The universe’s bag of tricks

I want you to hold a workshop,’ said my spirit guide, while I was taking a walk alone outside in Jan 2015.  ‘A what? No way!’ was my initial response. ‘You know how much I hate having to organize my children’s birthday parties. I sure don’t feel like organizing a workshop.’

In front of me, a man was walking with a large dog on a leash. And right after my thought of resistance, he wrapped the dog leash around the belly of the dog in such a way that it became really short. This seemed to imply, ‘Remember, you are on a short leash!’   Afterwards, the dog was supposed to hop into the trunk of a car. But it refused. The man shouted, “Are you crazy?” and just lifted the dog into the trunk. That seemed to mean this would happen to me, too, when I resisted. Sigh. I would probably  have to yield at some point.

I had written a post about the many forms of divine guidance  and  was told by my inner voice that I should somehow turn this into a workshop format.

But doubts crept in. I would have to offer exercises. But how do I practice dream recall techniques in a workshop setting (when people are hopefully not sleeping)? More doubts came, about having to book a venue, marketing, travel, money issues. All of this resulted in me downright refusing to even think about it.

But the universe has its bag of tricks to convince resistant children.

The dishwasher mirrors my stubbornness
I seem to have a special affiliation with electric gadgets. They often stop working when I am not aligned with inner peace. And this time it was our dishwasher’s turn. The start button refused to work, or worked only after pushing it about 20 times. Not funny! Apparently, this was mirroring my stubbornness. Ok, breathe deep and say ‘Thy will be done’. And then the button started to behave well again. I am always amazed when forgiveness works.

Truck advice cheers me on
In summer 2015, I had agreed to write an outline at least, in order to demonstrate my willingness. I came across a truck with the inscription  www.nicht-bummeln.de which means ‘don’t dawdle’. I took this as advice to get started and wrote an early draft version.

The unsolved error ticket mirrors me
In December 2015, my efforts had somewhat stopped due to overwhelm in other areas of my life. I was extremely exhausted with no energy or creativity left over. There were no further pushes by the universe regarding the workshop. Maybe I didn’t need to do it after all? I turned within and asked, ‘Do you still want me to take care of this?’ This time, I did not get an inner voice or dream as an answer. But the universe used another very creative method to let me know.

In October, I had created an error ticket about a technical issue. And in December, about two months later, the ticket came back to me, not with a solution but with the innocent question , “Is this issue still not fixed and do you still want me to take care of it?”

My initial knee-jerk thought was, ‘Yes, of course, you [Bleep], unless you have invented any self-fixing bugs, you better take care of it!’

But then I calmed down and remembered that the universe often uses mirrors to reflect back to me what is buried in my consciousness. I admired the universe’s sense of creativity and felt humbled (and was able to answer more calmly).

WordPress posts about letting go of doubt
Even though I got plenty of messages, I still doubted them. ‘Is a pattern really no coincidence? Do I really hear my inner voice correctly? You want me to hold a workshop? Really? Me?’
On Dec 17, 2015, I got three messages to let go of doubt. Two of these came via blog posts, one was delivered over lunch by a friend. Three messages on one day about the same topic. That was no coincidence and made a pattern. The universe was telling me to let go of doubt.

Dream advice about handling fear
I turned within and asked how to deal with the fear and then got a dream about handling fear that suggested to take it step by step and to trust.
Additionally, my iPad sent me some push notifications of an app with the text, ‘I should be telling you that it is better to be safe than sorry, but sometimes safe can be boring.’
Another push notification said ‘Guts over Fear  is today’s new song’.

Inner voice begs me to visualize
My spirit guide begged me, ‘Allow the vision of yourself being on a stage speaking to people.’ Since I had downright refused the idea to do a workshop, I would never indulge in daydreams of how I would talk to a group of people about this topic. But obviously, daydreams are important. Thoughts coupled with emotion manifest reality. Therefore, I needed to allow some visualization exercise.

Magpies are telling me to express myself
I was staring out of my kitchen window when a magpie appeared on the street. And then another one and yet another one. Until there were six or seven of them. Magpies keep showing up often for me since several years now. When I was active in a forum, a new participant showed up with  the nickname ‘magpie’. And one day, I stood behind a guy with a sweatshirt with the inscription ‘magpie’ on it. Though there are several meanings connected with these birds, I interpret their frequent occurrence as a message to express myself and to consider the importance of voice (i.e., speak rather than write).

