think of the downhill part as two strands. Strand A is about integration, that means  getting lessons, going through tests, and gaining some insights. It is also about developing intuition and courage, and about divine help and manifestation.

Strand B is about guidance to share and my resistance or surrender to it. Since this resistance vs surrender topic was huge for me, I present it as a separate strand. As a visualization for strand B, I chose a river. Resistance to the flow is like running in circles at the riverside. Surrender is like being in the river and going with the flow.

I have thought about how to structure this properly and come up with the decision that I will start with stories of strand A  roughly in the order in which they occurred in time,  and then I will mix in stories of strand B when they fit.

What is an appropriate action?

Around May 2012, I’ve had some events and also dreams around the question ‘What is an appropriate action?’

On the spiritual path, we are often told that we should do what Love would do. But here,  it can get difficult. What is it exactly that Love would have us do?

Regarding the time frame, these stories occurred during the time period on the mountaintop. But since the topic is about lessons, I place them here.

Rejected book recommendations

For example, I had come upon a website where someone wrote reviews about many of his favorite spiritual books. Through his site, I had found Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God  which had touched me deeply. So, I contacted him and thanked him for his book recommendations.

Then I thought since he was an avid reader, maybe he would like to know more great book titles. And so, I shared books which I had liked a lot, like Life of a Yogi  by Paramahansa Yogananda, Path to No-Self  by Bernadette Roberts, and ACIM.

But  he rejected every single one of these books. Then, he even admonished me not too read too much. He said that the path wasn’t about the books. But what really counted was the application in real life.

I agreed that it was about application in real life. But I was just starting on this spiritual journey and was hungry for reading. I devoured books in every free minute of my otherwise busy life. Imagine getting that admonishment not to read too much from someone who had published reviews of about hundred books on his own website! Why was it okay for him to read a lot, and why was it not okay for me to read a lot? I was a bit surprised to say the least.

After that event, I thought, ‘Was it an appropriate action to share my favorite book titles with him at all?’

It felt like the right and most loving thing to do. But shouldn’t my intuition have warned me that it was futile and not an appropriate action at all?

Last minute movie tickets

In another story, I had wished to see the movie The Intouchables.

At 6 pm, my husband checked the internet and found out that it would be shown at 7 pm right in our movie theater in our town.

So, we had dinner and then arrived at the cinema at 7 pm and got the last two tickets – and these were even two places just next to each other.

It all worked out perfectly. So, last minute decision to go and watch this movie obviously was an example of an  appropriate action.

The melon and the bus driver

Then I had a dream. I wanted to bring a water melon to a bus driver. I remember running to the bus driver while carrying the heavy and big water melon in my hands. It was awkward and exhausting for me, but I felt very determined to bring my gift to the bus driver.

The bus driver was about to drive away. But as he saw me, he got out of the bus in order to take my melon.

Suddenly his bus drove off all by itself without the bus driver in it.

I thought that the dream meant to tell me that even a well-meant action can have bad consequences. I saw it as a lesson that I should never be so sure that my well-meant actions will always be in alignment with what my Higher Self wanted me to do.

I felt reminded of a funny advertisement video (in German, 36 seconds) where an old lady is waiting at the bus stop. A young man comes up to her and assumes that she wants to cross the street. So, he grabs her arm and leads her across the street even though she protests. When she gets to the other side of the street, her bus arrives but she cannot enter the bus anymore because she is on the wrong side of the street. The young man, however, walks away, seemingly very content with himself about the good deed he has just done.

Now, what is an appropriate action? How come that people sometimes do harmful things even if it comes from a place of good intention? I had no answer. I was only made aware of the issue.


This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).