Coming out of hiding

After being nudged to create a blog, I came out of hiding. Here I share some noteworthy events which occurred around that time.

Meeting people in breakdown/breakthrough phases

In the summer of 2014, I was informed by the inner voice and in a dream that I would get a ‘new job description’. Then in the fall of 2014, I suddenly found myself being around strangers who just had a breakdown with a medical emergency. I would coincidentally walk by someone who just had just fallen down or passed out on the sidewalk. In all cases, the ambulance was already there, or at least someone else was taking care of them so that my help was not needed. I was just passing by. The events came so frequently that I suspected it was no coincidence but rather a message of some sort.

But what did it mean? After some guessing around, I settled on the interpretation ‘you meet people who have a breakdown’, meant in a metaphorical way, of course.

And indeed, that was what had already been happening since a while. Since around October 2013, I found myself synchronistically coming into contact with people who either just had a burnout or were about to have one, and other people in transformative life situations, like leaving a job or going through a divorce. It just wasn’t frequent enough for me to notice it. But now I realized that it was a pattern. And it seemed to point out that there was some underlying theme that I needed to pay attention to. Meeting people who are in a breakdown/breakthrough phase in their life.

However, what did not come with the task description was an instruction of what my role was supposed to be. Am I expected to do anything and what? Or would I just meet these people because I have been through a situation of breakdown myself (in the dark night of the soul) and therefore I would attract people in similar circumstances? I didn’t get an answer to that question, but it turned out that we would just meet synchronistically, connect, and share our stories.

The ginkgo tree

After all the nudges in the previous month to start a blog, I finally began to dig in. I chose WordPress as blogging platform, chose a layout theme, and put some work into the privacy statement and the legal disclosure page ( – I remember that the last part was annoying).

Then I needed a picture. I wasn’t aware from where to get license free images. So, I thought it would be best to just take my own photographs. But of what subject? I thought that the blog should be something joyful. And for me, joy is reflected in colored leaves of a tree against a brilliant, blue sky.

On November 23rd, 2014, we had blue sky and a fantastically yellow ginkgo tree in our neighborhood. That seemed like a perfect subject for a picture which transported the essence of joy. I took my camera out and took a photograph and used that as my blog picture and my avatar on WordPress. I just did it because it seemed like such a beautiful chance to catch the sight of the vibrantly yellow leaves against the clear blue sky. And indeed, this combination was rare and did not occur in later years. Instead, all the leaves were either green or already gone when there was a blue sky in autumn.

Taking the picture for the blog was just a spontaneous decision because I needed a pretty photograph immediately, but later I pondered whether the ginkgo tree was meant to be on my blog. My mom always told me that its leaves are special. The veins of ginkgo leaf never branch to form a network (they never have a bigger middle vein like other leaves) and the trees are very old. Like a dinosaur among trees, but a surviving one. Ginkgo symbolized resilience. I also remembered that as a gift for my doctorate thesis, my mom wanted to buy me a special necklace. I chose one with two silver ginkgo leaves. So, maybe it wasn’t just coincidence that I chose the ginkgo tree. Maybe it had a deeper meaning for me.

Coming out of hiding
On the same day when I took the picture of the ginkgo tree, I also wrote my first blog post Coming out of hiding. And four days later, on Nov 27, 2014, I adjusted the blog status so that it was publicly visible.

Switching it from private to publicly visible was one thing. But then I hesitated again, before I set it to searchable by internet search engines. But eventually, I did that, too.

Okay. Done. Now I had a blog and had fulfilled the order which I had been given on October 23, 2014 to start a blog.

Phew!

The stubborn baby tooth

I had wished for a sloooow ramp-up of this sharing of my spiritual journey. Still clinging to my privacy. Still hiding in anonymity.

In September 2014, something strange happened. My son (who had no problems with getting new teeth previously) suddenly had a new tooth emerging while the baby tooth still had not fallen out. It was sort of dangling there, only loosely connected. Not of any use anymore, but still stubbornly held onto.

Two teeth in the same spot – that is a very strange sight. I gave a homeopathic remedy which is supposed to help in such cases . To no avail.

Then it occurred to me that this was a mirror of my situation. It was as if Source was smiling at me, saying, “You wanted a sloooow ramp-up? This is what a slow ramp-up looks like. Still clinging to your anonymity like your son’s body is clinging to the baby tooth. And it causes the new tooth to be slightly displaced. Think again. Is that what you really want?”

Uh. I got the message.

I told my son that we would see the dentist in December. And if the tooth hadn’t fallen out by then, it would have to be pulled out. My son was scared.

When I finally decided to make my blog publicly available on Nov 27, 2014, two days later, the stubborn baby tooth finally fell out. No dentist needed. What a relief!

This was one of the many broad hints I received from the universe that writing a blog was the way forward for me.

***

In the metaphor of the hike, I had come from the flat land and then gone a long and winding road uphill to the mountaintop. Each turn in the road during my uphill journey was preceded by a challenge which made me search for solutions. And each solution showed me more about who I am and how life works.

At the mountaintop, I looked back at awareness itself which was like seeing my reflection in a clear lake and felt peaceful and joyful.