Cosmic push notifications
On Feb 16, 2016, my iPad suddenly started to switch from standby to active mode when sending me push notifications of apps. Apparently, the ‘do not disturb mode’ setting had been disabled all of a sudden. Hmm, what did this mean?
On the same day, I got a post and an email both with the word PUSH in it. That was a pattern again.

Ok, got it. Apparently, the grace period was over, and I got a push to get moving now.

Dream series about what is holding me back
In February 2016, I then had a dream where I was dancing Latin rumba with my spirit guide. I was dancing gracefully, but my legs could not move freely since they got stuck in the long Latin dress which was tied together on the floor. In my dreams, dancing is a symbol of communicating about the spiritual path. That meant that I could not communicate to the fullest extent since something was holding me back.
But what was holding me back? I asked spirit to show me. As an answer, I got  a mini-series of up to three dreams per night on about five consecutive days which addressed all the reasons which were holding me back. It was so much that my guide asked me in between, ‘Are you sure you can take more?‘ The most important point was lack of commitment and that this would make me prone to give up at the slightest obstacle. Other points were fear based decisions, desire for reward, doing too much for my children, dwelling on the past, laziness and sloppiness, and being concerned with what others think about me.

Sickness as a consequence of resistance
I have pain in one foot. Homeopathic treatment, which is my preferred method, just shifts symptoms around at the moment but does not heal. I remembered that the refusal to express myself in writing resulted in breathing issues in the throat. The throat chakra reacts if there is lack of expression. Likewise, I think that the issues in the foot might point to the root chakra (connected to trust and personal power), and I get a hunch that the pain will lessen once I commit fully to this workshop project.

Feeling drained versus energized
So many messages and the threat of illness as a consequence made me willing to comply. I got that I have to work on the workshop project.

But then another blog post came up that said that it is not enough to do things just because we feel pushed to do them. No! We need to do them because we enjoy them and because it makes our heart sing.

Yeah, I know that. Except that my situation feels like standing on top of a high building, staring down into water and being told to jump. ‘Just jump! And don’t jump just because we threaten you! Jump because you really enjoy it!‘  Well, nice suggestion. But, frankly, that did not feel feasible for me.

So, I turned within and asked, ‘Show me. How I can become more intrinsically motivated?’

And the answer came. These past weeks in March 2016,  I felt quite exhausted and drained as if no energy was left for mundane tasks of preparing meals or other household chores. I felt only energized when I worked on stuff which was related to the workshop about divine guidance. I took me a while to figure out that this stark contrast between feeling drained vs energized was probably the answer to my question.

Thanks for the information, dear universe, but the feeling of exhaustion sucks.
Note to self: Always be careful what you ask for!

***

The workshop has grown into a pile of about 40 slides now, but it is still in a draft version.

Shouldn’t I feel super ashamed now that I am so stubborn and resistant? No, there is another way to look at this. Rather than to burden myself with additional guilt,  I can choose to think about it as an interesting research project. Resist and then observe with what tricks my guides come up. Can I do my PhD in resistology and procrastination?

I often wonder whether it is difficult to be a guide. I sure would have given up already on someone as stubborn as me! I so appreciate their patience and perseverance and am always in awe about the creative and humorous communication methods of the universe.

 

 