From there, the journey went downhill again with two discernible strands or parts. One part was about more lessons and tests and integration of what I had learned. The other part was about divine guidance and sharing. And the latter was like following the flow of a river with little procrastination loops at the riverside each now and then.

The resistance to blogging had sent me into another procrastination loop on the riverside. But this time due to the strict guidance I got, it was only a tiny one. Finally surrendering and giving in to writing online was a major milestone for me.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Start a blog!

After I had written my comment on the intranet of our company, I was so exhausted from the struggle with my fears that I made the silent resolution simply not to wish for opportunities for sharing anymore.  That should solve the problem, I thought.

After all, thoughts and emotions can manifest stuff. So, I thought when I just manage my thoughts and not wish for any opportunities to share anymore, then I would be spared. I was quite determined to remain content without wishes.

And in case any pesky spirit guide would show up, oh well, I could just try to throw some quotes of spiritual texts at them. How about “I need do nothing” (ACIM) , or maybe “Don’t they say about enlightenment, ‘Eat when hungry, sleep when tired’ ?”.

But apparently, this was not such a smart idea as the following events would show.

Start a blog!

On the evening of the same day when I had written the comment about woo stuff in the intranet of my company (Oct 23, 2014), my older son danced around with me and somehow my back got jerked out of place. I got a lumbago with a backache in the middle of my spine so severe that I could hardly walk.

My first reaction was “Ouch!  %@&?!?!” and other non-quotable thoughts. But then, I turned within and asked my wise inner voice for its opinion. I got the following answer:

‘As you contract in fear each time you have to share your spiritual journey, so your back contracts now each time you want to move.
We cannot dance like this.’

A pause to let it sink in. And then the inner voice continued

‘I want you to start a blog.’

What? Boy, there was a time when I desperately wanted to be able to hear this wise inner voice. Little did I know back then how much it would push me beyond my comfort zone.

‘Yes. Together we will create something beautiful.’

Er – yes. Beautiful, sure. But it sounded scary.  I really do like my privacy, you know? But at least, I wouldn’t have to do the blog alone.

And God Said: We Need to Talk!

After the lumbago attack and the order to start a blog, I resisted and procrastinated again, as usual.

I had planned to take my children to my parents in Berlin for a vacation. And even though walking and any movement was difficult, I managed to pack my luggage and get on the train to Berlin with my kids. I welcomed the change of scenery and a bit of time to think it over.

After we had arrived in Berlin, I was amazed to find a (German) book on the coffee table which my mom was reading at the time with the title which translates as And God Said: We Need to Talk! (German title: Und Gott sprach: Wir müssen reden! by Hans Rath; there is no English version of the book).

‘Oh, that looks like another message for me!’ I thought, feeling like a disobedient child who had just been called to the principal’s office at school, full of anxiety and anticipation that things were about to get serious.

OBEY

On one day during the visit in Berlin, I was in the city with my mom and told her about the situation at work.

“Our company might be planning lay-offs. There is much uncertainty at the moment,” I said. “I don’t know whether our department will be affected. And I don’t know how I would handle it if I would be fired. Recently, I felt called to write about my spiritual experiences. But I am not sure whether this means that it will replace my day job.”

My mother looked at me with concern and started to voice her fears. Of course, she wanted to make sure that I continued to earn money.

But I said, “If I get fired, I think I will have to put everything into God’s hands and just trust …”

Just when I said this, I saw a woman walking by with a large inscription on her T-shirt saying ‘OBEY’. This is a brand name which I did not know before. Chills crept up my spine. It was uncanny how the forces beyond the veil got their messages through. I would have to obey God’s will for me.

Let Me Kiss It and Make It Better

Then on October 29, 2014, almost a week after the lumbago attack, we went swimming in Berlin. The back pain was still pretty bad and I was glad about the temporary relief in the water.

There was also a group of school children in the pool. As I looked at the side where they had put all their large towels, I saw one with the phrase on it saying Let Me Kiss It and Make It Better.

Now, wasn’t that heartwarming? Like a sign from my guides or the universe that should sent me some solace for my back pain. Yeah, please, make it better. It is about time! But it would still take another week before the pain would go away.

Surrendering to the inevitable

On November 5, 2014, I made up my mind that I would start a blog. The signs pointing to that were too numerous and too insistent. So, I thought it would be better to surrender to the inevitable.

Afterwards, I found a homeopathic remedy which helped me with my back pain. It was as if the pain would only go away after I had surrendered, like another sign that I really needed to start the blog.

The next day, November 6, 2014: my inner voice gave me another one of these pep-talks. This time it said, ‘Remember, the days of your anonymity are numbered.
And as if to underline that statement, the anonymous commenting function on a blog where I used to comment was switched off. In a way, I was grateful for the synchronicity because it showed me that I was hearing the inner voice correctly and was not making this up.

On the day after I had found the resolve to start a blog, I dreamed that I celebrated my birthday party. I had to carefully go down some stairs to the ground floor where the party took place.

I think that was a way of my soul to show me that starting the blog would be like a joyous occasion and a reason for a  celebration.

Paint the way ahead in bold colors

On November 10, 2014, after I had already started to create the blog and gone through some technical struggles with WordPress, I dreamed that I was at a painting workshop and looked at a beautiful oil painting of a sandy path with purple heather at the sides. There were radiant bright colors with stark contrast.

Then, I was asked to describe what the painting workshop was about.

Awed by the daring colors of vibrant lime green, pink, olive green, and purple, I said, ”Here, we can learn to paint the way ahead in bold colors.”

Interpretation:
I thought that this meant to encourage me to dream big and to envision a bright future regarding the blogging endeavor.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Being pushed through fear

The nudges to share my story continued, and my inner tension became unbearable.

Dream: Being late

On October 15, 2014, I dreamed that I intended to take the bus to the university at 7 am. But I was still busy looking for a coconut which I wanted to take with me as food. I would be late.

Then during waking up, I got a message that I should show my journaled texts to someone. I should not just share my carefully composed texts which I had written for the book, but rather share some of my spontaneous journaled texts.

Interpretation
I thought that the dream and the subsequent message told me that I should write and share. It had been a while since I had finished the second draft version of my still unpublished text. And since then, my efforts had come to a halt. The dream told me that I was late. Not only that, but I was also admonished to be even more vulnerable by showing my journal to someone else.

But I thought, no way! I am not going to show my journaled texts to others.

But after resisting, I started to feel that familiar tension again which came from being aware that I was supposed to write and share and the other hand knowing that I was not doing it. In the metaphor of the hike, I had entered a procrastination loop at the riverside again. The payoff was that I felt safe and somewhat relaxed, or at least not stressed out. But I was out of alignment and I could sense it. And it started to feel more and more uncomfortable.

Please help me fulfill my mission!

Because I could not stand this awful tension any longer, I started to beg for help. I prayed to my guides, ‘Please, make me fulfill my mission here. Please do what it takes to help me through this, or even to force me through this.’

Yes, I asked them to even force me through this. I was that desperate. And afterwards, I forgot about this prayer and then wondered why they were indeed applying often very rude measures to force me to obey.

A newspaper’s call for readers’ contributions

Now, my urgent prayer didn’t go unnoticed, but was answered right away. On that same day, I noticed a call in an online version of a German newspaper for readers’ contributions about the topic of religion and faith. They asked their readers to share whether they believe in a religion, in which one, or in atheism, and why.

I realized that this was an answer to my prayer. It was like I was being tested. Would I be willing to share my story and my belief system which had been turned upside down?

But, too afraid to take any risks, I procrastinated again. I asked myself, how would the universe respond to my hesitation?

The clogged drain

The answer appeared promptly. Our bathroom sink got clogged. I do prefer a clogged drain over a clogged throat chakra, but it still sucks.

Shit!

I was aware immediately that I probably caused the clogging by my resistance to share. It was mirroring me. As within, so without. I assumed that I would have to pour chemicals into it in order to fix the drain. How annoying! Sometimes, life on Earth sucks.

Three days later, on October 18, 2014, in the evening, I confessed to my husband, “You know, the clogged drain is very likely caused by my refusal to respond to that newspaper’s call for readers’ experiences about spirituality.”

He listened patiently, probably not believing my theory. Then, he got up and went to the bathroom. “Honey, did you do something to the drain? It appears to be cleaned now. I didn’t pour any chemicals into it. Did you?”

No, I didn’t either.

I think my acknowledgement and confession that the clogged drain mirrored my inner clogging made the drain become free again.

An error ticket is mirroring my procrastination

Now, the drain was free again. But I still had not written anything to the newspaper. So, I was sent another nudge. This time it was an error ticket at work.

I had created an error ticket about a technical issue a while ago. However, the error ticket was not resolved yet. After looking at the history of it, I saw that it appeared to be going back and forth infinitely. It looked like a deliberate attempt at procrastination and delay.

And again, this was mirroring me. I could see my spirit guide mocking me gently,
And I should really write? …
What was it again that you said I should do?
Really?
And, uhm, er, what?
Wait…, have to think about it…
Oh, I think I forgot again what I wanted to write.

The dialog in the error ticket went back and forth in a similar way. And it was exactly how I was behaving towards my spirit guides.

I saw the situation clearly and had to forgive my slow colleagues. No self-righteous temper tantrums allowed, but instead I had to humbly acknowledge that they were just mirroring me.

And finally, on October 20, 2014, I sat down and wrote a letter to the online newspaper and shared my experiences with anger and burned out light bulbs vs inner peace and miracles. I wrote about my beliefs that we are consciousness and that an invisible hand is guiding us home to inner peace.

My letter to the newspaper was never published. But still, I felt a lot of relief that I had mustered the courage to write it.

Sharing about woo stuff at work

The next nudge to share appeared on October 22, 2014. I was given was an opportunity to share about my experiences in our intranet portal at work.

A colleague from the health department of our company had written an article where she asked for her readers’ opinions and tips for career development at the end. I had really enjoyed many of her articles about personal development and had wished for an opportunity to get in contact with her. And here it was.

So, what should I write? Of course, fear crept in right away and I procrastinated again thinking that I would just skip this opportunity. Writing about woo-stuff at our company? All the materialistic, left-brained nerds would be able to read and ridicule it. A few years back, I had been one of them. No way I would want to subject myself to that. It was too far out of my comfort zone.