A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II

I am grateful that I have been invited to Barbara Franken’s challenge to share our awakening experiences, Part II .
     Since I didn’t participate in the first part of the challenge, I start with a short description of my awakening journey.
      During a period of overwhelm, I realized that I wanted inner peace more than anything else and that all usual self-help methods had failed so far. This was the start of my journey in 2006.
      After that, the universe led me on a trail. I read a lot about NDEs and reincarnation stories, all of which was mind-blowing to me coming from a scientific background. Then I devoured channeled stuff about spiritual principles (we are consciousness; consciousness is one and creative), as well as A Course In Miracles (ACIM) which is a Jesus channeling about forgiveness. I also consumed many personal accounts of contemporary enlightened ones. I had become a hardcore spiritual seeker in the non-duality department, aiming for enlightenment.
      In 2009, I got my major ‘forgiveness opportunity’ where I could practice the principles of ACIM; I found myself in a situation where I felt exploited. This brought on the feeling of helplessness and huge anger attacks. For the coming years, it was my main challenge to deal with this anger.
      I never went to any spiritual meeting and never had a teacher (other than books and youtube videos). But the universe acted as my teacher, with stick and carrot. When I was off-path (i.e. angry), I got burned out light bulbs and all sorts of weird electrical behavior around me. When I was in inner peace, little wishes tended to be fulfilled in miraculous ways.
      Apart from this stick-versus-carrot-teaching, there were many experiences on the path which I interpreted as lessons. I started to realize that inner peace seems to very much encouraged by the universe. It is not just another emotion, but it is Home. I found out by experience that thoughts coupled with emotion do manifest reality. Some dreams about the future  seemed to teach me that there is a timeless place in me which just knows the future. I was taught by experience that we are connected via consciousness.
      I went through a dark night of the soul and was forced to let go of the attachment to many parts of the former ‘me’.
      By focusing attention backwards at the ‘sense of I AM’, I found a place inside which is very peaceful. Staying in that peace inside granted access to a  new navigation mode. Wishing and allowing instead of striving and struggling. Learning to read the communication signs of the universe instead of relying on other people’s opinions and best-of-breed processes.
      I had some experiences that showed me  that I am consciousness and that the world is like painted on me.
      Access to the still small inner voice became clearer and offered me advice. I realized that divine guidance showed up in many different ways, via dreams, songs in the head, and patterns of events with literal or metaphorical meaning.
      Up to 2012, my path was characterized by the hunger for books about spiritual knowledge, the awe about all the formerly unseen realms, and also by the huge anger attacks (which lessened somewhat with the help of ACIM lessons).
      In 2012, something new happened. The inner voice asked me to share what I had experienced. But I did not feel ready for it nor entitled to do so. After all, I still have very much an ego and a self. How can I write when I am not enlightened yet? And I reacted with huge fear and panic to that request.
      Slowly and in baby steps, I went forward, sharing anonymously in a forum first. Then, end of 2014,  I started this WordPress blog (only upon request by the inner voice and only after much resistance and some health issues).
      2015 was about meeting fellow travelers on the spiritual journey. Oh, how many different paths there are! But I don’t seem to fit into any of them. Where do I turn when I have no clue about astrology, when I have a hard time appreciating poetry, when I am confused by lightworker lingo and Buddhist vocabulary as well? When I have no knowledge or desire to quote any of the philosophical ‘-isms’ out there. Can’t read auras. Can’t see ghosts. Haven’t had a spectacular Kundalini awakening. I am a mixed breed of everything and nothing.
      But in a dream I was encouraged to ‘just share my peanuts with fellow travelers’.
Where am I now?
      I find my self drawn to bloggers who share their spiritual journey, with all its ugly and beautiful aspects. I realized that despite all the differences of the various paths, the underlying subject is the desire to regain the lost paradise.
I have become more at ease with sharing on my blog and more spontaneous in commenting.  The community here with the large variety of spiritual bloggers is wonderful. Even though I don’t fit into any path or tradition in particular, I still can connect with many of you.
      Since I have decided to remove myself from the exploitative situation, the anger has lessened considerably. Anger and grief do still come up at times, but less frequently and less severely.
      Frequently, I wonder about the many different spiritual paths, their advantages and disadvantages. How come they eventually end up with the same insight, the falling away of the illusion of the separate self,  if they start out with  different belief systems? Are there common milestones for everyone on this spiritual journey? How to create a map for this uncharted terrain? How to use a common language?
       I am also wondering about my day job. Working in a corporate culture sometimes feels like a field study of the coping mechanisms for the illusion of separation. With detached amusement, I watch the rat race and sometimes wonder about the pointlessness of the human endeavors. I see the mechanisms of fear and all its ugly stepchildren. On the other hand, the universe does not make a distinction between private life and work, and therefore the dynamics of the single invisible hand of Source (e.g. synchronicities, miracles, ego-shredding dynamics) can be observed at my day job as well as in any other circumstances.
      After I had overcome this big hurdle of fear regarding blogging, I thought, ‘Now, I can relax.’ But I continue to get these little homework assignments from spirit (youtube video, maybe a Facebook page, prepare workshop about forms of divine guidance and more).  And I struggle with my resistance to each and every new request. Why isn’t blogging enough? I don’t want to have my lifestyle disrupted. Yes, I do like to talk about the spiritual journey one-on-one over lunch. But the thought of having to organize workshops, of traveling, and of marketing makes me cringe with fear. The inner discussion with my spirit guide about this topic would probably fill a book.
      I realize that this phase is about overcoming fear. Surrender is the way forward. And it is not a one time thing. It is a new surrender to every request from spirit.
      Sometimes I think that everything is perfect as it is and that my resistance is perfect, too. It is the only way I can get the full range of divine guidance, in dreams, signs, songs in the mind, etc.. Soft nudges as well as stern warnings and threats. Only this way I am well equipped enough to share about divine guidance.
      But often, the requests of the inner voice bother me. Then, I wonder whether Buddhists hear a still small voice of guidance, too. If not, maybe I should become Buddhist and tell the inner voice to shut up because it is just an illusion, hehe.
The next post in this blogging challenge is by Marga on http://lifeasimprov.com/ .