But the universe would not let me off the hook.

In the evening of the same day, when I rode home with my bike, the bike chain came off and got stuck so badly that I could not fix it. I had to walk my bike home which would take me about an hour.

The entire time during that walk, there was a discussion in my mind with my spirit guide. I complained bitterly, of course. But he told me sternly not to complain. I should be grateful that it was not raining, that I had no pain in my feet from my rheumatoid arthritis, and that my guides made me walk back only half the way from work and not the full length. He said that they wanted to make clear to me that my hesitation was not tolerated. I was invited to exercise fearlessness. No more excuses!

I thought about it and then made the resolve that I would write. And afterwards, I heard the song Isn’t She Lovely playing in my mind as if it was a confirmation that this was the correct way to go.

And on the next day, October 23, 2014, I wrote a short comment in the intranet portal at work about my woo experiences. I never got any feedback, neither positive nor negative. Which was kind of a relief.

There was a third experience very similar to the two other ones where I had the opportunity to share in written form and eventually overcame my hesitation but got no feedback. I sensed that all of these experiences were not so much about connecting with others, but more about managing to go through fear to share my weird experiences and changes beliefs.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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It’s like giving birth

During my struggles with my guidance to share more publicly vs my fears about coming out, I continued to receive more hints about my new job description from spirit.

Reminding people of what they had lost

September 2nd and 3rd, 2014, two events happened that seemed like another puzzle piece about my task. First, someone walking before me in the cafeteria at work lost a 5 Euro bill from his pockets. When I saw it, I shouted, “Hey, you just lost some money.”

The next day just when I was riding by on my bike, someone lost a ball which he had used as a toy for his dog. Again, I shouted, “Hello, you just lost your ball.”

When something like this happened two days in a row, I paid attention. This could be an attempt by my guidance to communicate something to by a recurring pattern of events. What was the common pattern and what was the message for me?

Here, the common pattern was that people had lost something, and I was there to let them know. Did this have a meaning for my journey?

I figured that it was maybe like a description of my task. I should remind people of what they had lost, probably the peace beyond understanding which comes from knowing that we are awareness.

Dream: Do you want to keep your stories secret?

On September 24, 2014, I had another dream that nudged me to go forward. In the dream, I was walking alone in the forest. Then I noticed a little old lady at my left hand side who suddenly stumbled and fell down.
With concern, I rushed towards her and helped her to get up. Was she okay or injured? She seemed to be okay. I noticed her gray hair and her kind-hearted smile.

We continued to walk along the path together. She started a conversation, “And what else are you doing?”

I wasn’t sure what to answer. “You mean what I am doing as a job to earn money?”

“No,” she replied, “What are you doing besides the job?” She gave me a very kind and affectionate smile that warmed my heart.

I went silent and thought about my spiritual journey. Then I confessed, “Yes, I know, I have to share it, my journey, that is.” Probably she was able to read my thoughts and knew everything about me. I felt embarrassed.

She asked, “Yes, and do you want to keep your stories to yourself? Keep them secret?”

“How do you know all this?” I was baffled.

But instead of an answer, she just smiled. And then she vanished suddenly.

Interpretation
In a gentle and very kind way, I was again reminded that I should not keep my stories secret, but that they were meant to be shared.

The stubborn baby tooth

Still clinging to my privacy and wishing to hide in anonymity, I had wished for a sloooow ramp-up of this sharing of my spiritual journey.

End of September, 2014, something strange happened. My son (who had no problems with getting new teeth before ) suddenly had a new tooth emerging while the baby tooth still had not fallen out. It was sort of dangling there, only loosely connected. Not of any use anymore, but still stubbornly held onto.

Two teeth in the same spot – that is a very strange sight. I gave a homeopathic remedy which is supposed to help in such cases . To no avail.

Then it occurred to me that this was a mirror of my situation. It was as if Source was smiling at me, saying, ‘You wanted a slow ramp-up? This is what a slow ramp-up looks like. Still clinging to your anonymity like your son’s body is clinging to the baby tooth. And it causes the new tooth to be slightly displaced. Think again. Is that what you really want?

Ugh. I got the message.

It’s like giving birth

At work, I met a colleague from another department who was also interested in spiritual matters. I had lunch with him once and we talked about our stories and paths.

He had created a small group for people from our company around the topic of being our authentical selves at the workplace and he was still looking for new participants and eagerly wanted me to join his group.

I didn’t want to join the evening meetings on a regular basis, but I thought I that at least once would like share my experiences with burned out lightbulbs during anger and miracles when in inner peace with a small group.

I struggled a while with making this decision, though. After all, I would have to talk to unknown colleagues. Would it be safe to talk to them about my experiences? No anonymity anymore? Being there with my real name and talk about woo stuff and do it in a corporate environment?
Thinking about that made me cringe with fear again.

But on September 29, 2014, I finally made the decision that I would give it a try. I wrote an email to my colleague saying that I would not join the group regularly, but I would come once and talk about my experiences.