Describing the ineffable

It seems that everyone who has come upon the Source inside has to make an attempt, at least once, to describe the ineffable. Here is my attempt.

Disclaimer
Before I start, here is a disclaimer. The ineffable cannot be described with words because it is outside of the 3D realm for which language was invented.

The book ‘Flatland’ presents a metaphor for this kind of communication problem. It is a story of a three-dimensional sphere trying to communicate with beings who live on a two-dimensional flat plane. The sphere is trying to wake the two-dimensional beings up to the fact that there is more to life than what they can perceive with their senses. As you can imagine, much confusion and frustration follow from that attempt.

The same confusion and frustration happen whenever someone tries to describe the ineffable within us. Names are given. Consciousness, awareness, Source, void, emptiness, fullness, blackness, light. Piles of books have been written on it in an attempt to describe that which cannot be described with words. Those who have met the Source in themselves will nod their head and say, “I know what they mean.” But those who have not yet come upon the divine in themselves will think, “What are they talking about? What a hell a lot of gibberish! Doesn’t make any sense.”

Then, why try to talk about it at all if any attempt is doomed from the beginning?

Because Source insists on it.

Content of awareness
As I am typing this, I am aware of my surroundings, physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions. A blue computer screen, black keyboard, green plants in the room, the view through my window, white sky today. The physical sensation of my body weight sitting on the chair, fingers touching the keyboard. A feeling of coldness in the fingers. The thought that the coldness could be alleviated by eating a warm meal. A gnawing feeling in the stomach. Another thought, ’Is it lunch time yet?’ Impatience arising. A mental vision of my spirit guide. These are all things I can turn my focus towards. The focus of my attention is like a flashlight that I can turn towards anything I choose. Right now it is focused on the battling thoughts ‘Let’s have lunch’ and ‘No, let’s get this post done before lunch.’

Apart from all these things, sensations, thoughts, emotions arising, there is something else. The ineffable. I can choose to turn the focus of my attention away from all the things I have mentioned before. Away from everything out there, away from any thought and any emotion. That does not mean that thoughts and emotions will just vanish while I do this. It just means I can choose to put the focus of my attention on something else.

Where to look
I turn the focus of my attention 180 degrees away from all the things I have mentioned before, like in a U-turn, and look directly back at that which is looking. I turn my awareness back towards awareness itself. I am putting the focus of my attention directly on the sense of I AM.

It is looking at that which is always there in the background, which is always the same for all times (explained in the video on www.justonelook.org as looking at what it feels like to be me; looking at the sense of me). If you prefer to read a book about this method, it is described in The Most Direct Means to Eternal Bliss by Michael Langford as ‘Awareness Watching Awareness’ method.

I don’t need a special posture, a guided meditation with green meadows and a blue sky, or to count my breath, or to still my thoughts to find it. I turn my attention away from my body, away from my breath, away from my thoughts. Even away from any mental visions of my spirit guides.