Afterwards something strange happened. I went to the bathroom, and as I sat on the toilet, I got strong cramps in my abdomen. It felt like very strong cramps during my period, but they were much, much stronger. But I didn’t get my period. And there wasn’t any bout of diarrhea either. What the heck was going on?

Then I left the office and rode my bike home. Fortunately, the cramps in my abdomen had stopped. But on my way through the forest, a tiny fly flew into my mouth and got stuck in my throat. Attempting to get rid of the intruder, my body cramped as if about to vomit.

This was strange. At first the cramps and pain in the abdomen. And now cramps as if I was about to vomit. I recalled that the bearing-down pains during childbirth felt like vomiting regarding the action of sudden, involuntary cramping of the body.

Then I made sense of it. My body was behaving as if I was giving birth. At first with cramps like labor-pain and then with cramps like bearing-down pains. I think I was shown that overcoming my fears was like giving birth to something. Amazing in which odd ways guidance can show up!

I went to the meeting later and shared my story there with a few people. It was a bit awkward as expected. But I felt some relief that I had had the courage to do it.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A stern rant from my spirit guide

After I had finished the second draft version of my story and sent it out to my friend, I felt a sense of having reached a plateau. I didn’t really feel the completeness of my work since it was just a draft and anything but complete. But I could not continue writing anymore. It became slower and slower and more tedious with each day.

And besides, hadn’t the synchronicity with the Polar watch just shown me that a milestone of completion had been reached? My husband had ordered and received his new watch. Then I was entitled to assume that I had finished my work by sending out the second draft – sort of, at least – I thought. And I fell into exhaustion and apathy again.

Doubts came in. What was the point of writing this? Maybe it was enough that my colleague at work would read it and also my friend Lena. Maybe it would never have to be available publicly. Life was okay the way it was.

After I had managed to make peace with not getting a promotion at work, life was flowing calmly. I was in a peaceful state of mind. A bit low energy perhaps, no more passion. But never mind, that was okay. Why should I want to leave my comfort zone now, put in some effort to write and publish this book if it would distract me from my inner peace?

But my spirit guide Aaron would not let me go and kept pushing. End of July 2014, I woke up around 3am and couldn’t fall asleep afterwards. ‘Shit! I shouldn’t have written in the online forum that I would never agree to get up in the middle of the night in order to receive and write channeled guidance,’ I thought. ‘Now my guide is going to make me do it anyway, I bet.’

Then my guide appeared and gave me a stern rant which was approximately as follows ( – I wrote this down into my journal from memory since I refused to get up and write everything down at 3am):

Repeat after me,’ he said and then continued with this contract-like statement,
I have agreed prior to incarnation to write this book.
I will work on it with focus.
And I will not procrastinate.
I agree to meet every night with my guides in order to track my progress from the last day.
In case I do not obey, I accept consequences.’

OMG!

Was that real or was it just in my imagination? When these ‘thoughts which I did not think’ appeared in my mind, I never knew for sure whether they were from me or from my guide. If that rant was a real message, then I had some more work to do.

Afterwards in August 2014, an almost unbearable feeling of guilt came up again. (I wrote about this emotion in a previous post.) It felt strange. I wasn’t even sure that it was guilt. It was like grief, remorse, or like a strong, unfulfilled longing, like homesickness. And along with that, the thought arose that the feeling needed to be quenched or alleviated somehow. Maybe the feeling would go away when I would publish my story? Or it would go away when I would suffer physical pain?

But my guide indicated to me that physical pain wasn’t going to alleviate the feeling. And then he told me, ‘A few more weeks at most. Then you will be ready.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked in my mind. ‘Maybe around 20 weeks?’

I said ‘weeks’. Not ‘months’,’ re replied.

Afterwards, I had a vision of a woman who had a chalice. In one scene, she drank from it. Then I was shown another scene, where she poured the content of the chalice away. I assumed it meant choosing to either go through some challenges and trials, or not. (- because it reminded me of Mt 20:22 where Jesus asks, “Can you drink the chalice that I am going to drink?” ), and it left me with an uneasy feeling of apprehension about what it was for which I would be ready.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

***

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The Polar watch synchronicities

On the spiritual path, the inner world and outer world become more closely connected, and sometimes it is hilarious to see in which form these mirrorings and synchronicities appear.

January 2014: a pattern emerges
As I mentioned earlier, in January 2014, I started to notice an emerging long-term pattern of synchronicities between my writing of the (never-published) book draft and a certain type of new sports watch. During that time, the Polar company was about to bring a new sports watch (Polar V800) to the market. This watch with all sorts of cool new features was thought to be a game changer and was already eagerly awaited by the people in the runners’ community.

Whenever I thought about writing down my story in a book-like format, my husband started to think about buying the new Polar sports watch. But whenever I doubted and thought that I would rather stop writing, my husband said, “You know what? I think I don’t really need this new, expensive watch.”

The whole process of my writing and sharing my story on one side, and of the release and arrival of the Polar watch on the other side started to evolve in parallel, both of the releases (my writing as well as the watch) having a lot of delays. It was fascinating and funny to watch.

Here are some of my milestones which I already shared in previous posts, but this time combined with the Polar watch synchronicities.

End of April 2014: delays
After several postponements, the really cool new sports watch was announced to be released by May 2014. The people in the runners’ community were getting excited and impatient.

That sort of put some pressure on me that my writing was supposed to be ready by that time, too. But I thought, ‘Dear universe, forget it. My book is never gonna be ready by May.’

End of April, I saw a story of a guy who wanted to test a pre-release of the new sports watch while swimming in the ocean. However, when he went into the water, he got severely injured by a stingray and had to call the ambulance. No test of the watch possible. So, there was a delay.

Since I was aware of the parallel unfoldment of my writing and the release of the Polar watch, I felt a bit uneasy about reading about this guy’s accident. But then I settled on the perception that even though our stories were connected in mysterious ways, this accident was not really my fault.

June 3rd , 2014: the decision
In the beginning of June, I managed to post my story (about my anger and burned out light bulbs and about the value of inner peace) in a forum. Finally. Afterwards, I felt exhausted and relieved.

Finally, my husband had made up his mind and ordered the cool new GPS sports watch from Polar. It was not available yet, though. The release date was delayed again and was now planned for end of June 2014.

We had both made our decisions. For me, it was about sharing online for the very first time. And for my husband, it was about ordering the watch.

What a synchronicity!

July 10, 2014: shipment
I had sent the second draft of my book to my friend Lena.

In the evening of that very same day, my husband got the confirmation that his new sports watch has been sent out.

Really, there was no way that this parallel behavior of my book and the watch could be mere coincidence.

July 14, 2014: still room for improvement
I was exhausted, but relieved that I managed to send out the second draft. However, I realized that the text still needed much improvement.

My husband loved the new watch. Some software features were still missing, though.

December 2019: an ending and a new beginning
While the first version of the book has never made it beyond the 2nd draft version, in December 2019 / January 2020 I started to publish my story (which you are currently reading) on my blog in weekly blogposts. Now, the older version of my book had become obsolete.

Even at this point, there was a parallelism. The Polar watch of my husband broke down around December 2019. And, guess what, in 2020 he repeatedly thought about buying another new, expensive watch.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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A milestone and a new job description

After having overcome my fear of sharing and after my first hesitant and anonymous babysteps in the online world, I received more guidance about my task, and their clarity and timing blew me away.

An announcement
On June 9, 2014, I received a very clear message in a dream which said, ‘In 40 days, you will have a new job description.’

These types of announcements were rare. A complete sentence and it was given to me in English (even though my mother tongue is German).

What did that mean?

Immediately, I started to feel apprehensive. Worries crept in. Would I have to change the department at work? Or would I have to leave the company?

I had no idea. But I made a mental note to pay attention to further messages I would receive, especially in 40 days which would be around July 19, 2014.

The second draft version of my story
During this time period from end of September 2013, after I had heard the message, ‘Write that book! You are late’ until June 2014, I had been writing my story chapter by chapter into a book format.

It was a slow and tedious process, getting even slower the more the work neared some point of completion.

In June 2014, it was still not really finished yet. There were many things to be decided and refined. But at least, I had managed to complete not only a first but already an improved second draft version. And because my guidance had prompted me to send my story to my friend Lena back in October 2013, I sent her my second draft on July 10, 2014.

That felt like another huge milestone for me.

But then my efforts stopped. Even though the work was unfinished, the second draft was all I managed to complete at that time. Afterwards, I sank into exhaustion and apathy again. The book never made it beyond the second draft version.

In case you wonder about its content, it was a mixture of three topics all crammed into one book: First, my story (which is currently, 2020, being published here on my blog in weekly blog posts). Second, the many forms of divine guidance (which I already published in 2017 in the script of the Divine Guidance Workshop, available for free here). And third, about the process of the spiritual journey in general together with tips about how to find back to inner peace if shit hits the fan.

In retrospect, I understand that I was trying to put too many topics into one book, and I can see now how spirit tried to guide me to publish things step by step. First, the stuff about divine guidance. Then my story. And the rest of the unpublished second draft will probably be written about at some time in the future.

Dream: my new job description
On July 20, 2014, (which was 41 days after the announcement that I would get a new job description in 40 days), I had the following dream: I saw a sandy path lined at both sides with flowers. All of these flowers had the shape of long panicles with many little blossoms. They reminded me of hyacinths, but overly long. As long as tall lupins. Each of the tiny little blossoms on the long panicles was white on the edges and a beautiful deep purplish beetroot in the middle.

Then my attention was drawn to the flower directly at the entrance of the path on the left hand side as it suddenly became very bright, as if lighting up from the inside. I noticed that it was a bit shorter than the other flowers.

Interpretation The path reminded me of a scene from a vision I got as a congratulation ceremony after mustering the courage to write about spiritual topics to my friend Lena.

I thought that these flowers were my mind’s interpretation of light beings or auras or something like that. The flowers on the right hand side of the path could be the non-physical guides (like in the congratulation ceremony), while the ones on the left hand side were probably the ones who were incarnated.

The shorter flower directly at the entrance on the left side was then an incarnated guide who was new to the job and had some work to do regarding his growth. I assumed that it was meant to represent me and my new job description.

So, my job was to be someone who stood at the side of the path of spiritual travelers. I was a new hire and would enter now into a phase of training.