Describing the ineffable
Ok, now the problems with describing the ineffable start. So, bear with me. What do we find when we turn awareness back on itself?

There is nothing there. Or rather, there is no thing there. What I am looking at is not something like my computer screen which one could look at with the eyes. It is not a physical sensation like the coldness in my fingers either. It is not a thought like ‘I am hungry. I want to go to lunch.’ Not an emotion like impatience or frustration as in ‘Why am I writing this? Probably just another useless attempt at describing the ineffable. Let’s have lunch…’ It is not a vision of an angel in my mind.

The eye does not see anything when the attention is turned 180 degrees backwards. Therefore, my mind labels it ‘blackness’ or ‘nothingness’ or ’void’.

That doesn’t sound very enticing, right? Why turn the attention inwards when there is nothing to be found?

Because this place is Home.

What it feels like
In the beginning of this practice, I experienced a lot of resistance for the first few weeks. This manifested as an itchy sensation over the whole body when I tried to look inwards. But I tried again and again. Eventually, staring back at the one who was looking gave rise to a sense of peace. Now, I have to resort to metaphors. In the beginning, it felt like the peace of a surface of a dark still lake. And when I rested there even longer, I got a sense of quiet joy streaming in. Like a small fountain in the heart area, always moving, flowing, inexhaustible.

I turn there in times of trouble and let myself be cradled in the peace and joy and the feeling that all will be okay.

During daily life, especially during routine activities, part of my attention is usually focused inwards. The peace, joy, and gratitude which come from resting in this looking-back-at-Source-place are unconditional. That means they are always there. Even if my fingers are cold and I am hungry. If there is a sudden shock or panic, I may lose the focus on this quiet background of peace, but I try to return to it as soon as possible.

The peace found inside has a magnetic pull to it. It pulls me inside because it feels so good to rest there.

There is a sense of completeness. Of needing nothing else to be happy. Nothing can reach this joy. No outer things like good food or enjoyable company or an expensive vacation.

The experience of this place is different for different people. Not everyone experiences peace and joy right away. For some, it may feel like a void, and not blissful at all, at first. Inner peace can feel weird. It can be experienced as boring. Or not feeling emotions if someone else suffers feels inhuman.
I have read a story by a woman who was in search of God. And then she was swallowed by this void at times and found it horrible. It took some time for her to realize that the void was answering her prayers, and eventually she was able to relax into it and feel the bliss.

What it is
Since this is so ridiculously easy to get there, I was tempted to think, “This can’t be it. No way. This was much too easy. Why should I be able to find it if others meditate their butt off for decades and still don’t find it?” It is easy to dismiss this place of inner peace and joy as ‘just another emotion’. But it is not. It is the connection to Source right inside of me. It is Home.

It is what we are. It is a higher dimension. Like what the 3D sphere is compared to the beings in 2D flatland, this space of awareness is for the content of awareness. It contains everything. It is not awareness arising from my brain, but it is the other way round. My brain is arising in awareness.

It is a place of singularity beyond duality. It embraces opposites. It is beyond the gnawing feeling of hunger in my stomach and beyond the pleasure of having a cup of creamy Belgian Chocolate ice cream.

This void or no-thing-ness is prior to thoughts. It is like pure potential from which thoughts can be born. It gives birth to thoughts and these turn into something solid.

It is the connection to the single guiding hand behind all the seemingly separate appearances. This is the force which orchestrates synchronicities.

The universe will put us to our knees just so that we can find this place of I AM. We are collectively suffering from a sense of mistaken identity. Looking for love in all the wrong places to fill the perceived hole inside of us. Trying to recreate the lost paradise by getting or rearranging things in the outer world. So, the usual path is that the sense of the wrong persona is stripped away, so that we may eventually come unto THAT which cannot be described with words but which is our true Home.

Turning the focus of attention back to awareness itself is remembering who I am. Or rather remembering what ‘I’ is.

Benefits
It is the place from which guidance and intuition come. And it is the place of the magic wand. Little wishes tend to be fulfilled promptly when I am in this place of unconditional peace. It is just that I don’t have many wishes (except for lunch, maybe) when I am there because everything is well.
It is my life jacket in times of turmoil.

Risks and side effects
It is the connection to Source. At first, I thought, ‘How cool! Can’t you tell me the winning lottery numbers?’ But, no, connection to Source means that Source moves me. In my case, that means I get little homework assignments like ‘Start a blog! Contact this person! Learn to speak up!’ all of which force the little ‘me’ to get out of its comfort zone. (This should be in the fine print to be considered before one embarks on the spiritual journey.)

It feels so good and so complete that there may be little motivation left to do anything else. Why animate this meat suit again if this is not who I am anyway? Why bother with worldly concerns if nothing in the 3D world can give me this peace and joy?

Other risks and side effects of this journey are the deconstruction of the former sense of self and the ego’s reaction to that (see my post about the Dark Night of the Soul). It is all fun and games until someone loses an ‘I’.

Oh, and yet another side effect of having found this place is writing a very long post with too many words about an ineffable topic which cannot be expressed with words in the first place.

But, waking up to this place of unconditional inner peace and joy inside is what we came here for, and that’s why it needs to be expressed even if though it is ineffable.

 

Dream advice: speak your truth

Usually, I don’t make any New Year’s resolutions. But on January 1st, 2016, I had the following dream that showed me an important point for the coming year.

In the dream, I met a former colleague. He told me that he was a school teacher now.
“And when  I went to visit some of these kids at home, they showed me their toys. Some of them have toy guns, you know, awful stuff! An absolute no-no. I cannot understand how parents can allow this.” He raised his eyebrows and added with self-righteous demeanor, “Of course, I have written about this in their report cards and lowered their grades.”

I cringed. Our son had such a toy. Should I tell him?

No. Too dangerous. I was afraid of his judgment. So, I kept my mouth shut, wished him a nice day, and went away.

In the next scene, I was sitting in some kind of small  wagon on train tracks like they have in amusement parks and suddenly realized that there was a cheap bracelet on my left wrist, golden, with blue plastic flowers and red ladybugs. This was a bracelet I had when I was a young girl, maybe 6 years old. But how did this get onto my wrist? I knew that I had already thrown it away. Even more strange was the fact that it was wrapped in a transparent plastic foil as if it was new.

Then I woke up.  Strange dream. What did it mean?
With the help of inner guidance, I settled on the following message.

If you hold back because you are afraid of judgment, you will regress in development back into a child’s stage.

Speak your truth!

Paint the way ahead in bold colors

A dream:
I was at a painting workshop and looked at a beautiful oil painting of a sandy path with purple heather at the sides. There were radiant bright colors with stark contrast.

Then, I was asked to describe what the workshop was about.

Awed by the mixture of lime green, pink, olive green, and purple,  I said, ”Here, we can learn to paint the way ahead in bold colors.”

I had this dream in Oct 2014, just when I started to set up this blog. I share it now because it fits in with the many messages of this time about stepping forward, reinventing, and envisioning a better future.

Dream big.

Spirit guide rant about grief

The destination of the spiritual journey is remembering who we truly are (and then living from that). This is a shift in identity and necessarily entails the loss of the former self-image.

And that loss can be painful. So, there are emotions which have to be looked at, acknowledged, and then let go. They come in layers like in an onion.

Below my layer of anger about feeling exploited, there was a layer of sadness. Sadness about having to let go a huge part of my identity. And the universe nudged me via several posts here on WordPress and a movie (Inside Out) to take care of that layer of sadness again and to grieve.

So, I did grieve. Rather shortly, but very thoroughly. Noticed how the grief came in waves; and how I was about to drown in it.

But then two light bulbs burned out on two consecutive days. Oh no! Not that old problem again. They used to burn out when I was very angry. I thought I was done with that.

What is going on here? I thought I was encouraged to take care of the grief. Why do I get these consequences now?

So, I turned within and asked, “Can I have advice on what to do about the grief? Do you encourage me to grieve or not?”

Here is what I received from the inner voice (of spirit guide A.). It comes as a voiceless voice, like thoughts appearing in my mind which I did not think myself. Sometimes as sentences, sometimes as blocks of thought which I have to put into words. Even though this is not an audible voice, I perceive it as high in intensity, almost shouting at me, impatient to get his point across. I share this as an example of guidance received in an inner voice dialogue.