I wasn’t sure yet what my role was, though. Just observe others? Or be of assistance? And in what way? I had to wait for further instructions.

Dream: share your peanuts with fellow travelers
The next night, July 21, I received further instructions in the following dream: Together with my little son and a group of what looked like homeless people, I was outside in front of a large train station. Our group wanted to go to a theater play. I was planning the trip and studying the timetables, trying to find the right trains for our trip.

It was dark and cold outside, and my fellow travelers all looked somewhat wretched, tired, and hungry. I had an open bag of yummy peanuts in batter, already half-empty, which I was sharing with my fellow travelers. Additionally, each of us got a bowl of warm and creamy pumpkin soup. Ahh, that felt so good!

In the background, I saw my little son riding his scooter but without keeping his hands on the handle. That looked cool but also a bit dangerous.

Interpretation: I would have to share my experiences (my peanuts) with fellow travelers on the path. I would provide food for weary souls on the spiritual path and I was also involved in planning the trip.

Without the announcement that I would have a new job description in 40 days, I would not have paid attention and not been able to make sense of these dreams.

Okay. So, that was my new job description. To stand at the side of the path of spiritual travelers. To plan the transportation on the trip and to provide nourishment.

But wasn’t that too big of a task for me? Was I prepared to do that?

As if to answer that question, I received a very kind and encouraging personal message full of appreciation for my writing on that same day from one of the moderators of the online forum about spirituality which I had joined previously.

Together with the two dreams mentioned above, this was the third message that fit in with my new job description. I was moved and very grateful. And I could sense how my guide was smiling graciously in the background.

***

In the metaphor of the hike, after the two procrastination loops (refusing to write at all and then falling into the apathy of the pit of the void) before, not only had I reached an important milestone (sending out the second draft version of my story), but I had also been given a new job description. I was now (in the summer of 2014) actually swimming in the river.

downhill_partB_job_1

But the next procrastination loop was about to happen.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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The relief of sharing and connecting

After my spirit guides had made it clear in so many different ways that it was important for me to go online and share, I made my first hesitant babysteps in the online world.

Commenting on a blog

In May, 2014, I discovered a blog about the highs and lows on the journey of awakening on the blogging platform blogspot. The woman who wrote it had also found great value in the technique of resting in awareness and shared how she dealt with the challenges in everyday life. My interest was hooked and I wanted to connect.

So, I summoned up all my courage and left a few comments, but always as an anonymous guest commenter (but signed by my first name) as I was still too afraid to create an account and have a user on blogger.com.

This was my first step to share my experiences not only with friends, but also online where it would be visible to anyone in the world (eek!).

On one hand, I was afraid. But after I had conquered my fear, it felt so good to connect with someone who was going through the same journey and had to deal with similar issues. That blog became one of my favorite places for a while.

Dream: losing myself in irrelevancies

On May 28, 2014, I dreamed that my Dad wanted to take me and the rest of our family on a hike. Not very long, but quite steep. And when we would return, it already could have become dark.

Because I was concerned about the darkness at the end of the hike, I went home and wanted to get my hiking boots and a flashlight to be better prepared.

But at home, I got engaged in a lot of minor, unrelevant unnoyances which caused some delay. And when I went back to the hiking group with my boots and my flashlight, I had to go a long way through sand wearing slippers. It was terribly arduous and slow and unfortunately, I did not make it to the group. Then I woke up.

Interpretation I thought it meant a reprimand again that I was about to lose myself in irrelevancies. While I thought that commenting on the blog was about being prepared, some guiding force in me thought it was just a distraction

Posting in a forum

Also in May 2014, I had discovered an online forum for people on the spiritual path. It was about awakening, enlightenment, awareness, non-duality, but it also contained discussions about near-death experiences (NDE) and out-of-body experiences (OBE).

I circled around it a few times with hesitation. And around end of May, 2014, I came out of hiding there, created an account with a nickname, and on June 3rd, 2014, I shared my weird experiences with anger and burned out light bulbs, inner peace and miracles, and with resistance and the resulting breathing issues.

Again, like for the blog where I commented anonymously, I had to go through fear, but afterwards it felt so good to be able to connect with folks who were on a similar journey.

Shouldn’t I feel blessed?

On June 4, 2014, I saw a video about an autistic girl named Carly. She shared that she had difficulty to talk and connect with others due to her autism, but she also shared how happy she was that at least her writing helped her to communicate with others.

I was very moved by her story. But I was also moved because it seemed to be like a message from beyond that I should consider myself blessed to be able to connect and communicate with others through writing and speaking easily. It was like another nudge to come out of hiding and share more.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Mother’s Day encouragements

I knew I was told to share my story. But resistance crept in again.

As the following stories illustrate, my guidance continued to push me forward through my fears of coming out of hiding, using a mixture of gentle and stern dreams, signs, and songs playing in my head.

Dream: Dare to take the plunge

On the evening of May 5, 2014, before going to sleep, I asked my guidance what I could do to speed up the process of writing. I was still working on my book project, but it had become slow and tedious. I felt this by now familiar sense of reverence and submissiveness towards the divine, but because I knew that I was off track, it was mixed with fear, hesitation, and the ensuing feeling of guilt and expectation of punishment again.

The following night, I dreamed that I was standing at the side of a large public swimming pool. In the pool, there were around five people swimming and having fun.

But the strange thing was that even though the water was quite shallow, they were all wearing ridiculously oversized, white life jackets. I thought, ‘Why do they have these huge life jackets on? It is not dangerous at all.’

But I did not enter the water. I stayed at the side, watching. Shy, reserved, and hesitant.

Then I woke up with the song playing in my head ‘A little party never killed nobody’ .

After I got to work and had logged on to my PC that morning, an advertisement of a phone company popped up with a picture of a girl standing in hesitation on a spring board high above a swimming pool. The (German) text on the picture said something like, ‘Dare to take the plunge!’

Interpretation
I found it remarkable and impressive how I first got such a blunt dream and then saw a picture in real life which transported the same meaning. It probably referred to communicating more with other people, in an online forum, for example.

Dream: If you go online, it will be a downhill ride

About a week after that, I dreamed that I was riding my bike in our town and wanted to go home. While waiting at a crossing at a red traffic light, I saw a huge computer screen on the way straight in front of me. It showed a street which was going downhill for a long stretch.
I wanted to go there, right into the computer screen and on this long downhill road. The ride would be wonderfully effortless. But I waited and waited and the traffic light would not turn green for half an hour.
Completely annoyed, I finally gave up and took a right turn instead. But here, I had to go uphill over a small hill. This way would take longer to get me home. And I should better call my family and let them know that I would be late for dinner on that day.

Interpretation
Going online with my writing (computer screen) was the fastest path home (it was an easy downhill ride). But I should not wait for the green light. If I would choose not to go online, then my journey to go ‘Home’ (spiritually) would be more arduous and take longer.

Dream: Finger pointing to the moon

Then I dreamed that I was in a lab with several scientists. One of them wore a black T-shirt with a picture of the moon in several different moon phases printed on it. The scientists were all pointing with their fingers to these moons. And they asked me when I would finally join them.

But I shook my head, still hesitant. And because I was so stubbornly resistant, one of the men pulled me over his lap and started to spank me.

Interpretation
‘The finger pointing to the moon’ is used as a metaphor for pointing to the divine. In the original metaphor it says that one should be concerned with the divine, but not with the finger which was just pointing to it.

I was asked to join them in their work of pointing to the divine. And it was a funny metaphor since my last name is Finger. Should I be a finger pointing to the moon?

The spanking at the end seemed to be a warning that I would experience trouble again if I did not comply. It could also be a consequence of the feelings of guilt and expectation of punishment which I had because I felt that I was still not in alignment with what my soul wanted.

Dream: Things breaking down

The next dream showed me many things breaking down in my house. There was a large area where water was seeping through the ceiling of our living room.

Interpretation
I concluded that this hinted at problems (technical problems and health issues) which I would encounter if I did not share online.

Mother’s Day encouragements

On May 11, 2015 (Mother’s Day), during a walk in our nearby forest, I met an old friend. On her T-shirt, I saw the encouraging words, ‘Do what you love! ’ I noticed the message and said a silent Thank You to the invisible forces behind the veil.

But then I added in my mind, ‘I sorely need encouragement that going online is the right thing to do. I am so scared. Please give me another sign. How about a four-leaf clover?’

I looked down to the grass and started to search for clover. And, lo and behold, after a short time, I found my four-leaf clover. What a gift on Mother’s Day!

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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Don’t rest too early

Even though I had started to write down my story and life had tried to pull me out of a phase of apathy, I was still in a place of low energy. Here I share two events, one from a dream and one in real life, which both served to underline the same message that I should not rest too early.

On April 18, 2014, Good Friday, I had the following dream: I traveled via airplane to the USA.

After arrival at the airport, I got off and reached a waiting area with nothing but black chairs where I sat down and then fell asleep from exhaustion.

Much later, I woke up and realized that I needed to get up and pick up my luggage. From there, I continued to the exit where my brother was waiting for me. He was slightly annoyed since he had been waiting for me for a long time.

Interpretation:
After sending out the second draft version of my story, I felt that I had reached a milestone and sort of ‘arrived’, but I needed a rest because I was totally exhausted. But this was not the right place to rest. I first needed to pick up my luggage and then meet my brother. Even though my brother does live in the USA at the moment, I interpreted ‘meeting my brother’ metaphorically as a symbol for sharing with fellow spiritual travelers.

About a month after that dream, on May 29, Ascension Day, a real-life event happened.

I was walking along a small street across a field which is also used as a glider airfield. Then I saw how a small glider landed, but it touched the ground too early and lost all momentum, therefore ending up on the wrong side of the street. A car had to come and tow it across the small street to the little airport.

Message:
I interpreted this as an admonishment which was in synch with the airplane dream about not resting too early. After awakening, I had to participate in life again, i.e. animate this amazing meat-suit, play a role on the stage of life, and communicate about what I had experienced.

It was amazing that both messages came through on important Christian holidays, Good Friday and Ascension Day. That seemed to add more emphasis.

***

This post is part of a series about my spiritual journey (table of contents).

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