A: “You can hear me. Don’t pretend that you can’t!
So you want to grieve? Yes, you can do so. And you need to do so. Grief is more appropriate than anger now. You have acted on the anger. So let that go.

Now take care of the grief. Acknowledge it. Heal your wounds. But don’t drown in it! I see that you want to stay home, sit in a corner, hug yourself and cry. But if you take a decision like staying home when there is a party outside, cutting yourself off from friends, wallowing in self-pity, then you are making it real! You are cutting yourself off from Source. You are saying, “Nobody loves me, I am sooo sad that I am not loved, I am a victim, I am hopeless, it is totally justified that I feel like crap and stay at home and cry and will never ever talk to anyone again, especially not about my f*cked up spiritual journey. Because I am such a fraud. Because I believe that it is inappropriate to feel sadness if I am committed to inner peace.”

That is bullshit. BULLSH*T. Do I need to repeat it again? [BLEEP!]

Acknowledge the sadness, yes! But don’t give in to it. That means don’t let yourself be pulled into it. It is like a giant arm which comes out of a dark lake and grabs you and pulls you into the water. See the arm , but don’t grab the hand. Don’t drown. Because it is built on a lie! You are grieving the loss of your former self-image. But you have never been that! You are the consciousness that contains it  and contains everything else. You are the screen on which the scene is painted. Don’t identify yourself with that little person part on the screen. Let go of the attachment to that person.

If you give in to the grief too much, you are making it real. You are telling yourself that grief is justified because you have really lost something.

However, loss is not possible.

Remember past events when you have lost something. Hasn’t it been replaced with something better? Sometimes you need to make space for something new. It is like decluttering your closet. Make space to breathe. And then you can get new clothes.”

K: “Why is this so hard? Why do I have such a hard time to feel grief and yet not get sucked into it? Clearly, the light bulbs indicate that I have gone too far, don’t they?”

A: “Yes and no [smiles]. There is no wrong path, remember. There is no ‘too far’. You are just presented with the consequences of your thoughts. Always. Free of judgment. So, do you want to think these thoughts?

You must learn not to do what the feeling makes you want to do.

If the anger makes you want to kick someone else’s shin, you have learned not to give in to that urge, right?

Same here. If the sadness makes you want to cut yourself off from friends, then do not follow that urge. Acknowledge the sadness, yes. But do not get led into an action by it.

Watch from the witness place. Stay conscious.”

After that pep-talk, the current wave of grief lasted a few more days and then subsided. At least for the time being. Since this process comes in a spiralling movement which feels like back and forth, back and forth,  I am not sure whether this phase will return or not.

I wanted to make the point that inner peace is not about suppressing emotions, but about acknowledging them, feeling them,  and then letting them go. And inner guidance is always available to us.

Dream advice about handling fear

Often, my inner voice asks me to do things which make me cringe with fear. Starting a blog, doing a youtube video, and more which I don’t dare to think about. Recently, fear and overwhelm came up big time again about what changes in lifestyle would be requested from me in the long run. So, I turned within and asked, “Do you have some tips for me on how to handle this fear issue?”

The following night, I had a dream:

I was on a bike ride to the home of my parents and had to cross a bridge. But it became too steep. So, I decided to get off and walk my bike uphill.

On top of the bridge, I was struck by my fear of heights. No balustrade at the side –  eek! Sick with vertigo, I had to focus on just the next step and could not look too far ahead or down to the side.

After I had safely crossed the bridge, I wanted to go home to my parents. But it was too far for a bike ride and I needed to take the bus. After I had asked where the bus stop was, I wondered whether I would be allowed to take my bike inside the bus. At that moment, the bike folded itself so that it was no larger than a closed umbrella. Perfect!

All of a sudden, I was inside the bus taking me home. I wondered how I got in there without actually having entered through the door.

Then, I thought that I must pay the fare and searched my purse for money. But before I could pay, I woke up.

Interpretation:
On your journey Home,
when the road gets too steep, go slowly;
w
hen it is too high, just look to the very next step;
w
hen it is too long to go by yourself, ask for a ride.
And you don’t even need to pay.

 

Divine communication devices: trucks

The universe uses whatever is available to communicate with us.  Here are three stories about truck inscriptions.

  1. When I was doing a lot of forgiveness work and reading a lot of ACIM (which is a Jesus channeling), I saw a truck saying, ‘Christ. Die erste Adresse für Umzüge’, which means ‘Christ. The first address when you are moving house‘. Moving my belief system from one set of beliefs to another also required Christ.
  2. In summer 2015, I had promised to write a draft for a course about many forms of divine guidance. When the deadline was approaching, I saw a truck with the inscription ‘www.nicht-bummeln.de’  
    (back then, this led to http://www.utke-transporte.de).
    ‘Nicht bummeln’ translates into ‘don’t dawdle’. I took the admonishment personally and wrote a large part of the draft on that same day.
    It is interesting to note that I never got this sort of push regarding my day job or household chores. Source seems to care more about waking up than about anything else.
  3. ‘I am so sad, I am really longing for someone to comfort me,’ I thought.
    The next day, I saw a truck  with the inscription ‘Trost Transport’ , which translates into ‘Solace Transport’. How nice! I can have a truck load of solace;-)

Behind the scences, there is an awesome orchestrating intelligence at work. It uses whatever it can get for communicating with us. And it definitely has a sense of humor.

Eventually, these synchronicities lead to the insight that we are not who we thought we were. But that we are consciousness which contains all. And that whatever is going on within the body-mind is mirrored in the seemingly outside world.

5 insights after 1 year of blogging

I have been blogging about the spiritual journey for one year now and want to share what have I learned.

  1. With a sense of relief, I see that it is not nearly as dangerous as I assumed in the beginning. I was very afraid and reluctant to start a blog and only did so because I was pressured by my inner voice/spirit guides. I thought if I write publicly about all the strange things  which have happened to me (like burned out light bulbs by anger and manifesting the weather) that I would encounter “issues” (like, uhm, do they still burn witches at the stake?).
  2. The tone of conversation is much more friendly than in an internet forum, where discussions often drift into flame wars.
  3. I am amazed by the variety of spiritual paths. So many different approaches! Buddhists, Lightworkers, Christians, ACIM students, hardcore spiritual seekers, they all approach the life’s journey with a somewhat different belief system and set of tools. Also, the variety of expression is amazing. Poetry, essays, stories, uplifting quotes, and advice.
    I am grateful for new friends, new perspectives, and new insights.
  4. Geography belonged to my least-favorite subjects at school. But looking at the world map of the WordPress statistics page is fun. Occasionally, a web search arrives on my blog from a country of which I had never heard the name before.
  5. Often, there seemed to be similar underlying subjects for many bloggers in a given time frame.
    For example, I had just published a post about the painful loss of the former self-image. And then another post about that topic came up. But the other blogger for sure did not know my blog.
    At another time, many people were blogging about time, multiple timelines, and time travel. I didn’t write about time then. But I lost my watch during that time.
    At yet another time, it was about visibility. Many were publishing their first picture, voice recording, or video.
    It is as if we are indeed all pulsed by the same divine Source.

Thank you, dear readers, for all your likes, comments, and for the warm welcome I have received here!

 

Inner peace and intuition

I was stirring zucchini in a pan, when all of a sudden hot oil splattered onto my finger. Ouch! It was just a tiny spot of skin burned, but it hurt like hell.

‘Ok, breathe deep and remember all things tend to resolve when I keep my inner peace!’ I thought. I turned to the kitchen table, stared at the  pressed garlic which I had prepared before, and tried to calm down.

Then, I had a sudden idea. What if I put garlic on the burn? I had never done this before.

After I had distributed some of the paste on the finger, the pain lessened immediately. Amazing! (Please note: I left it on for about ten minutes only and did not cover it with bandage).

‘Has garlic been recommended as a treatment for skin burns by anyone yet?’ I wondered and searched the web. Though there were some recommendations for garlic paste against pimples, I could not find resources related to skin burns.

On the contrary, fresh garlic can actually cause serious skin burns. So, in my case, the immediate positive effect on the pain seems to have been a homeopathic one (‘like cures like’).

Inner peace can lead to intuition for unusual solutions.

Disclaimer: Don’t try this at home! Fresh garlic (especially if it is applied to the skin for a long time and covered with a bandage) can cause serious skin burns!